Day 80 + 81

I had a more or less good time until Easter weekend. While I still felt pretty good or at least thought I was feeling good, my thoughts were going to a place they shouldn’t have gone. Yesterday and the day before these thoughts were getting to a point where I lost my sense for reality completely.

At first it felt all good because everything seemed to make sense, all my thoughts, the things I have experienced through out all my life. But then when I reached the point of full joy, it simply didn’t stop there and than it got weird. I got trapped in a concept of thinking, that everything is true no matter it might be wrong or right and so I was like almost going crazy.

No doubt, I felt like crazy and yesterday I almost actually burned my head. My head was pretty hot, while my body was at the lower temperature boundary, so almost too cold even. I reached out for my best friend and my mother and they both could calm me down again and today I feel a little better. Still my head is pretty hot. I was in some kind of core meltdown and it actually felt like that. Like a computer which is calculating endlessly until something burns.

So I didn’t write anything yesterday and today I decided that I should probably stop writing for some days or if not, then only write one post a day and not for too long. This was and is still a way of therapy for me, while on the other hand now I might made my writing therapy also cause another problem because I forgot about drinking and stuff.

I am doing okay today, after a strange weekend and a scary Tuesday. I had level 1000 paranoia and felt as if I were a game character or God or everything at the same time. I was totally going nuts yesterday and couldn’t eat or drink at first. I believed every single thought at first and through talking to my best friend I could somehow get a little rationality in it again, while I still was freaking out.

So I would say many of my past posts were interesting, but some things shouldn’t be thought through too much, otherwise you might get crazy as well. And you don’t want to see or think what I experienced the past days. Trust me.

I hope you are all doing well or at least not freak out too much, like I did yesterday. I love you all and I pray for you. And after all, I came to say, I guess I will again call myself a christian, but not because of any religion or what some may relate to it, but because I believe in doing good things through love, like Jesus did. Therefor I believe in Jesus and so I should call myself christian again. Before I couldn’t because of all the negative relations, the hypocrites, the wrong things did while on the other side said there are christian.

I sure believe, while my believe might be a little weird and complex, but I just want true love to be a thing between people and not only these masked surface like conversations and behavior.

Thank you for your kind words, for your prayers and love. And till next time. And don’t push your thoughts or limits too far. Relax, keep calm and be optimistic. Things are tough, but we are strong. 🙂

I will now focus my thoughts on good things again things I want and will do. Like making some music and some other projects. But also take more time without thinking. Just watching some series and relaxing. It really is important for me. I will never get this deep into thinking again, like yesterday, it first felt like heaven and then became hell. Like as if everything was hell or a nightmare. But it isn’t, still I was thinking that. Making sense of everything.

Sometimes not thinking too much is a gift.

Stay safe and calm everyone! ❤️