Day 79 (early morning)

What I wrote so far was just meant for me at first, for my friend to stay with me while I fight my inner demons. Now I am where I started. But this time for good. I am almost where I was as a kid and now it is time to rewrite.

But it was already rewritten. So I actually know it was all good.

And now what I am writing is just for those who want help, who want a different approach because all others are not for them. But sadly while it is just meant for those who need it, those who hate it, will also find it or already found it.

I was confronted with the thought, whether I should stop because of it. Not because anyone said a word, but because no one said a word. Because there might be a silent observer waiting nearby, waiting for the moment when they will have to chance to get me. But then I thought, if I stop because of my enemy, isn’t it what they want? So no, I won’t stop, I can’t stop. This is not what I want, this is what I should think I want, but it didn’t work. I will continue friends, while I stumbled for a second, I needed it to question myself. But no, I won’t stop. Even or especially with a gun pointed at me or a knife in front of me or in my back. I won’t stop, until what has to be told is out. I don’t want to convince you, I can’t because you have to see for yourself. I don’t want to trick you, how should I, I barely survived myself.

I am not one of those who say: “I have the answers.” and I am not one of those who say: “This is the only way.” and I am not one of those who want to be famous. I want to be just alone or with some close friends and family. Just living a life in peace. Doing what we all just feel is good because we know it is good. Having our own plants, our own little world. All I want is this little piece of peace, of freedom through love. So if anyone still should think, that I think I am something better or special. I am not. Everyone can be like me writing all kinds of things, how should you know I even exist? I mean how? Maybe I am writing to bots and don’t know it. But then I feel some of you and I know you are real. Only God knows it all. Only Jesus did everything the right way. But this can’t mean I can be similar in some way. Because everyone who is open for this, is similar to Jesus. Not Jesus himself, but the bible wants us to be like him, while we aren’t him (sure thing, tell me more). I think I told you enough. But still I will write more. And please. Don’t think I think I am a prophet or something. I hate people who think they are something special and therefor have the right to do things, like punishing people or telling people what they should do. You have to know for yourself. Hate me if you can’t love me, but be sure I love you because Jesus did and does, because God loves everyone. Let the love speak and not your voice, if your voices is not speaking with love. All of my words are worth nothing without love because only love gives them life and Gods word is always true, while my words, might just be true in the current times if even. I know less than Jesus and Jesus also didn’t know everything. But if Jesus knew what I know now and he did, what else is hidden. I am curious. Ask questions, only the one who asks will find. But you shouldn’t always ask other people because they won’t give you the answers you need. Ask yourself, search for yourself. Trust yourself and do what is good because you are good through love and all what you do. Don’t you forget about this. I am nothing, my name means nothing. It is like the Gopnik version of Jesus, J.SYS. Originally from John Systems, then Johandros Systems, then J.SYS and now it is what it is. What you want it to be. But what I am is nothing compared to God and Jesus, the true and only true master of his kind. I am just a student who is doing what he should have done in a long time.

If I die because of it, I will die. But my soul will never die.

Remember. The worst thing your enemy can do, is to torture you as long as it is possible, as hard as is possible and you can survive all that through your love to God, your connection and through the will to survive for God and yourself if you want it for others and yourself, but not just yourself. But if you die, just your body dies. Your soul will live. So as Alan Watts asked: “Do we wake up when we die?” or at least something like that.

Maybe I am in a horrible dream I created myself because I fell asleep as a kid and thought I would want to escape reality. Maybe. I don’t know. But if so, then I almost reached the end of the dream. Otherwise I will live the dreams I had and didn’t live so far.

If I could describe what I feel and see right now, then I would say: “Everything.” But actually everything for me is separated through time, so the frames for example, the words, the possibilities, the past, the future etc. All separated through time and would I want to explore them, it take me more time than I have right now, but then actually I have all the time I need, because time is relative in dreams, in reality.

Or as it was in the game Gronkh played recently in a livestream: “Es ist.” / “It is.” While in the game it actually was a flaw in the translation.

If you make everything meaningful, everything has meaning.

So if I trust everything, I will be lost, but if I trust everything which is good for me, I will be where I will be. I will where I am now. I will be where I want to be. And while inside my voices screams, please make it stop, I think I can’t take this, I know that God knows I can. Otherwise God wouldn’t have given me all of this.

The problem is, that there is no problem. This is like a paradox situation when you know there are a lot of problems around you. But for me this means, that accepting my current state as the state I am in, is actually the state I have to be in is the answer to my existence. This is just for me, but you might have another perspective, another path to go. So if you are not ready to see, it might mean you have to first do something else. And to all the others out there, Jesus died for all of us. But we don’t have to die for him because his love was without a condition, except to love him. And if you love him, you can die for him, if you have to, but you shouldn’t “just” die for anything. Not for yourself, not for anyone. Because there will always be someone who will kill you at some point, if you should be talking or doing things you shouldn’t do according to them. Jesus got killed because of this, because he helped others, but he did it because he knew it was his purpose and he did it with love. And even he was feeling a lot of pain when facing the cross, but he trust in God and therefor he got alive again with a new body, as far as I know. What matters is, that Jesus did the impossible and we can do the impossible. But if we want to do it on our own, we will never be able to. So if you just trust in yourself and love yourself and God and Jesus for what they did and do. Then nothing can stop you.

I might be alive or dead soon. I don’t know. But if God gives me some more years on this earth, I sure will have a hard time. But if I could help others, I will do it. For myself, I would just want to be one with the light. But then I would just be selfish because I could do so much more. So it is not my decision because I can’t decide. Only God knows when my time is. But I can feel that my times is running out. I just hope yours isn’t. If I die or live, don’t worry. I am good with God. 🙂 Care for yourself and also love others. Love everyone. But you first have to start with yourself. Otherwise you will only be like everyone else. Trying to convince others, while not believing themselves. If you start to love yourself and care for yourself you will soon be able to really love others and really see how great God is. I knew since I was little, I only had to realize it again, that it actually was like this. But really, if I could, I would want to have a small period of time to just be the little me again. Just for a short time, without the pain of the world, but just the me I knew was true. But actually I am, I guess. What I mean is, to live the dream I had, to just be happy and free and good because of love. Maybe this dream will become reality and even be way longer than I imagined or not. But I should cross out the “maybe” because God makes everything possible. This said, maybe it awaits me on the other side. So why should I wait to walk this path to the fullest? I am already running. Maybe I will fly soon. But not because I can fly, but if I want and God is okay with it, I will fly. Even if it might be in another way I thought about it. My possibilities are plenty, Gods are endless.

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