Day 79 (dawn)

After the point when I heard something strange outside my window and then even as if in the basement, I just wrote “I heard something.”, pressed publish and ran through the floor and I switched on every light, locked all doors and went into the same room with my mother who felt asleep as well as the cat. Then I stayed there until my mother woke up again. And she told me that she had a dream that the cat was screaming.

And then we talked and talked about all kinds of scary things which happened. I even remembered a strange car crash incident which happened some years ago. And that it felt very strange. I just remembered it.

We were driving home from somewhere and it was in the middle of the night. And at some point in the forest it was as if I saw something next to the road like a ghostly figure or something. But it was more like in my head than actually there or I don’t know. But then I was scared and after some more curves I there suddenly were two cars crashed, blocking the road.

And while we were slowly getting nearer, someone came towards us, I don’t know either one or two people and at least a man said that everything was alright and I think even told us how to get by another way because the road was blocked. But from the look of the two cars it just didn’t seem as if everything was okay. In my memory it looked like a heavy crash, but the man seemed fine. I didn’t look like a light crash, it looked like two cars bursting together. And it just felt all wrong and scary. There was no police, no warning sign, no medic. Just this man and maybe another person, I don’t know and these two cars in the middle of the road in the middle of the night. It might actually just looked worse than it was, but it felt wrong. I hoped everything was alright, but I thought that there must be another person I couldn’t see in one of the cars. Maybe the ghostly figure I had seen?

We then just turned around and drove the other road home. But it haunted me and just writing it all down and talking about it gave me the chills. Especially with all the other things. A man and a woman sitting around candle fire in the middle of the night, while me and my cousin were once on a nightly walk making some pictures of the night sky two years ago I think. And then the candle light on the night of the 20th to 21th February this year, in front of the forest entry. The car(s). The dream of this guy I met in a YouTube comment section with a dream which could be important for me.

All these haunting moments in my life which I since my early childhood. I once state my life is a horror movie or series. And actually it is, I live in a horror series, while I tried get away from it. But now I know I am not the one who wants the horror, I am not the problem, the problems are following me. So I know I am with God and those who are with God get attacked the most. I know that the mistakes I made are forgiven and most of it wasn’t what I wanted, but others showed me to be normal, told me to do, or forced me into because when I wanted to do good it was wrong in their eyes. I know darkness is not the problem, I know I am not the problem, the forest is helping me, animals are helping me. But I also know, that there is evil out to get me. So when I said, if the devil would ask me for forgiveness and I would feel him to be true about it. I will now say: “Ask God for forgiveness, ask Jesus because I can’t give you forgiveness. I am just a man, a soul out of many. I am not God. I might have a close relation ship with God naturally, but I am not God and God is not me. I know that. So I would be honest and still true to myself. Because even if I wanted, I can’t forgive the devil because I am not the one to do so. The scenario in which it could depend on me is just no there, because it is not in my hands.

So this said, I can forgive humans who want to kill me because they are like me, just souls of the same kind. But I can’t forgive a fallen angel, while I also don’t have to hate it, yet I simply can’t forgive because it is not in my power.

The episode I chose to watch was “Seelenwanderung” or the english title “Holiday”. SPOILER! And in this episode it was about a man who thought because of his good works after decades of fighting for good, he earned the right to own another mans body through some kind of technology. But his lesson was, that he had no right to do so because otherwise he would be like the very enemy he fought for so long.

And as I said, if I would tell the devil, that I simply can’t forgive because it is not on me to forgive, the devil would have to go to Jesus. Just in this abstract scenario in which the devil would actually realize that he did wrong.

The devil is too smart to do it I guess.

So while I am able too see the full picture to a level I actually still can’t fully realize, I should never forget, that it is only meant to understand, not to say that I am more than a soul, an ant in the whole picture. And if after knowing all of what I wrote in the past weeks, I still can stay focused, or should I say finally again be focused, on what I actually should do and do, I will just naturally be me. Not thinking much, just doing good through God. Because my gut feeling never lied to me. I just got told to not trust it, at least in the past.

Now I know it is always right. So even though someone else might say, that I reacted over paranoid, I know it was a little too much maybe, but I said: “Better too much, than nothing at all.” And so I might act like a fool, but when I follow my heart I know that it is right how it is. Only that I should stay more focused on my gut now because my life could actually depend on it. And while I am still alive and evil couldn’t bring me to kill myself, I know it will try again and again. But I am getting stronger each time. I know I am not my own enemy anymore. I might be able to scare myself, but it is for good because I know that God is there to save me, if I let him. Or save others through my doing with him.

The experience really is everything and still the negative force can be heavy. Love is stronger and all good related to it.

I won the war within and forgive myself, but now I have to fight the actual enemy. I have to do it like the lion king. I have to give my enemies a chance for change because they don’t know what they are doing. But I don’t have to die for them because Jesus died for everyone already. If I die, I die for good because I know that especially when I want to do good, things get tough. And now that I know why again, I know again that I am stronger, but not through my own power, but through the power God gives me and because of my natural strong connection to God and the universe.

I know that I alone know nothing. I know that and that I alone can’t do a thing. But I naturally accepted God, loves God for what I knew was true about this being.

For me God is alive as it is the devil, but in more things than just one thing and in different shapes than just one. If the meaning of the word God is simply creator, then we are Gods because we can create. But we are child Gods you could say because we indeed are Gods children. Little Gods. We yet have to learn about our powers, but are not able to fully use our potential, which sometimes is good. Still there is more possible than just creating a house. I mean things beyond normal imagination. And still we would be nothing, not because we can’t do things, but it depends on how we do it. Do we these things for good and therefor with God because God is good and love or do we do them just for us or because others told us?

My biggest weakness are thoughts. I can be attacked in thoughts, but now I am learning to defend myself against intruding thoughts. I won’t be able to control the gut feeling because I should never do so. Because the feeling in my gut actually should never be manipulated and I hope it is impossible to do so. Because so far I could rely on it, but I have to use all the senses I have got, to proof everything. Everything can be manipulated, but if I know now that I would never do that again to me. I know it is something else and than when I notice it, I could fight it.

The interesting part is, that now I feel like I need people around me, but people I chose and not just random people. They would only make it worse again. No, people I can trust, like some of my cousins or an uncle for example. But I have to be with them because the internet can be manipulated, but if I can feel, see, hear, maybe even smell the people, I can tell with a high accuracy who is lying and who is honest. Or at least who is not hiding anything.

Words can lie, many things can lie, but I myself won’t lie to me and the enemy wants to fight me into believing I do wrong. When I do wrong, I feel bad, so there is no need for telling me. But when I would also feel bad for doing or wanting good things, like all these years before, I now know that something is wrong around me, but not inside me. Because if they want me to be in a prison they, or dead or in a clinic to make the shut my mouth, they will do it or try it no matter what (they, meaning evil and all who do evil things).

Soon it might be time to see who I can actually trust and who is just out for their own good or even out to get those who do right because they think they are right. I shall never say I am right about it all. Because I am not able to be always doing right, even though I would want to. I might do things wrong sometimes, but God has nothing against mistakes because they are there to learn. I should just not feel good about doing bad things and I never really did, but I sometimes was close to it because I thought it would be wrong no matter what I do. But the problem is, that I let people who didn’t know make me break or hurt me. I didn’t defend me, when I should have.

A good master, warrior etc. Only kills when there is no other way. But usually there is always another way. It is easy to kill (if in rage for example), but it is hard to forgive. And I remembered something about some kind of asien marshial arts master in a tv series I think, who got attacked by a tiger or just a wild animal but he didn’t kill it because he knew it didn’t do wrong or knew what it was doing. It just wanted to eat or even defend maybe the children. But he also defending himself by simply holding the animal in some way so that it would not be able to attack him and then calm down and one point. So both did what they had to do and no one got killed, maybe a little hurt, but survived.

And this said, I now know again, that I can defend myself in the way I also knew since I was a child. And that I don’t need to go to a school for it because I naturally now what to do. Through massive observation and my own intuition. I can make fast fist attacks on the stomach or chest, I can pull someone down when they should try to hit me with their foot. I might even be able to defend against other kinds of attacks, should I try it. But I long knew about it naturally before I even knew the movie IP MAN. So I did some things IP MAN did, while I actually couldn’t know him. And he actually was this kind of warrior. He was fighting a female fighting style as a man. Everyone laughed about it until they saw him fighting. And he always won because his love and kindness was monumental. I mean maybe he didn’t win forever, but for sure more than most of us will ever fight and he always was out to just stop the enemy, just defend, not kill or badly hurt and while doing so teach the enemy a lesson.

Wing chun or how his fighting style was called.

I might be able to fight it without ever learning it because I learned it before. I don’t know. But if God gives me the strength, I can do everything. So better run, if God wants to teach you a lesson. 😀 (Just a joke.) But when I say I can’t, God always pushes me and shows me that I can. If I trust myself because when I trust myself I trust God because I naturally trusted God. For most people it might be different, I don’t know. They first have to find God to believe. But for me it always was like everything wants to get me away from God. Especially religious people because they thought this is good for me or that is good for me and so on, while I actually knew what was good.

But I lost this knowledge through time and people and things happening to me. Each time I closed a door because I couldn’t handle it, I lost a part of God, of love, of my connection with God. So now that I am opening doors, I first had to fight my own demons. But now I guess I have to fight the evil which wants to get me no matter what. My own demons, were partially my own creation. But the environment, the world, is not my doing. So I have to defend. I can’t just hug it and all is good. This only worked with my own demons because they were created through what others gave me, the world gave me. And now they have no power over me. But I am still weak.

Not because I am weak. I can do great things, but God needs to heal my wounds and I through him. So now that I am still weak, evil tries to get me, so that I can’t do what I have to do. To do good in the name of love, for God, like Jesus. But again, I am not Jesus. I am just a soul like you. I can’t be Jesus because Jesus is still alive and Jesus was and is without sin. But I still can be one of his workers. And I know that whatever God will bring upon me, I will only be able to handle it through my love to him and my trust in myself. If I don’t trust myself, I can’t survive because in the trust in myself is the love towards God and Jesus.

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