Day 79 (late evening)

If you know all is one, you know everything will be alright.

And I think I know why I forgot. It was not just because of the people and the problems, but I forgot because it was too bright for me to see. Wasn’t this also somewhere in the bible, that no one can see God’s true form or they get blind or even die? Well, I guess a little blindness wouldn’t hurt I guess, but meaning that only trusting and loving him like a true child. And for me this maybe means, that I have to let go of the fear. But not like a fool knowing nothing, but like one who knows it will be alright no matter what happens. So even if something goes wrong, it will be alright. If that makes sense.

But actually, I would like to have a little lower or higher frequency please. Because I think it isn’t too good if I continue the way I did so far. Because all I need is to be where I am now. All there is, is right in front of my eyes. Because if I tell myself what I will get, then the surprise would be no surprise and therefor an actual paradox situation, I guess. But we will see. What I wish to have now, is other people like me or at least people who are kinda like me, to be with me or just in contact. So that I know I am not the only one. I know I can’t be, but yet it is strange. As I wrote before, it is as if I had seen too much in a good way, so that I can’t do what I should do. And therefor it would be better if I wouldn’t have seen as much as I saw. But luckily I wasn’t able to see everything so each day is still a surprise in some way, there are still miracles or “adventures” each day. And I learn to handle it. I guess I am special after all. Who knows. But what I want right now, is to be like the girl in one of the Stargate episodes because she was a gift and gave a gift and still was her.

The thing is, I have seen so much, but I didn’t actually experience it. And if only a fraction of what I have seen is actually true and I would be able to actually see it with my current state of mind and be there, I would be full of joy.

But yeah, I guess the actual meaning of being a child is, to trust sometimes and to love things and enjoy good things and don’t let yourself get dragged down by bad things. And to not want everything because everything will need time and time will come, time will go. But you will see everything no matter what. But not necessarily in this life or state of existence.

(Can someone just stop the thinking process? … Anyone? I think that I might get lost after all. But yeah, it is some kind of good feeling in a way because I know I am not bad and not a problem. So getting lost in a good way is like being in heaven in some way.) Either way, I should get back to describe videos and music and things and also make some more music and not just write about things in my head. Otherwise I might actually get crazy. Not because it is wrong, but because the mind is not made for it and then it might break in some way. So that would make me actually crazy, while what brought me there wasn’t. Who knows. I sure know, that I am in a very interesting time.

And I found some interesting people. I just hope, I am not the traitor because I was to blind at first, to naive you could say, while I actually knew, but said, it can’t be. So please let the things not be as I think they are, but even if they would be this way, all I want is to be able to just be exploring in a way that I will always see new things and do things I never did before. With my own hands. And that I would be part of the dreams and movies I saw in some way. I don’t want to be the one who writes and writes and then ends up in his thoughts. The mind should work for me and not the other way around. I guess I should stop writing in here, but go back to music because music actually was just music and it just felt good and calmed me. As well as movies. Am I the child with the living fantasy from X-files? I really should stop writing for today.

Because until now writing felt good, but now it starts to feel bad. Thank you for going through this journey or experience or something on my side. Be it through reading, listening or talking to me. Or just in some way interacting with me. We will see what tomorrow brings.

The quarantine is not the problem, it is that I found more than I lost.

And so I have to make the best out of it.

The doing is what I have to do more. So that there is balance again. Otherwise I would know everything again, but still not do.

So I actually have to stop thinking again and just do because what I do through love is good. “Just do it!” Just do what you have to do and it will be alright. I already know what this means I guess. I just thought I shouldn’t do it. But maybe there is no other way.