Day 78 (evening)

I already thought and maybe thought about what the people shouted towards Jesus on the cross. About that if he is the king of jews, than he should help himself now. Or something like this.

But we know he didn’t because this was his destiny, his purpose in the end. To die for us. And still he could have helped himself easily, as stated in the bible with I think a legion of angel could have come and helped him, if he would have called them. So for him it was easier to help himself and to smash his enemies, those who wanted him dead, but he didn’t because it was harder, because it was the actual strength. Being able to do the impossible, but not do it to show the true power. And would he have just died, you could say, well maybe he actually had not much power, but no he came to life again after three days or at least a time which should show that he was really dead.

This is the power and even the one who were following him first, couldn’t believe him. They even called the women who first saw him liars or that they were out of their mind and such. But then Jesus also came to them and then they saw and believed or at least could believe more. So even the ones closest to him weren’t able to believe at some points. But Jesus wasn’t angry, but greeted them with a Shalom. This was what a preacher told today in a YouTube video for Easter. He also said that he loved Thomas, the one who was told to be skeptical. Because Thomas actually listened to Jesus and Jesus said things like: Don’t trust the first one who says they are Jesus or tell they know him. (But with other words of course.)

And then I had to think about Stargate again and about Jack who was always looking a little close minded, a little behind at first, while actually he was the smartest of them all, the most open and kindest. They didn’t see what was going on inside of him, even he himself most of the time didn’t know, thought it was nothing. But he was able to do things, the others couldn’t and he didn’t ask for it. And over the time he more and more understood himself and also the others noticed that there was more behind this soldier mask.

So I also thought, what the preacher said about, sometimes it might be good to have some despair on your despairs. And that indeed you shall use your mind for good. Because God didn’t made us as mindless beings. But most people use their minds to fool themselves or others think we are fools and bring us into despair, while we actually should tell them, that they should have some despair or may be love on the other hand.

And then I thought about myself. I got pushed into despair by the world, by people, systems, everything around me sometimes. But God gave me so many good moments as well. And through listening to my own music and also music from other people, I now get more and more good memories back, memories I thought were lost, memories I even didn’t missed because I totally forgot about them, put into one of the million shelves inside my mind, to be never seen again. Or so I thought.

I had seen scenes from tv series I watched when I was little and thought they were funny even though I knew they were not intelligent or even wanted to be able to do what they did. Explore the world and such things.

And I also got reminded of the clinic I was 2015. I already wrote a couple of times about it.

The people working there said the group I was in, was the best they ever had or at least in a long time, while the group before was like the worst.

Some of the people working there cried and many of us cried, some more some less, when the time was over after 6-8 weeks.

And the thing is, that before I went there I wasn’t so sure about it. I feared it a little and also the week when I should have go there, I got a heavy infection or some sickness, I had over 39 °C fever and could just drink a cup of soup a day. On one day I also had nose bleeding and it just wouldn’t stop because all cold water and things didn’t seem to help. In the end there was a bucket with blood and a lot of papers for cleaning noses. A red mess and I felt like dying. Then there even seemed to come something out of my nose, a big mass. I don’t know how it looked, but my mother called the ambulance. And when they arrived all they did was putting some cold on my back and it stopped and also check my pulse. But when the younger one of the two man checked (I didn’t know what the numbers meant) he was a little confused, but the older one said it was fine. And the thing in my nose was a big mass of dry blood which later came out. It burned some days.

Looking back, it was as if something didn’t want me to go to this clinic.

While the clinic didn’t actually help me, the people did and I helped them, just by being there. I was interesting in everyone and they were interesting in me. I were talking with types of people I would have never talked before, but I just didn’t think about it, just did naturally.

I don’t know how they did see me, what they thought, but everyone accepted me, everyone. And while sometimes I got into inner conflict when some were making fun of others or telling something bad and I sometimes let it happen or even did it as well, I also said something against it at least one time. I was talking with personal or they with me, talking with people no one wanted to talk with. I sadly didn’t talk with everyone and weren’t helped those more who needed it more. Now I know, but back then I didn’t even realize how naturally unnormal and therefor good I acted compared to usual behavior. Some were talking about video games and I talked with them, some were talking about anime and watching some and I was talking and watching. Some were talking about childhood trauma and I listened and cared. I sure didn’t always said the right things, sometimes might should have something instead or just nothing. But compared to what usually happens, I was acting like a peace bringer and I didn’t even notice it.

So while the clinic didn’t help me personally, it helped many others because I went there. If I wouldn’t have gone there, who knows. I still don’t know how they are doing now, but this was one of the best times in my life because I was away from my forced life, the life others wanted me to live. I was just there in the moment, naturally, doing the best I could to help others, had fun myself and altogether with them, naturally. I still had my masturbation problem, my problems with feeling lost and broken sometimes. But when I was with the other people who also had their problems, I just felt safe and they seemed to feel the same. Not always, but most of the time. And back then it just happened more or less, only now I realize how big this whole thing actually was. As well as with Stargate and all the other things. I realize something, then the next day I realize more. Then after some weeks more and there is always more to it and all good for me.

Then I also thought about the problems of the world again. And what I thought and wrote about Jesus, that it was easier for him to help himself than to die for us, while for us it seems like the opposite very often.

And then I thought, that if you think why should you believe in him, when all the people who don’t believe in him get famous, are rich and have power as well or even more most of the time it seems. The question already is answered, but I will write it out again. – It is easier to do wrong for most and so they don’t see it is wrong and think you have to do it as well, until you break or think you do. But you know it is wrong, you know you shouldn’t force others to do what you can’t do or force them to do, what you did. It is easier to do so, so don’t do it. Or as Bukoswki said in a final message: “Don’t try” If they want to believe, they will see and find for themselves, if not, they might never see because they never wanted to.

Then I thought about Jesus and the so called wise ones or just the Pharisees to make it clear. He talked to some when he was young and they were interested. But he didn’t spent much time with Pharisees. Even called them names you could say. If he wanted, he could have wasted all his time to try to show them or convince them, but in the end they wanted to kill him anyways, after knowing about his wonders and all. So why should you waste your time with people who just abuse you, suck your love out, suck your spirit up and in the end think that they are right about doing so?

Leave them if it feels wrong to stay with them. Because Jesus died for everyone, but only those who believe in him will receive the gift. So if you instead of wasting your time with one person or a fanatic religious group, would go out and see all the real people, people who want honesty, real things, truth and such, but they maybe didn’t find it for themselves yet, then you would actually do what God wants. Not by forcing them to believe you or Jesus or anything. No, but by just being there for them naturally, not with a must, with a “I have to do this for God to be good”. Just naturally. And if for you it is a different path, then it is different. So really, follow your heart because if God is in your heart, meaning love is in your heart, you will do the right thing through love.

So those who succeed in life without the help of God, are those without love and whatever they achieved and will achieve, is without true love. It might seem bigger, might seem brighter, but like the word “hell” is the german word for “bright” in english, while in english “hell” means the bad place, so will the brightest without out love fall into darkness in the end. It is easier to be successful and rich because you can easily abuse people, abuse flaws in the law, and so on. It is easy. But knowing all this and not doing it, is hard, but even greater. So if you know how the world is working and you don’t do what the world is doing because you know the truth. You are doing what God wants, because God is love.

I also thought that in the bible it says something about that people will call for a strong man in the end. And looking on all the series, movies about heroes, be it action heroes, mythology, normal people who do the impossible or even the Messiah. There is a series called Messiah on Netflix and I actually watched it in January. Looking on that, you know it is what the bible said. But it isn’t done yet and we are meant to be good and not to do what others say who can’t see.

As Jesus said: “Father forgive them, because they don’t know what they do.”

So if you know God is love, Jesus is strong in the weak, the people are calling, the systems are falling and all hell breaks lose, as it seems sometimes, don’t stumble. Because what you feel inside your heart is the truth, it is love it is God. If you know it is true, don’t listen to those who can’t see.

“Little one…”, said the little one to the big one. “Little one.”

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