Day 78 (early morning)

I also thought about the riddle in Stargate to be ready to transfer into the next level of existence. And while back then I didn’t understand it, I guess now I understand it or maybe understand it again. It actually meant to go back from where you started. Because now that everything is ready, it actually was a long time ago. Maybe the originally intention was a different one, but still, I think it is not all wrong. It is actually quite obvious for me now that I see it again. But as I said, the truth in front of my eyes and still I couldn’t see. I couldn’t trust it because I got told I can’t. But I should trust what I couldn’t, for example broken governments and religions. I could trust God and love Jesus, but I couldn’t trust religions, people and systems. But God wasn’t a “people” for me. God was love and something caring for me, no matter what.

It says “In the year of the world”. I heard from some that this year actually is the year of the world or something like that. But the one who said it, has sure nothing to do with all this. He is speaking from a religous perspective.

I just remembered that I was swimming under water in the swimming hall of the clinic I was back in 2015. And I could just swim one time up and then down again without getting up for air. I couldn’t swim like this when I had to do it in school. But with the other young people in the clinic I just did it and felt good and it felt easy, natural. They were surprised and I was surprised.

And now I had a thought about the Korean Netflix series “Kingdom” again. There was a plague, there was an honest king, an honest prince / son of the king. And thinking about the plague in there, I thought, the ones who fought until the end, weren’t fighting for nothing. But they survived in a way they didn’t think about to be possible.

And now I think “My kingdom come…” You see, God is everywhere, in everything. Even the devil can’t be without God. And while now the devil is still around, it is not that the devil is out to get us, but to test us. Because God wants to test our loyalty and honesty, while the devil does all this because the devil wants to break us. But if you know it is all a test. Then you know what it meant with “God is testing us.” It is always, all the time, everywhere. But it shouldn’t scare you, while it sure does. It should support you. Because each mistake you do is to learn. Each time the devil says “Yippi, I got another one down.” You have to say: “Jesus died for me. You have no right over my soul. You can hurt me, harm me, do all kind of things, but you will never get my soul.”

I sometimes thought, what I would say to the devil, should I actually meet a being called devil. Or what I would say to cultists / satanists. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much because I know God will give me the right words. And even if not, I know that God always sees me and can therefor protect me. But I don’t want to test God and we shouldn’t. Because if you feel bad in the gut and you think God will save me anyways, it is God who tries to warn you. God might still be able to save you, but it shouldn’t be necessary. Sometimes there is a price we or others have to pay. Because Jesus died for our sins to save our souls, but you can still lose a leg or an eye and such. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it might be necessary for someone to see. But God doesn’t want us to be sad. As a turkish man once said to my mother: “God wants us to be happy.” So don’t let others take away your innocent thoughts of happiness. Be it through little things, through dreams or just some jokes. God is love, don’t forget this. It is still hard for me to actually do as I write. It might seem I am doing all kinds of good things, but if you read the pot some hours ago, you know that I am just a soul like you.

So as my grandfather said: “I also say all this to myself.” I have a lot from my grandfathers, more than I thought before because before I didn’t know many things I heard and found out over time. Mainly good things, but they both also had problems. One was too kind for his time, so he sometimes overreacted in a bad way, but felt bad for it later. And the other was just feeling broken I suppose, while doing others a favor and smiling. But inside he must have felt so alone. My families are families of sad people, broken people and people who still want to help others, while they often can’t help themselves or get used and feel lost. My uncles, my aunts. My mother, my father. My grandparents. All once good souls and still are, but my father is far away. My father is not realizing that he wants the right thing, but does it all wrong. He is trapped in the prison he and others created. Most of the people in my family are in some kind of prison, or were in one for a long time. Sometimes the got out and got in again. But it feels like never ending.

Maybe if I can break the cycle, I don’t have to say: “I don’t want to get children, so that the cycle don’t continues.” Or maybe I would just adopt some because we already have enough children who want loving parents. Maybe both. But first, the cycle has to be stopped, in a good way. Otherwise, it will just continue in some way. The bad cycle so to say.

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