Day 77 (until dawn)

They say: “Big dream.”

And I am like: <everything>

And God is like: “Will he beat the mind game? I think this one will be ready soon.”

I hope this wasn’t the end of her story. Be it in the movie or with the one who posted it. Let us pray for all who are broken, who are lost, who can’t find love for themselves. Love is a human right. We can survive a day or two, maybe more without water, we can survive many days without food, but we can’t survive without love, at least not all of us, not forever. We can get old without love, but something dies or died along the way. Love can revive it, but without love there is no life.

So love is life and “love is in the rain” because “God is in the rain” and life should be love or with love.

While we often get hurt by loved ones, we need love, we give love and this love should find someone else and also us. Because love is connection and connection is love. So there really are no boundaries through love because God is love.

I just randomly got this video and tried it out. I could hear a sound till 18000 Hz and I am almost 22, so probably in the spectrum, but still interesting. Or maybe I could even hear more but my headphones / YouTube etc. aren’t that good. We will see. But I sure know that I heard frequencies in my brain since my early childhood, so the time when I was around 1-3 I think and I still hear them. But compared to the frequencies in the video, the are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum I guess. But it is more like a seashore in some way. And sometimes it is brighter and sometimes it is louder, sometimes I don’t hear it at all.

Is this love or just my brain? 😀 I don’t fully understand and know yet, but I am awaiting my next step, to maybe find out about it.

Can you hear love? – I let this question open in the room, if this is okay. For now at least. Because I partially answered it already through music, but it is not finished yet.

I won’t forget, we won’t forget. Even if we do sometimes, we will never forget forever.

Today is a special day. Because it is the day between death and being reborn. At least in the timezone (Germany) I am living in it is Saturday already. This time Easter will be like no Easter before. And for me it is more than a holiday, now more than ever before.

And today is the 77th day of me writing this blog. A special number, at least it feels special. Many things have happened yesterday and tonight, mainly in my mind, but also in the world and my life.

Today I will also get the parts for my new computer.

Yesterday I brought up a dream I once head while I was in hospital after almost dying because of a gall stone being stuck (long story). I dreamed from the perspective of some kind of military commander. He had some soldiers under his command and was told to execute some people. He told them to knee down and then he told the soldiers to shoot them. But they didn’t or at least they didn’t shoot anyone. So he took out his pistol and started shooting each one of the people which were on the ground in the head. One falling down, two and so on. Then he reached my mother and shot her in the head. Then he realized what he has done, who he killed and killed himself on the spot in tears.

While I had this dream two years ago on pain killers in a hospital bed, I had no idea what it meant and I knew I would never do such a thing. But I was scared. And I already thought about it sometimes, but yesterday I came to the conclusion that it might not just be a dream, maybe different from what I first thought because I first thought I was the commander, but maybe it wasn’t me, but I saw someone else history or future.

Then I remembered that my mother told me once about a dream in which she knew that soldiers would come and it was as if they would kill them.

We talked about it yesterday and she said that she had this dream during her darkest period in her life, while she was in a strange religious house (long story as well). And then I thought, maybe these dreams are connected. But whether they are the future, the past or just another story in some way. It feels like there is a connection. And given the times. I fear, we will soon find out. Maybe not this year, maybe not next year. But soon enough.

Stay safe people. Love each other, no really, do it! And don’t forget to love yourself. You are peacemakers, you are children of God and if you spread love, have love in your heart and God with it, no matter what happens, you know God knows and you know you will be, where God wants you to be at the time. Sometimes you might have to leave someone, if they don’t let you love yourself and suck up all your love for themselves. But this doesn’t mean you have to leave them forever, if you think it is wrong. Or if you think, that there shouldn’t be love for them. Love is for everyone, God is for everyone. But maybe it isn’t always you who has to give love and maybe if you can love yourself, the people you left, can love themselves and see how wrong they were. It is sometimes complicated, I am having my own ongoing process with my father. He did hurt me a lot, physically and mentally and emotionally. But I am forgiving him and I want him to be free, but I also have to take care of my mother and not to forget myself. Just some months ago I wanted to kill myself, while now nothing would get me there again. Why should I, now, after all? But I am still hurt myself. I still have to work on myself, or should I say, let God work on me? Because whenever I tried to work on myself through my own will, it was never enough. I got some things done, but it was never enough and even seemed to make things worse at some point. And a part of me was always working against me. But now all of it is united. Still damaged, still wounded, but healing for sure.

And I am thankful for these wounds, mainly in my heart and mind. If you can’t naturally say thank you for it, don’t force yourself, don’t let others force you. Because God wants honesty and God knows how you feel and whether you want to be good or not. So if you are hurt right now and you can’t see a good end or maybe no end at all. God knows. Start to open up for love again, for God because it can’t get worse then always feeling pain or nothing even. It can’t get worse forever, but it can get so much better, to a point where you might never were before.

A place full of love, maybe inside you, maybe around you. It is different for everyone. I found the forest for me to heal me, my cat, which helped us while we helped her. My cousin and best friend who stayed by my side while I needed help and I want to help him as well.

Some weeks before I wrote, that I would wish to have the forest inside me or be in the forest forever. And that one day I might be able to. But then I thought, well I can’t take the forest with me. The forest is the forest. But now I am feeling the forest to become a part of me and I become a part of it. This said, the forest is not just trees, not just plants and animals for me, but like a star gate, like a door to the depths of the universe and depths of my own self. A helping hand to get connected with God, with myself, with everything. A place full of love. I know not all forests are like this and not everyone can go into a forest. Maybe I have to take you into mine or when I got the forest (the love from the forest) inside of me, to share it all with you, like I already do in some way.

Either way, I hope you have a wonderful day with your loved ones and if not, maybe just alone with God or your puppet, who knows.

God knows, God sees, God loves you all. I am starting to do the same again, to do it more than ever before. And I also need to eat and rest a while now. It has been a long night, a lot to process and receive. Today I won’t go into the forest I guess, I am too tired right now, but maybe I don’t need to go there tonight because I already am inside of it.

Love you all!

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