Day 77 (afternoon)

This is a message on its own. Another way to see the world, he saw the world and he found something. Maybe not all there is, but then maybe I simply not know it all. In my opinion he had it all, but for him it took a while. And he wasn’t understood for a long time, had a painful life. But he sure found something, maybe God as well, maybe a part of God.

If you just see the surface, how should you be able to judge about what is hiding beneath it?

Reminding me of good times I had and good times yet to come. Like the winter in the hearts right now is growing and growing, even her heart started to get colder and colder. But then I am here and she is still here and others like us. We are here to tell the stories of summer, not just the time of summer, but more about the summer of life and love. The freedom and also remind each other, that we still have us, that there still is love and hope and always will be.

I also thought about my autistic cousin again and all what I wrote about what he said, while he was actually just telling the stories he read and heard over and over again. And while back then I didn’t understand, I understand now. Because the thing is, that the words weren’t what I was supposed to listen to and yet they were. Back then I only heard the same stories over and over again. And I thought, well I know that, why are you telling me this over and over again. But now that I had time in between, a lot has happened and also that I wrote about it, I understand the “words” between the words.

Like the mouse which collected the warmth of summer and the light of the sun. Like the random rice bag falling down from a cart to give a family something to eat. And other things. Like “do it with your hands.”

Back then it were just words, they had no meaning, while the meaning needed time. He probably new what he was talking about, but I couldn’t understand yet. I thought I knew better because I had seen the cruel world, I had seen to many pain and sorrow, so I wasn’t able to see, just hear and not even that. So he repeated the stories and words for me, but I still didn’t understand because I was “too smart”. But because Jesus is strong in the weak and children, my cousin is both in some way. While he might be just a couple of years apart from me, he acts like a child for the most part. But it actually is the only right thing to do, if you understand the concept of being a child. It isn’t about just taking and giving, but being open and trusting. Sometimes or actually most of the time this trust is one sided because others don’t see, like I didn’t see back then, not anymore.

I only hoped for a light, because I always saved this thought and trust in God, but more and more this trust and love vanished because of other people and things happening. But now I know it all had purpose. To see, you can’t just see, if you can’t see anymore. But if God knows you are ready you will see, like the blind one could see when Jesus made him see. Saulus also had to go blind for I think three days to see God and then he became Paulus.

If you can trust yourself, while you couldn’t for a long time, you will be one with God if it is through love towards God and yourself. Don’t forget yourself because if God loves us all, why shouldn’t you love yourself as well? It is obvious when you see or start to see, but if you can’t it seems to be the worst thing you could do. As if everyone else is more worthy to be loved, but not you.

My cousin also said something like “If your body wants to move, move it.” and things like that. And while I did it when I was little, just naturally, I got told it was not okay, people laughed and soon stopped. To a point where I was just sitting almost all the time, in front of my computer screen because everything else seemed to be wrong. Because no matter what I would do, it would be wrong anyways, so I at least tried to block of this pain with some positive things, I learned programming by myself, I tried this and that. And found good people, I lost some things, but at first it was good, but I actually wanted so much more, but I thought it all was wrong because school wouldn’t really work for me. Being natural wouldn’t work for me.

Sharing my thoughts wouldn’t work for me. So I went silent for the most part, I did just what was necessary and not even that sometimes. I was wearing masks, so people thought I was doing fine, while I was preparing for my death, wishing it to come soon. As faster the better, so I thought. But now all this pain seems to get weaker and smaller and turn into pure love, like gold bars. As far as I know gold can’t be 100% or at least usually it isn’t, but something like 99,9% or something like that. So while I am not a gold bar yet, the smith is trying to make it there. While the heat seems to kill you, while the hammer seems to smash you and it does, it is not forever and it is for good in the end. But God doesn’t want to hurt you, God doesn’t want that people force you into a model role, into a masked one.

God wants you to see. But it is hard to trust while you are in this horror trip. I know it is hard and I was one of the lucky ones, I guess. I am not here to say “You have to do this”, because everyone knows or should know best what they actually should do, while they might do something else. Not all can be the same because each one of us has a unique talent, each one of us. But some things aren’t noticed as such, often even called weakness, sick or such. While they don’t see and understand it, or just a part and think they know all or better.

So if you are in a dead-end job or you generally hate yourself, hate your life and because of it your also start to hate others maybe. This is not because it will always be this way, but you had to come to the conclusion that something is off, something is wrong.

If no one else notices, but you do. They probably call you insane or childish, but if you did it naturally and not for your own good, which means just for yourself, then why should it be wrong? If you see a problem for your own life, maybe for other lives as well, you might be the one to make the difference, the change. It never is easy, but trust me, or actually don’t trust me, but trust in God and especially yourself. Because if both is given, God will guide you to places never seen before, doing things never done before.

I couldn’t trust myself at all when I started, but actually I didn’t start, it was God who pushed me to start. Then God gave me messages, reveal things one step at a time. I didn’t know whether I was going crazy, dreaming or all was real. It got more and more serious after some time, but then it also got painful and horrible at some point, so I again thought I might just go crazy. To the point where I was about to kill me. But something held me back, again. Deep down I always knew it was God, but because I was so deep down in the mud, I was just not able to realize. And God never wanted me to die, God didn’t let me die. I just had to see and to see, I had to go in dark places because the light was too bright before.

Like the story with Abraham I think, maybe another man. God told him to go to some place and sacrifice his son. Abraham sure was scared I suppose and a little confused, but because God told him, he trusted in God. And when his son asked about the sacrifice because they had all what was needed, but no actual sacrifice, Abraham said that God would take care of it.

Deep down Abraham hoped that he wouldn’t have to kill his own son, but he trusted God. And when he was about to do it, God sent an animal to be sacrificed instead. God never wanted a human sacrifice, but he wanted to test Abraham and Abraham was trusting, so the test was as it was and it was good. If you only read, that God wanted a human sacrifice, but don’t understand that this was only a test and God actually never wanted one, you could think God is evil, is paradox and a monster even. But this only happens if you just hear some words or read some words, but not be open for it all. It is like the beginning of a painting. If you just see the first lines and some colors maybe, you might think “This is nothing, this is bullshit” and go away because you thought this is all there is. But when you stayed or come back later and see a majestic masterpiece. It is like a miracle and you think, how could I say or think it was wrong or shit?

Once I wrote about what would you do, if you would have to forgive the devil, while the devil would honestly apologize. Now I thought about it again. I came to another conclusion in some way. If the devil would really feel sorry for what he did and you would refuse his apology, then you wouldn’t be better than him. But because the devil might still have to die or burn forever for what he did, he might be willing to take this punishment upon himself, if you could just forgive him. Thinking about it this way, it makes way more sense because even if the devil might end in the fire sea or how it is written, maybe it is different from what you think.

Because if God is righteous, what God is and God is love, then would God be still love and righteous by refusing to forgive for the sake of it? So I am even open for a different ending of the bible. But I guess some things are just meant to be in a certain way. But it is possible that the devil will never see, like the uncle in the lion king movie, but you have to give him a chance no matter what. And if you know that you can’t be better than God because God is pure love, so why should you be more generous and kind than God, if you would offer the devil a second chance? Doesn’t this just say, that if even a human is possible to offer such a thing, while the devil did so horrible things to the human kind, that God is even more?

Don’t limit yourself to what others say or believe if you know that you are doing something naturally and out of love and a good heart and not the opposite. People who act selfish and cruel will always think they are right, will always act as if they can get away with everything. Always? I don’t know, maybe until they die, until they see or see that they never saw. When there is no light, but darkness awaiting them. Not as a friend.

You can read things in a good way, because you want to understand or you can read them how you want them to be. If you think about it in the way you learned to think, it is probably wrong what you think. But if you think with pure logic, without limits, without other people interfering your thoughts and actions and you come to the conclusion that something is wrong or right, I guess you can trust it, if it feels good, if it really is yourself and God inside you.

I know that all or most of what I write could be read in many many ways. I know that many will probably read it and think I am crazy to think such things. But maybe it wasn’t just my thought, maybe it was God who wanted to say hello. Who ever or what ever God is in the end. So many things.

I don’t say I am God, I am not Jesus. I am just who I am. I am just a soul in the world, like you. So at worst it could be all just me, thinking too much, believing what is too good to be true. For me it just is this way, so if I am not hurting you, why should it be a problem? Should I hurt you, why would you stay to be hurt? And in the end, I didn’t see the truth right in front of my eyes. Throughout my whole life I have seen it. It was always right in front of me, inside me, all around me. In the tv series “X-Files” / “Akte X” there always was this open sentence “The truth is out there.” But it felt more like a question to me through out the whole series, while I felt that the series had the answer. But like Mulder (one of the main character and for me the most important one), I was the most open and still had despair. I could have been everything, like he could have been. But he decided to search for the truth. And while he had seen it all the time, in all the cases, he still had some despair, some fear. It sure changed over time, but he might also have thought it could all be a dream, an illusion.

Even his partner Scully sometimes believed more than him, reminded him that he told her and showed her all these things. And while she at first was a skeptical scientist, he made her sometimes believe more than he was able to at the time. While he might not have found God, he was so close all the time. It is strange that these sci-fi series which also involved horror and painful things to watch, that they helped me to not leave God because I knew God wasn’t in traditional dead things, in things only made for the sake of doing so. I knew God was alive and much different, but back then I didn’t know for sure, so these series gave me strength, gave me family, gave me moral, gave me hope and taught me. Because while on one side they were entertaining me, on the other side I felt it to be real, I saw the “words” between the lines. But while as a kid it was easier, this also got weaker and weaker because I told myself it is just a series, it just is fiction. There is nothing real about it. And also other people of course. And I almost lost it because of this. I lost my connection to God because I thought it was wrong the way it was, but it naturally right since I was born.

I got some tears in my eyes while writing the last two parts. But when I have tears now it is always good because it means I have love and I receive love. It is no sadness, it is love and actually washing away the pain, the previous sadness, when I couldn’t cry, had no tears or only in rare moments. I am thankful for each tear I get and then I smile or just feel good. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes afterwards. Because I know this feeling of love is healing me. And I actually wrote God once instead of good. Because God is good and my brain saw no difference anymore.

Many see more than others, but still not see it all. In the end, what is a happy end? Isn’t a happy ending a true ending? Be it sad, be it happy, be it all a little? A fake ending is often called happy ending, but you feel it, when it is fake, if you see a little. For me a actual happy ending is something else then having an all good end of a story. But you will see. An actual happy end is good because it is true. And sometimes it is an ending which is in some way good. But there is a difference you will notice. And even an ending of a story which seems sad and painful, can be a good end for me. A happy end actually is the wrong word because I should say, a good end. Good isn’t always happy, good is true. Don’t force a happy ending, while you could get a good ending in a different way, through a different path. It has to feel right and often the right things are the painful ones. But not always and it shouldn’t be like this, but the world makes it this way.

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