Day 77 (evening)

One moment can change a life. One moment can decide about life or death. And who are we to decide? Sometimes you get broken, sometimes more than just broken, sometimes it seems hopeless from the outside. But never give up because there might be another one like you, who waits to find you. Or maybe someone else who wants to understand and loves what you do.

I went on the Facebook page of Enigma and found out that many bands and musicians related to it are actually ones I listen to sometimes.

It is strange how feel as if all is just for me, while on the other hand I am just part of it. And then I am just a little fraction of it, an ant on a particle of what there is.

But I know that on the other hand, I should be giving all I have. So as I am starting to do now. But now not because someone forces me to do or society tells me, but because I want it, for the people I love. For all of you.

It isn’t a dream, only if you want it to be.

Today I almost fell again for the thought of that it all is just a dream. But then God sent someone we didn’t expect today. He gave us an Easter present. And because we actually have all we need right now, my mother can now give it someone else. Because she wanted to buy exactly what we got, even with an empty post card, so we could use it again. I still feel a little confused, but I think I am stabilizing again. This said, I am still not a hundred when it comes to mental health. But I know that I am not writing out of randomness. I feel this overwhelming love while writing and also give some of it back, to you out there.

This is my therapy after all. While I started last year around June I think, I had no idea where it would lead me. At first I wrote just to my trusted friend, but in January I moved to this blog. First of all because I didn’t want to put all my problems onto him and then I thought, maybe it helps in the end. Either just the two of us maybe even other people.

Some people found me and even liked some of the things I wrote and it filled my heart with even more love. I also found some people with interesting stories and in general very deep and lovely people, at least from what I have read and seen so far. But I just feel and felt the love.

Now I know that I am writing myself into history, I am writing history and I am not done yet. But I am just one like you, but because I have no limits, nothing but love, I move forward. Some days I get into my thoughts and I experience interesting things while doing so. If I should describe my mental health right now, from my feelings and thoughts, I would say I am something between 99% and 78%.

When I am writing now, I am most of the time in the 90+% region. When I am in the forest as well. And when I listen to music while writing it feels like 100% sometimes, but still is 99%. But it still can just be one knock on the door and I am down to 80% or the phone ringing. So while the person who brought us the present was nice and all, I was down to 78% while talking because I automatically was confronted with problems again and closed chapters, which will soon be reopened. But now I have to rewrite because I can’t close them forever, so I have to rewrite them instead. Make them better. Because otherwise it won’t get better, I can’t escape my prison cell yet, while I escape the first one inside, the second layer is still not done yet (meaning this world). I am still not done, not ready yet. Only through God I can act as a hundred, but I am still a 50% without God and without all I know again and processed now, learned through it, I would be back at ground zero. So I know God wants me to live, otherwise I would be dead by now. Probably many years. While I sometimes let me drag down, God wants to get me up again because Jesus was here for a reason.