Day 72 (late evening)

While I write all the things I just have to write. I still have this fear that I could do wrong, that I could push too far or say things which will be misleading. If you think I think I am a holy man, or if you think I am, you are far way from what this is about. I am not holy. I am not better than anyone.

If I should seem this way, maybe you have to first realize that no one is perfect. And those who think they are, are the worst. Those who want to be perfect will fall one day, hopefully to realize that perfection is nothing we can be alone. And that things which aren’t “perfect”, are actually what we want, while we think it is perfection. Some people want perfection because they think it is all. But it is nothing. We alone will never be perfect. But if we are connected with God and all what is, then we know that we are through God. We ourselves will always have flaws, but this is just how it is. We don’t have to hold our problems up high, but also not put us down because of them. If your car (if you have one) has a broken wheel for example, would you throw the whole car away? No, of course not. You would get a new wheel or try to repair it.

Am I weak? Yes I am weak. Am I a sinner? Who isn’t? But it depends on how you see it. We don’t have to stay in a broken state of mind or lost world kind of thinking. If we fall, we fall. But we can always stand up. But sometimes we fall and stay down for years, decades, a life time? It is a shame how cruel some people are.

If you would ask me, whether I believe in monsters, I can say yes without a doubt. But I also believe in truth, love and peace. Do I believe vampires could be real? Yes because we all can become monsters and sometimes monsters are created by us. Only because you haven’t seen something yet, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Only because you always see things in one way, doesn’t mean it could not be different one time.

We like to get into concepts, trust a world we created or others, more than ourselves. When I believe in God, I also have to believe in all other things. Because for me God is everything. The core of everything. So even if something isn’t good, it is still there. If you say God exists, but vampires are just ferry tales. Than either both is a tale or both is real. This doesn’t mean everything is real, but there sure is more to both stories.

This doesn’t mean I would want vampires to be real, that I would want to meet or even become one, but should they exist, it would be wrong to laugh about them or to ignore them. They would be creatures like us, like trees and ants. Only difference, they tend to need blood, while we are good with having blood in our vanes.

And the same goes for other creatures. If you believe in God, you have to believe in aliens. If you believe in aliens, you should be able to believe in God. But aliens can be good, can be bad, can be neutral. If you read in the bible at the end it is about different creatures which are in the sky / heaven / space? They look different and so on. Also in the bible is that you can’t hide from God on other stars. So aliens could be angels, good or evil or just neutral in some way.

If you believe in God it should be possible for you that zombies could walk the streets. When the dead get out of the graves, come to life again.

But if all of this scares you, maybe you have a totally different perspective on God. Maybe your perspective is good for you, your path. But for me this is my path. And I don’t call good to be evil and evil to be good, while it sometimes might seem this way. I just try to explain what (at least from my perspective(s)) is good or bad, right or wrong, as far as I can explain right now.

My father said, why aren’t I just listen to good music. But for me there is no bad or good music. When it comes to music, music just is. I know what he means, I know what I know. I don’t like people praising the devil or worse things, why should I? But for me metal is just music, like classic, like pop, like rap, like any other genre. I have no genres, I just listen to music.

If you are scared, this means you can’t go this path or if it is meant for you, you are not ready yet. But fear is just a warning sign. Fear is not the problem. I also fear, if I wouldn’t I would be lost. But I know understand my fear more than before. I know that it is like the “no oil” warning in the car for example. It doesn’t kill you, but if you ignore it, you could end up in a bad situation. But you also don’t have to start worrying a lot. Just don’t notice it and then try to get some oil or if it is another car than gas or power either way.

And for you this means, don’t run away, face your fear because the fear is not your enemy. Darkness is not your enemy. They are your friends, when you start to understand what they really are. Churches won’t save you, crosses won’t save you, bibles won’t, light won’t. But God can and will save you, if you know God or God knows that you want to know it. If you don’t want God, God can’t help you. For me God has no gender, but many people think God is a man and some God is a woman. Should I write about God as a man, it is just because I am used to it.

“Love knows no borders.” – God knows no borders.

Religion knows borders. People know borders. Elements know borders. Science knows borders. Many things seem to know or act as if they do.

But if you believe in God for real, there is nothing which is impossible. So why shouldn’t you be able to fly, why shouldn’t it be able to walk on other planets millions of light years away? Why should it be impossible to Break a wall with your fists? It is just because we know borders, limits, laws.

They are there, but we have to go beyond them and see how it all truly is and could be. And when I mean breaking a wall with your bare fists I mean it literal, but to be honest, even my limits, the borders in my head, are too strong for some things. While my soul knows, a part of me, part of my brain isn’t ready for it yet. Or at least in my case I should say, isn’t anymore, but will be at one point. As a kid I knew it all, but now it is hard to get there again.

Now you might ask: But why are you telling / writing us all these amazing things, if you have problems believing them yourself? Well, good question. Because I know they are true and it feels right to me, but I am a student like you, learning like you. I only act as a tool, but while as a tool I write and do amazing things sometimes, I am also still me and only because the master who uses the tools knows, the tool itself, still has to learn. So that it may one day be like the master, but still not the master. But in the end still a tool. Only then a tool who knows it is a tool and it is good as it is. Each tool is different because the master has different tasks to do with and through it.

Would he have just a million pickaxes, but wanted to cut a tree, the master would have a problem. He still could do it in a different way, but then what would be the point? You can also do things in several ways. Still some things are just meant to be, while others are not. This doesn’t mean that you are meant to be broken. No one is meant to be broken. Love is for everyone, God is for everyone and we all can and will be free, if we want to deep down.

The process is what has value, the result also has value, but the process the most and the point when it started and ends. If you just value the result, the most value isn’t noticed or lost even.

This brings me back to what my autistic cousin also often said. Something like “Do things with your hands, so that you feel life.” It also was from one of his audio books I guess, but still it is true. And I knew and he knows, but I didn’t realize how important it actually is and was.

We want things to be easy and some things can and could be easier. But when we realize that most of the time just the result is valued, not how it was done and that the result has to be fast, cheap and so on. Then we realize that we totally lost the point of it all. We were given the ability to create and we tend to waste it or give it away. Just for the sake of money, power, economy and such things. If we would not care about lost time because time is irrelevant when it comes to God and the universe, we would see that we have all the time we want and need.

In the bible people got several hundreds if not thousand years old. Something some people want to achieve with science and technology and I can understand that, but I would prefer to die and not get old in a world working for profit, progress, power and always more, more, more.

Luckily it doesn’t have to end this way. Even if it should just be different in some places on this earth. Did people back then do much for their life to become longer? I don’t know, but it seemed to be natural to become old, but then it got lesser and lesser until people started to die in a very young age in average. Only because we are getting older now, doesn’t mean we are healthier or achieved something and if you look at many old people, you sometimes think, are they still alive or just zombies? Not meaning old people are all like this, there are some with over 100 which are smarter and more alive than some children even. But I mean if getting older just means that more and more people need help because when they don’t die before they stopped working, they get all kinds of illness and can’t live alone. Maybe need help all the time, then why should you want to become old?

But it is perspective. So if you know you have all the time you need, you probably will become very old. But if you think you don’t have enough time, you probably die before you even get old. But just one thought alone won’t do that. It is a mindset. And sometimes people who die young are ready to go, while some people who get old are still not ready. If you know you could die each day, you can live as if it would be the last and therefor you would always do something good, if you really understand what it is about. And if you do good things for others and yourself, you are happy, they are happy and positive energy can let you live a long life. Until God decides that you are ready and others are ready.

If you should die before you are ready. God knows a way. Maybe he sends you back, maybe you were ready deep down, but couldn’t believe it yourself. Only because someone lived a wrong life in your eyes, doesn’t mean they will end up in a place like hell. It depends on the perspective and on how the actual person was feeling, thinking, acting, inside and outside. Some people you might think will for sure be in heaven, will be in hell because they just acted as if they were good or even thought to be holy. While they did bad things in secret.

This is why God see the heart and with it the soul, but we usually just see what we want to see. Some of us have the ability to see the soul, but also we sometimes get tricked or aren’t sure. But with God, we all can see. But it isn’t about seeing with eyes, it is about feeling with our gut for example and maybe see inside. Our two eyes will always just see the surface and man how bright they can shine, while inside is black and evil mass.

I told you about my problems several times. Hiding them would only make me exactly that. But I don’t want my problems, still they are there. And hiding them didn’t help and won’t help in the end. Working on them will do. And God helps me with it, I alone can’t do it, I tried. People also couldn’t help me, I tried. But I can help me, with Gods help. And man he really wants to help me, more than I wanted at first. I gave up, but God didn’t.

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