Day 73 (afternoon)

I listened to “Victor Negocik: trapped in time” (my latest track) several times and I couldn’t stop, but at one point I just had to get up again.

I remembered very special moments and thoughts I had. Some of them from my childhood some from recent years.

It felt like time travel.

Once I was driving home from technical school around four years ago. I thought about how the universe, atoms, energy, gravity, people, and connection between them and altogether was possible. So for me it seemed the same. People acting together were the same as stars, planets and atoms and other particles. All in the context of energies. This said, during the same time I got around the mark / grade 4 in maths (D) and most of the time 5 or even 6 (F) in physics. For me it was just strange how there were different ways to calculate at one point. So small things have to be calculated in one way, while big things have to be calculated in another way.

Each year in schools I got dumber, got worse grades and felt more stupid. But inside something survived all this time. What wasn’t my brain – the soul.

The other memory was me after I just got the old computer from one of my older cousins. I didn’t really know how computer worked back then and just knew how it should work from the surface, what people told me. Then once I wanted to shutdown, but it wouldn’t let me. There always was an error message. I tried probably more than 10 times and then I stopped. You have to know, that I got told, that pressing the power button would damage the computer, so I didn’t press it. I feared to break something. And while it is partially true, it doesn’t matter that much.

After several times I started to pray because I knew God would help me, back then I still trusted naturally. And then after that I tried again and the computer just normally shut down. This could seem silly, but it was a special moment. And important.

While listening to the track I also had so many other thoughts and images running through my mind. And it was a great trip through my life.

And now I just thought that ELIF could also be read as LIFE.

I sometimes read different things at the same time or at first one thing than the actual words. And sometimes I read the actual words for a long time until the word flips in my mind and then I see a different meaning or path.

I still can’t tell why I called it “Victor Negocik: trapped in time”, but it is sure an experience with time. I felt time to be so irrelevant. Every memory felt as if they were just yesterday or just a few hours ago.

And I also thought about fear. And that some people said, in the end there is only fear to fear. But for me fear is not a problem. Fear is a friend. Because fear actually just is something which tells you something is wrong or something will change. But it won’t hurt you. Fear is just a feeling, like other feelings. So if you fear, it is okay to fear, but you shouldn’t let fear take over you or push it in front of you. Fear only wants to tell you something. Fear is not the problem. You are not the problem. The problem is that others didn’t understand that fear is not the problem.

You will or always should fear, but not because you shall fear in a bad way, you should fear in a good way because when you know that the fear won’t hurt you and you know what you are doing because you follow your heart / soul. Then the fear will turn into love and then you feel amazing.

If you fear singing in front of thousands of people, this is good, if you do it anyways because you know it can’t hurt you. People can, you can, but fear won’t and when you do it through love, the fear will go away because the moment is there to see the love and everything is good. If people can’t see it, they might laugh, they might do horrible things, but if you know what you want, they are wrong, they just don’t know. Don’t let the fear be your enemy, let it be your friend. Like a guardian, who wants to protect you or stay by your side, so that you don’t rush into something without noticing. Be it good or bad. Change perspectives, change your mind. Love can do all kinds of things. Don’t let anyone take it from you. Especially not you, yourself. We often are the ones who take our own love and put it into cages because we let fear take over and over protect it, until out of protection becomes a prison. And fear turns into a monster. But luckily nothing is for ever, nothing is static, everything is dynamic, changeable, fluid and energy. There is always hope, where is love. And love is always and will never fully die. Even if your love might died for you, it can come back in different ways. So stay open for love. Even if a hundred times you got pain instead of love, one time it will be there.

I am not sure whether it was in a wild west story or just some other story. But I once read or heard something native Americans thought about Europeans. It was about that they couldn’t understand why they were thinking ahead of time, while they couldn’t know what actually would happen. And that the native Americans just lived in the day or just from one day to the next. One with their surroundings.

And this worked better than what the Europeans did or thought.

If you can see love as an eternal energy of positivity, as a deep connection and many, many more things at the same time, then why should love be dead? Why should God be dead? Why should we be dead? Sometimes we are, some are, sometimes it feels like it. But only because you or others see it this way, doesn’t mean it has to be this way. What I see doesn’t have to be this way. But maybe it is different for everyone and therefor it might be actually wrong for you, from your perspective because it is wrong for your path. It depends on how you see it.

I also had another thought about time travel and the creation and things like that.

Some people thought about a time travel paradox, for example if we would travel back in time and create ourselves or just live in the past to be the first humans, wouldn’t this eliminate God as the creator?

From this perspective, we would be our own Gods and while we all are God or Gods in some way and still not, this could be true this way. But then I thought, well actually nothing speaks against this theory because while at one point maybe we replace Gods creation with our own time line, God still created us in the first place and still would exist at the core of it all. So why should it not be possible? It is only paradox if you think it all ends at one point. If you think you can destroy something to be never seen again. It all really depends on perspectives and being open for new ones.

So while it could be possible that some things are different now, which were originally something else. So it could seem they were wrong or not true, but actually they still are and always will be, but now you can’t see it anymore because it changed. Only to be seen again in a different time, a different place? Nothing is lost forever, nothing really dies. But still it feels this way, there still is pain.

I think, when we don’t think, we do the best works and I shouldn’t write “I think” because I know. But I am used to write or say things this way because we get told that we can’t know things we can’t know. And that we shouldn’t think about things we don’t understand. So I say “I think” because if I would say “I know”, others would say, you are wrong. And then I would ask myself to be wrong again and become wrong. Losing trust in myself. But actually I shouldn’t and now I won’t. Still should I lose the trust again, you or someone else will help me back again. Because this is the truth, my truth. Your truth? Our truth? For me it is. So why should I be silent? Like all those years I didn’t speak.

The thoughts are very fast right now and I have an open window with fresh air coming in my room. Warmth from the sun and I had a shower before I started to write this post.

Some thoughts are so fast that I lose them before I fully realize them, but they all are great and full of love.

And I am preparing for a dark time. Because it already is dark, but I also had a thought yesterday and some days before “Winter is coming.” And like in the story with the mouse, preparing for winter. I got reminded by the ad for the game of thrones game or what it was with “Winter is coming”, that a winter is coming, but a different winter. Not the weather or not just it, not the time in year, but a winter as a cold period of time. Without love, without life, without colors even. And that if you think now is bad, there still could happen so much more. But then I am here and others like all these beautiful artists are here. All these people full of love. While the world turns into gray, we are here to paint it again. To fight they dark tone it spreads with love and kindness. Especially when it gets darker. The darkness isn’t the enemy. But the enemy can be dark or bright. And winters are used to be cold.

Don’t lose hope and if so, we are here to find it again for you. The one who thinks one mistake is one mistake too much, is doing the worst mistake of them all. Calling mistakes, mistakes. But imperfection is actual perfection through love. General perfection is imperfection because it is without love, maybe even through pain alone. Love is not just pain. Love is so much more and mainly joy. But love is connection and therefor everything depending on the connection.