Day 72 (afternoon)

After I woke up around noon, I had some interesting thoughts, but sadly I forgot them again, I guess. But I know that I should stop now, not meaning to stop what I am doing, but stop going farther, just now.

Ah there are the thoughts coming back. One thought which came up several times during the past week, was about conversations with one of my cousins who has autism in a state where he needs help.

He often listens to child stories and watches things like Bob the builder and sadly Teletubbies, at least it was like this when we last met.

Some years ago I was talking with him via phone at least once a week. But back then it was exhausting me. But he often told me some of the stories he heard on CD or books. And the two which he often told me about (he just memorizes how he hears, with mistakes as well), the story about a mouse. Maybe you know it, I think the mouse is called Freddy or something, maybe different. And while all mise were collecting food for winter and such things, this mouse would just sit or stand and watch the flowers and sun etc.

The others said why aren’t you helping? And things. But when winter came, this mouse has collected something as well. It collected the sun and the colors, so that the cold winter wasn’t as cold for the others than without this one mouse.

Back then it annoyed me because he told stories every time he would call or at least very, very often. So I felt like being brain washed. And about something else he told me, he said: “But you know that.” In a way you would say to something who pretends to not know.

But now it makes sense. And the other story was about people in India who lost their home after a big storm. They went to the nearby town or city, but all they got was a big tube or something like that to live it at first. And then they got some rice which fell of a vehicle driving by. So that they had something to eat. All in the context of a mother telling her kids this story while they got some warm rice to eat.

I myself also heard or read these stories when I was little, so it just annoyed me hearing them over and over again. But it was for a reason I could see back then because I was so depressed and broken back then, that I just felt all these bad things most of the time. It was as if no matter how big the anger was inside, I couldn’t get it out. It never felt as big as it was inside. And I also learned, that putting it out wouldn’t help, so I just kept it inside.

I really wanted to help my cousin and he wanted to help me, at least that is what he said in some way. He just had his way of doing it, in a time where I wasn’t ready for it. I thought what he told me were just stories, I thought it was not possible for me and it annoyed me because he told them over and over again. But this was just how he could do it. I am sorry that I let you down, but my wounds were too big to handle it at one point.

Now I know why he did it, maybe he knew why, maybe he just told it. But it sure had a meaning I just rediscovered.

And I also had another thought that because I discovered or just found the forest to be more than just a bunch of trees an animals. I mean I know that and knew that, but not like this, not anymore. And for me the forest nearby really is like a portal to another dimension, but not meaning that I really change dimensions (what also could happen at one point, who knows), but that I am far away from everything in the “real” and “normal” world.

“The thoughts are free” you could say.

And the walks reflected my life and now life seems to start to catch up with what I discovered in the dark woods. While the lights I saw in the distant while outside the forest might really just be cars or something and my brain just mixed up something, the forest experiences are real when it comes to feelings and thoughts.

So when the forest greets me, everything is okay. When the forest warns me, I have to stay and listen, I have to look around and get what it is warning me about. You could say, well obviously the fox was scared because of you, but maybe the fox wasn’t because of me. Or it was because of me, but while for the fox it was just a basic reflex, for me it was a message for my inside and soul. To scare me for a second, but not to scare me away, but to show me something.

It could have warned me to not fall down into the hypocrite hole again or warn me to not forget how small I am. How vulnerable. I say some things which might me too heavy sometimes and then I realize that while my soul would actually do these things, I am still not fully able to because of the fears and broken parts still under maintenance – in my brain.

And before you think I am totally crazy, I know that under normal conditions you wouldn’t associate the forest with your life and also not a fox bark with a warning sign for something else, nor believe in werewolves or something. I know man, I know.

But these are the things which held me back all this time, these “You can’t think this or that” kind of thoughts. “This is impossible”, but deep down I just knew it could be true, maybe in a different way, but still not totally fake or wrong. As it was with Jesus and God. I knew that church was fake for the most part (not all people, not all churches, but just in general). But Jesus story felt alive, other stories in the bible felt alive and God was alive for me, but it always felt different. And when I tried to see it the way others told me it should be, or I thought they meant it, it got weird and almost broke.

I also had a thought, that maybe the intelligent ones actually have to think they are stupid, while the others just will always think they are intelligent. But from a good perspective. So when you are intelligent, you just know that you don’t know. And you will never be able to know everything, but then you are still intelligent and probably know more than most people. And you are able to know that you are and know more, but you just always know that you still could know so much more and do so much better on the other side. While the other ones have to come to the conclusion as well, but probably need way more time. And looking on it this way, it makes sense to me and is not bad. Because for a long time I thought, why is it that you have to think this or that way, when you know how it works? Like when you know that intelligent people tend to think they are stupid, it seemed to me like a law. So if one would say, I am not stupid, they are called stupid because others thought they are stupid for thinking they are not. And then I was confused because I wasn’t sure about myself. I knew I wasn’t stupid, but then I felt stupid, so I thought I actually was stupid after all, while I wasn’t. Can you follow?

This conclusion makes more sense for me and while I already had a thought about wise ones, this one is a great addition to it, at least for me.

Sometimes I have to watch something twice to fully understand, sometimes I have to get a thought several times to realize its importance and so on.

While I discovered some music many years ago and already liked it, I couldn’t fully explain why, not to myself or others, but now I rediscover some of it and also find so much more related to it, and can actually explain it or at least try to.

For me everything can have a meaning, but it depends on where you draw the line. Meaning what everything in this context actually means. Because just one noise or action, doesn’t have to have a big meaning for you, but it can have. But just someone having a cold and therefor making some noises, is just a cold. Or is it? It can be more, but this is the point. Where do you draw the line? I drew the line so far out, that I actually didn’t see it anymore on one side, while on the other side I had a second line which was just a jump away. Meaning on one hand I thought nothing had meaning or shouldn’t have because of what others told me or showed me etc. and on the other hand I sure didn’t see meaning in every little detail all the time, but it was depending on the situation. Sometimes on noise can make a difference, sometimes it is just the heating pipe. And therefor my line now is on both sides very close to me again. One is still a little bit farther away, but still I can see both and work with it for now.

This also is some kind of “image” / description on how I see it when it comes to meaning and things you should or shouldn’t investigate or think about or believe. I hope it makes sense. Because some thoughts are just way too strange. But on the other hand, some things might actually be strange and you are the only one who noticed. Making you the first or one of a few, but if you tell someone, they call you crazy. Sometimes it might be crazy, sometimes it could be something else.

It is difficult, but because of that you have to have a connection through love and a gut feeling. Not everyone has it or can use it the same way. This said, it may be something different for you or most people. But still we all have similar bodies and they work in a similar way, yet they are so different and amazing when it comes to what we think they do and can do and what they actually can do.

If you still know where you are, and think you might be crazy, you aren’t crazy. Maybe you have a problem, but you are not lost. So maybe what you see is not what other people see, be it visions, be it people or monsters or maybe you don’t see things like that, but you feel things or have other things no one seems to understand. Maybe it is not just crazy. But you have to investigate it with caution and don’t trust everything you see, just because it looks good or something like that.

Okay and now I expect that I will probably get a lot of stones thrown against my head because I can’t write about mental illness or spiritual experiences like that.

Still I have to and I don’t want to hurt anyone nor say it is good to be crazy. This is not what I mean. Because it is the horror, either for the people who have the problems or the people who live with them. But I am just telling, that maybe the illness isn’t always “just” an illness, but actually something you should try to understand, depending on what it is. But also get well and don’t hurt by it or hurting others. As one woman who had schizophrenia told in a TED talk. She first heard voices and knew she was crazy and no one really helped her, just said it is permanent and gave her pills or something. Then one therapist actually listened and now she still hears voices, but now she knows that they are just a part of her and now they actually help her.

If she would have stayed in the believe that it is just bad and other people would have always supported it, she would have stayed in this broken state and actually wouldn’t have gotten better. But now she is happy and lives with it in a good and healthy way.

I hope you understand what I wanted to say. But if for example it is something which just hurts you physically or something, it really isn’t good to harm yourself or others. You have to get out there. But if people say “It is permanent, but we can fight the symptoms”, for you it is probably like “You are dead, accept it.” or “You are broken, there is no hope.”, but there is and they are wrong. It depends on how you see the solution. Maybe the symptoms actually won’t go away, like hearing voices, but maybe you could turn them to the opposite, to something good, like this woman did with her therapist, who actually listened and explained it to her in a good and kind way.

No one has to stay broken, some people might be less broken than others think and they think themselves and often the people who think they are good and therefor “normal” (average) are more broken. Perspectives man…

I hope you know how I mean it and that I don’t say that being broken is cool or good and that having a mental illness is fun or something. It really isn’t, but it might be different than we, I and you and others think. Don’t think you know everything, while you are just guessing or listening to what others say. Maybe they did it themselves and in the end no one knows for sure, but everyone pretends to know. Think for yourself, but through your soul and not just through what you think. Because what we think most of the time is related to what we experienced or got told by others. But maybe it was all wrong. Well maybe not “all” all, but still a lot. Don’t fall for people, don’t just believe me. Because I could be one of those who lead people into a trap. How should you know? Just because I say, I am right, doesn’t mean I am. Just because you or others say I am right, doesn’t mean I am, while I could be. But you see, it all is a trusting game, when it comes to thinking. But feeling, using the senses, has nothing to do with thoughts, at least not when everything works as it should. The senses won’t lie, but the mind could change the results. If so, it really is hard to trust anything. But you are not lost, there is hope. Hold on to it. Never let go of this hope.

This again reminds me of a creepy pasta (which actually didn’t feel like one to me) in which someone died and then a being came over (maybe a man I can’t remember) and it was God. And it told the person that everyone is him and every time he dies he will be reborn and all of us are one and that we are a child god to become what the God was. And there was more, but this message hit me. Wouldn’t I have listened to creepy stories back then, I wouldn’t have found it. It was so strange and beautiful because I was how I felt and thought, but in a creepy story. Looking back, I felt scared most of my life. And God found me, where every I was through everything I was doing. Everything. Really.

And compared to how scary and majestic God is to me, it indeed is a creepy story, but in a good way. You should fear it in love because you know it is bigger than you, but still cares about you. Like a human who picks up an ant. Could have just crushed it willingly or by accident, but didn’t. Helped the ant and cared for it, each of them in a different way. It might not look like this, but it is beyond what you see and hear with your physical body.

I never was doing drugs or Ayahuasca, but I think I still got these experiences because the actual experience is not because of substance, but believe and thoughts and also through a connection. Some people need help with such things, but some don’t or shouldn’t. While of course most drugs are just bad, don’t do drugs. But not all things are bad, just because people say they are and not what they call is good is good.

Tom had a heavy experience and I have the same, while I did it my way.

Love is connection, true love is.

This brings me back to a story about a preacher my mother told me. A very open and nice guy who actually is a true and good soul. He once was going to talk in a stadium and there were papers and basic ads on walls or something. The funny part was, that because he was a magistrate he was written “Mag. name” I forgot the name, but maybe I will add it later, when I don’t forget it. And most people thought “Mag.” was meaning Magician or something like that, so the stadium was full of people, to his surprise because usually not many people would show up, or so he thought.

And it was a cloudy or maybe rainy day even. He started to speak to the people and at one point someone must have asked him about his power or something. And then he prayed that the sun may come out and it came out. Then all the people where like “Mag, mag” calling him a great magician. But all he did was pray to God / Jesus. I don’t know what else happened, but many people were so overwhelmed and amazed that they didn’t realize that he was “just” a preacher. Actually the opposite of what they wanted to see. And yet it was what they wanted to see, but didn’t know. Because this man truly had something. While he wasn’t a magician he was still having power, but not actually he himself, but he was connection to it through his strong and honest believe in God.

God is not what you think people… not what you think. Man this is always so amazing how the dots are coming together, while it at first looks like pure randomness or even just crap.

I always just start writing or by listening to something / watching a video and then it just comes all out. I never plan to do these things. I am just writing. 🙂

And while this is funny on one side, it is also a message on the other side. Don’t take it too serious when you want to laugh about it, but still listen to the words. Because if we think we know what we are doing, because we do what others do, we might just fall into a river full of lava like them. Sleeping, waking up again, sleeping always feeling pain. Or we just stand on the side of it and don’t do anything about others who experience it, while we just stand there, watching.

Man this got way too deep for a funny game video. It is about perspective yet again. The intention was fun, it was funny, but also scary because of its relevance for these times. We might think we won’t survive, but we will. But we have to think for ourselves and care for one another. Otherwise we might walk or glide into this painful river. Thought lost, feeling lost, without a feeling of hope, while the land to stand on is right next to us. We just need a helping hand sometimes or be the helping hand. Or let god use us as his hand because we sure don’t know what we are doing. Especially when we think we know. We still can understand parts of it and this is good, but we will never see the full picture all the time, this is impossible for one brain. At least usually. Maybe you are the one who is able to see it all. I am not, but I already saw a lot.