Day 71 (evening)

We already had this one in one version. But it is so good, I just had to add this again. 🙂

Today was another special day and also tonight was very interesting.

When I got to the forest tonight, it felt really strange. But for the first time in the past months in an uneasy way, like really scary. But it wasn’t my old fear, it was how it was before, but it was something you should fear, it seemed, but then I shouldn’t fear personally.

I did see the light over village again, but this time I thought, well probably it really was just cars driving down a long road. I am still not sure. Then on the right side another light appeard. One was a car, or at least I thought. But then it seemed to move backwards after moving foward. And also the light from last time seemed to split up in a way which can’t just be car. It was pretty strange and I still can’t tell what it was. Maybe something supernatural maybe not or both in some way.

But this wasn’t what scared it, it was the atmosphere in the air. The dogs were loud, other animals from the village and also animals in the forest I haven’t heard so far very screaming or making sounds. Some of these sounds even sound surreal, not from this earth. I even thought I heard sounds you could only heard in water from the forest. I don’t know what was subjective and what was as it was. But it were less the sounds, but this feeling. And I think it was some kind of energy which all the animals were feeling as well as me. It was something very dark and negative. It was painful. And while all the nights before, when I heard some animals, it was just a basic owl sound or whatever, this time all the animal sounds seem to be out of pain and or fear. As if something or someone was attacking, haunting or just hurting them.

I stood at first at the soccer / football field a while, I stood in the second tree corridor / small forest part. I listened, I felt and tried to figure out what it was. Sometimes I thought something was watching me. And because of the almost full moon there was this bright light everywhere. So everything looked scary as well. I didn’t see anyone or anything watching me, but it was as if something was invisibly watching me or at least that there was something in the air. So I couldn’t go into the forest, not because of fear, but because it just didn’t felt right this night. I was in front of the actual forest, but turned around and instead went back to the second small part. Then I got into the middle of the street and just some kind of poem prayer and wake up call went through my mind, while I was in a crouch position with my hands together.

It can’t remember all words, but I know it rhymed and was very honest and strong. It was about that all who are like me shall wake up as well and that whether they were seeing me or dreaming what I see wasn’t a dream, that is is and was real for me. And that we are connected. And something like that. The words formed themselves, so I can’t remember all, but I know it was good.

Then I got up again and I walked home again. The first time with a hurt heart, while the times before the heart felt better. But this time it wasn’t for me, it wasn’t just about me. So the hurt feeling, was getting me down because I knew it was for a reason.

This why I said, no night is like the night before, I get always surprised, either by myself or the things happening etc.

“When you think, you have seen everything…” –

I stopped thinking this because I have seen “everything”, still everything just as a fraction of it. So while I have seen it all, I get still amazed or surprised by it because it takes time to see it all. Some things can just be seen like this. Wouldn’t I be surprised about them, I wouldn’t see them at all. Like quantum particles in some way.

An this sense8 kind of thinking was also getting stronger before I went out.

The sounds were louder as usual in general and as I said, there was just some kind of energy I felt and the animals felt. I sure didn’t feel it as much as them, I guess because I didn’t scream. But it sure was heavy.

Then I went to bed and I had some dreams. I don’t know, but it also was a little strange and part of it was another therapy session I guess. Because at one point I had a sexual scene again. But sadly I can’t remember the other things. It was like a day in my head, but I only know that I was somewhere else, with foreign furniture and while there were some familiar people, I don’t know whether they were just familiar in the dream. And there were probably also people like my mom. But I don’t know what it all was about and it were multiple dream sequences again, I guess.

Then soon after I woke up we had lunch together with my father (usually he is in his house and me and my mother in mine). And we started to talk again. The words just came out of me and we talked and talked, especially I with my father another deep conversation. And we figured out many misunderstandings again and I also just had some great ideas I just had to speak out and then he also understood more. We still had a small interference when it came to me listening to all kinds of music, like metal and stuff. But even with that we got to a point, where even he said, that you can praise the lord with all instruments. He sure still has some difficulties to understand me, but I think I now finally understand him and we both understand each other way better now.

I came up with an explanation why for example Jesus and “God’s word” isn’t the bible, but that it is inside the bible. For you this might also be a logical thing to say, well this is just the same. For me it isn’t.

So I just had this interesting story / image in my mind. It just popped up and got bigger and while I was speaking it out, it made more and more sense.

Okay, let me try to write it.

Imagine there is someone or maybe even you, who got to the Niagara falls (but it could be anything), and then you decided to share this amazing view with other people. So you wrote it down in a book. And you really tried to write it all down, so others can see it how you saw it. Now the book gets sold or just shared, either way.

One guy gets the book and reads “There are big water falls. A lot of water and there are some houses nearby and people.” Then he walks outside and also has a big water fall with some houses and people, so he thinks: “What is so special about this place? I already have something like that where I am” (but he lives somewhere else). Then another one lives in Africa in the or near the desert and is thankful for enough water to drink and food. So he thinks “Even if I would want to see it, I don’t even have enough money to get there and what even are water falls?”

He just haven’t seen water falls where he lives and all water he finds would be a great surprise. So he can’t imagine it because the words are just words.

You could also take another person. But I think you get what I mean.

While the actual message, that the big water falls are great and beautiful, is in the book, people still can’t see the actual falls through it. They just have words on paper. And then I tried to explain, that you could burn all books or bibles on the planet or in general all bibles where ever they may are. But then only the paper, the letters are burned, but the actual word they should represent are still there, the water falls would still be there. And the bible or book about the falls have a message, but just the words are dead, just the paper won’t help you. The book on its own is worthless, you could say.

So this is for the “The bible is not the word, but the word is within the bible.” The word is alive, but words are dead. And therefor the word “word” is actually a problem. Because it isn’t actual word, but truth within words. So you can see “the word” within everything, while the bible might be dead. I hope this got a little clearer now. And I am still not telling you, that I am a Christian and that you have to go to church or something. I don’t do that and I am not because for me these words and things have a different meaning. For you believing in Jesus, means that you are a Christian and I understand that, but for me it means that I have to do things I don’t want, which don’t feel right and that many people are hypocrites who call themselves something they are not, for example Christian.

And also I am not into religion you should know that by now. Religion indeed is dead, as dead as the words on all the papers. If it isn’t alive, it is dead. But this doesn’t mean, that the origin is dead or that there isn’t a truth behind things, just because it is dead or looks dead now.

Okay back to the “image”.

So you could tell the people all over the world how great the falls are, just with your words in a book, they will never really see it. They might imagine something, but sometimes this even makes them feel bad because they can’t get there. They guy in the desert without money or just enough to survive, won’t ever be able to travel there.

Then there is the turning point. You or the writer of the book starts to see, that it isn’t working or maybe even resulting in the opposite. Then he tries to make a small movie about it, takes some photos. And also for example gives the man in the desert money for a living and also invites him to watch the falls, by buying a ticket for him as well as giving him enough to live a good life. Then this man gets to see the water falls and is so speechless and thankful, he has really no words. He never could have dreamed of something this beautiful.

After that I switched to another scenery. I said, that I feel like one who lived at the falls before, somewhere nearby and while as a kid I liked them and loved them, I moved away because there were many tourists all the time and also so much noise and I just had to get away from it at some point and forgot about the good time. Then I was in a city far away for a long time and now I moved back there and almost like for the first time see the true beauty. But I remember that I had seen it as a kid, but it was just natural for me because I just lived there.

And because of this journey I would want to film everything around and about the water falls, record the sound, write it all down, make photos, talk about, and so on. Because it just hit me, finally home again.

(End of the image)

And therefor I am doing what I am doing. Not because of some water falls somewhere (and I never was there actually, it was just an example image), but I said that Jesus and God / the universal consciousness are the water falls. And the bible is the book someone wrote. But just with the book, the bible people don’t see. Some may see even just through it, but most won’t. And I personally had many conflicts with and because of the bible and how people lived etc. But I saved my connection to what was the true god and Jesus I felt alive and real as a kid. I never fully lost it, but it got very weak the last years. I almost lost it and also myself, only to fully find it again.

But my way and not how other think it should be. And I am still not going to a church or something like that, but now I can see it clear again and real again. I can see that I never needed anything religion tried to tell me because I already knew it all and religion actually put it away. Also other things, but the other people in general, things and in the end I myself.

I put all the good stuff in a cage, in a prison cell deep down inside me, guarded by a commander who later became my worst enemy. He was meant to protect me, but turned out to be my devil. And now that I could forgive my devil, I can go out love you all. I am still having some problems and no my devil is not the overall devil, not the darkest of energies, but it felt like it. I always knew it was just me, but because others said it wasn’t or whatever, I thought, maybe it isn’t me after all. But I just knew it was just a part of me. And it was and is. So while my solution won’t work always and not for everyone, I didn’t try to kill it, but to love it. And now the dark commander is not dark anymore. He is just sad, but now I (my female soul) puts the arms around him while he cries.

And when some bad things still come up, like thoughts or old habits, I know it is “just” the damage left to repair. But it is not forced anymore. It isn’t the manipulator, not the dark commander and no other of his men. Those who survived this decades long war, are finally just happy it is over. Those who did wrong regret and apologize deeply and the others are there for them and for each other.

Me and my dad were talking till 7 PM while we started around 1 or 2 PM.

We also spoke about many other things. For example about his perspective and my perspective on music and also that he was against getting involved in any kind of mystical or occult things etc. Basically that metal is from the devil and such things. And then I tried to explain my perspective that while I don’t like what some people do, no matter what, be it music, a movie etc. but that I always search for something beneath it. And that for me it is different. For me it is about feeling it and also understanding it. And often you don’t see how much value you are losing or what you are missing, when you back off from things you don’t understand or because others say it is wrong etc.

I listen to almost anything, as long as it has something beneath it or within. When it is just surface bullshit like “I have bitches and the money” or something like that, it just annoys me. But then for example when someone sings about their inner fears or thoughts “I am the devil.” (just an example), I would listen. Now you might think, okay this guy clearly is crazy or is far away from the right path. But maybe it isn’t me, but you? Maybe we both are on different paths, still with the same goal.

When I listen to things which are about the devil I listen to it in the way that I want to hear the people behind the song, the meaning behind the actual words. And then you often find the opposite. But if you just hear “I am the devil”, maybe screamed in a deep voice, you probably think this guy is making music for the devil or has demons, or what. And maybe you are right. But wouldn’t it then not be wrong to distance from it? But I have to add, that this is critical and not everyone can do what I can do. Also not everyone should do what I do. Most people are probably better of with actually distancing, for their own safety. It depends on how you see it and on the people.

For me it was always natural to see behind covers, behinds faces and actual words, to see the true souls and people. But I blocked it or damaged this part for most of my life because I thought it was wrong.

But then I actually got where I shouldn’t have been and I wouldn’t want to be, when I could decide to do it again or not. I would only do it to understand, but not because it was fun or good. It almost killed me inside.

For me metal is just music and music is just a medium. Music is not good or bad. It can sound a certain way of course, but the sounds you hear aren’t bad, they don’t do anything. Well I mean some sounds can do things, but this is not what I mean when I talk about music in general.

This is why I also have no genre or kind of music I like the most. I listen to everything when it comes to genres, but I don’t listen to every track or song.

It has to have something, call it soul, life or just truth. Even or especially if the words might be the opposite of what the actual truth behind the words wants to tell. For example “AC/DC” was never really my kind of music. I like TNT and high way to hell nonetheless. Not for the words, not for what the band was doing, but the sound of it or something. Same goes for other things. And I would never want to meet AC/DC nor go to a concert of them, but still they have something good, while it might just be the sound or melody in some of their songs. And I mean, maybe they are actually nice people, but I just had no interest in them, so I can’t tell.

For me it is only important how something feels to me and depending on that I can go deeper. Then I analyze the data you could say. And in the end I have an image. Sometimes this could be wrong, but often it was right or leading into the right direction.

Like if you dream about fish in a lake and there is a house with a red door and then some time later you see a lake with fish, but the house has a brown door, maybe it still was the same, but just in the dream it looked different. (Just an example from my side.)

And because I can love all people (now again), I just have to listen to everything in some way and be interested in everything to some degree.

For me this is clear and I know how I mean it, in a good way and also with caution and knowledge. But for you it might seem dangerous or completely wrong.

I can just say, that when I don’t know the worst what could happen for sure and I have a bad feeling about something, I shouldn’t do it. Like last night with the forest. I walked so many times now at night through the forest, without much fear and also nothing bad happened. I could have just said “Nah, this is ‘just’ a feeling, I already went there so many times, nothing will happen.”, but I also learned to trust my feeling again and so I didn’t. Maybe nothing would have happened, but I wasn’t sure this time, so I didn’t risk it.

And this is how I from now on will do anything or at least try to. I am still learning like you. For you it is probably different, still maybe what I share with you helps you with your path.

Don’t do anything because I did it and everything went good for me. I am me and you are you. I know the dangers and the chances and trust me I have a very high imagination. So I can imagine very scary things as well as beautiful things, sometimes even I thought I couldn’t imagine. So when I do something I try to imagine the worst what could happen, for example a monster, the devil or something could appear in the forest. And only if I could handle this when thinking about it, I could actually do it. Because the worst doesn’t happen most of the time, but you should be prepared for it.

I am prepared for it because I am not alone. Would I be going into the forest all by myself, without the connection to the universe or god, I could just run into a knife without me noticing. I actually have a very broken nervous system, so yeah this could actually happen.

You don’t have to imagine what I imagine, but still try to image what would be worse for you. Because we are all different in some way and our own “hell” you could say looks different. Alone I would have never walked into the dark forest, not even thinking about without a light and stuff. Just some months ago, I even was scared alone in a room without lights. So how should I do this now? I alone won’t be able to. So I trust this feeling, I trust God you could say. Because for this all is part of him or it or them. God is much more and many things for me at the same time.

So please, don’t just do what I do, when you have no idea what you are doing at the moment. I know the risks and only then I do things, when I know it is worth risking the worst.

Start little, I started little by simply typing some sentences and sent them to one of my cousins. He now turned into my closest friend I ever had. But at first I just started to write a couple of things. I was hurt a lot and also scared a lot, but I risked it because I thought at worst he could turn away from me. And I knew, wouldn’t I start to write I would probably turn away from him anyways. So I just risked it, to not lose him either way.

The bigger decisions and risks came one by one, step by step. Some together with others, but I found a way to solve them or God did it for me through other people who just seemed to be at the right point at the right place.

When I started I didn’t know I would get where I am now. I feared to end insane. I feared to become an even worse monster than I already felt like and now I am almost the opposite of what I was a year ago. The process almost killed me, but God didn’t want me to die, but I had to get there, so I could understand those who feel and felt the same. I had to go there to see. But you shouldn’t go through the hell I went through. It was my path, it was meant for me, not for you. But maybe some of you are in an even worse hell than mine or a similar one. The key is, to risk something for good and start with a small thing, so that the damage it could cause, isn’t to hard. Don’t try to jump the hill, while not even able to walk.

We often know the answers for our questions. And even put them out before we actually ask the question. Only to see how wonderful it all is.

And sometimes what you do, seems stupid or pointless to you, but someone else you might never see or meet, not even know about, got saved by what you do. Even if it might seem like it could cause the opposite at first. It is way more complex and amazing, but it is about what you make out of it.

For example Gronkh (well known german youtuber and streamer etc.) is 42 years old, his birthday is on the 10th April and also on this day is Good Friday or Karfreitag (german). He also has a running gag that he is almost twelve now since the beginning of his path 10 years ago. And he also mentioned that it is scary that he now can almost say it again because he now is almost 12 years doing what he is doing. But then I had this thought that Jesus was also 12 I guess when he talked with the men in the temple at one point and explained some things to them and so on.

For me Gronkh is a man how God would want us to be. He has some flaws we all have, but he has a very good heart and I saw in him a father till this day. We have similar origins, similar ideas, similar struggles and so on. I never had a connection with my actual father, just in the last weeks it started to become one. And while Gronkh also jokes about some things he knows some things. He also had masks for most of his life because he thought this is what people want to see, this is how he has to be. But when he took them off finally, he got where he always wanted to be. And he said that he got there now with all this people, the community is very great and all what he is doing and so on. He never thought this would be a thing nor that he would do such a thing when he started, but he got there. He lives what most of us still have to learn. And for me it was always clear that he was gods tool. While Gronkh himself has nothing to do with him for himself, also because of all these wrong things and bad experiences. He is right, I am right, you are right. But it depends on the perspective.

Maybe Gronkh’s joke about being almost 12 has actually a deeper meaning noone and also he himself didn’t think about. That he is almost twelve could also mean, that he is almost the way he should be. And he already is one of the best people on this planet, at least from my perspective and all his fans and people who work with him.

Therefor I should maybe also say that I am almost 12. Because 12 is also the number for being whole.

Okay, enough for today. I hope you had a good Sunday and weekend, despite all what is going on. I am here, other people like Gronkh and so many people in these videos, musicians, artists, etc. are there with you for you and we are all together.

Спокойной ночи, Good night, gute Nacht and stay safe! ♥