Day 70 (afternoon)

Well till this morning I had no problem with me wanting porn or something. But yeah, today it hit me again. And yes, other people have no problem with this, while others might want to crucify me or something. Since this is my life, I guess it is up to me to decide how to work on it. Because for me porn is a problem, but this is a personal thing, while I also have other perspectives on this topic of which I mentioned a couple. some days / weeks ago.

Since I already mentioned and know in a long time that forcing anything doesn’t work for me and avoiding things like this also isn’t working for long because it is not about “Do I buy a pack of potatoes or chips today?”. No it is about having problems, feelings and being different. Today I told myself that it was okay while it still isn’t for me personally, but there is no other way left for me to work on this. And isn’t true love all about accepting one as they are? Without conditions?

For me this clearly is the case and was always, but a long time I forgot about it, while a part of me still knew. So if I would say “You perverted bastard, you did it again! How can you tell people things about true love, about freedom and Jesus and all, while doing such a thing, again and again!”, it would only trigger my self-destructive “mechanisms” as I could call them. They are so deeply wired in my brain, that it is as if it always was this way. But I know it wasn’t, at least now I can remember the time before it all started, so I am sure it wasn’t always like this.

Therefor I now just support myself, especially when I do something wrong. Not telling myself to do it, but that it happened, but that this is not all, this is not what I am all about. And that I will get over it one day and can leave it behind for ever. I know I don’t need it, I even don’t want it, but there is this “mechanism” who, when triggered, just does things like this. For the most part I could reduce it to none or just some days compared to weeks. Some mechanisms already died or at least got silenced for good.

If you expect someone to just get over a thing like mental illness the same way like for example a cold, you don’t know how it is like.

This book given the time it was written, really has some good value. Although I would personally say that some things aren’t meant or good for everyone. For example getting in some kind of routine was the horror for me because routines never worked for me, but I still had to force them, which made me sick and also harmed my mental health badly. So for me the advice would be, do what feels right to you and don’t get into a routine situation. But this is just a personal thing. Because I work best when I have no limitation, no set times to do stuff and also not a specific order etc.

In the end when motivation, in a good mood, I can really on my own just do things with a lot of patients and from the outside looking like having a routine, but it isn’t or at least not most of the time. While I understand the concept of having routines, for me the routines weren’t things which supported me. It was more like: “You do this for so many years now, but you still have trouble to get to the bus by in time sometimes” or “Why are you always late, while you know how it goes?” or “I know how to drive a car, but I feel like a child driving”. Okay I guess this looks “normal” accept the last one maybe. But I just had no good example by hand (as it was each time when I tried to tell people about my problems, which resulted in an even worse situation afterwards because I didn’t get help most of the time).

I sure don’t drive a car like a child, if this would mean racing others and giving a damn about other people. No it would be the opposite. I would drive very slow, maybe even too slow sometimes. I would have trouble holding the car in the middle of the road and also fear to drive past another car on high ways for example. While on other days I just drove like a pro racer, at least it felt this way. It just worked, I just didn’t think much about it, just did. But that also wasn’t always good because I almost crashed into someone once or twice.

Okay now you might think I shouldn’t drive a car and I would support you. Because I actually didn’t want to get my license and never wanted a car myself, but because of work and other people I decided to do it and also to prove myself that I can finish something till the end, even if I hate it. Luckily I did it, somehow. It is like, sometimes it just works and the rest of the time I am left with more or less manual control. Which is very difficult and dangerous sometimes. You could also say, well it is could to be always altered and pay attention, but this isn’t what it is about. It is fear which isn’t healthy.

Some things be probably be there forever while others could be recovered. Wouldn’t I know that as a child I was a life loving being, with so much energy, positive thoughts and this highly motivation to understand everything truly, I could say something like “It always has been and always will be, till I die”, but I know this is wrong, but it is in my hands and with my soul and the passive or active help of others I can work through this. Will probably take some time, months, years, who knows. But I know it is worth it. I have so many things to process, finally understand to the core and also see it from the bright side.

I mean thinking about mental illness or any other illness in a positive way could be misleading. What I mean is, that I after fighting it through or while still in it, I can understand more and more people. I can help more people and also do so much more because I know what I went through and survived. So the problems are still bad, the illness is still not funny, it is horrible. But it also teaches and also helps, when it is over. But while in it, it is like hell sometimes. So don’t think it is good to have an illness. It never is, but sometimes it can lead to something good afterwards or while working on it.

For a long time I thought, well I am not sick, I have no serious problems, while I successfully suppressed the memories about them and also “forgot” some things – put them into some caves and cages.

So while I often thought, look other people are like this, so if they are okay and people are okay with it, maybe you are okay as well. And on other days I thought “Okay I am probably a perverted serial killer at some point” or maybe “I will end up as the worst I can imagine” and I guess I wasn’t to wrong about the last one, would I have continued like it did for over a decade, actually since elementary school.

I often thought that my problems are more or less normal because from what I heard from others or had seen, or thought to be normal.

“Normal” or average, was always something strange for me. At first I thought that I was normal and everyone was like me in some way. Then I figured out I was different in some way. Then others figured out as well and then I started to become “normal”, as if that is something you want to be like. For me being normal wasn’t what you might think and what normal means for me now. Back then normal was something like hiding problems away. Telling bad things about others or making fun of them, while maybe having the same problems. And also to work in a job, to do thinks you shouldn’t do, like smoking or drinking under age etc.

These were things I considered as normal for other people. I tried alcohol when I was still in elementary school I guess, but I immediately spit it out. I tried a drop of beer, a drop of some wine or something. And it all tasted disgusting. I never smoked myself, but passively smoked often because I like the taste of smoke. Not all smoke, for example candle smoke or some chemical smokes. But yeah, I would be a smoker, when I wouldn’t have signed a mind contract with myself that age. I just knew alcohol isn’t for me and cigarettes (or similar things) would get me addicted. I knew that when I was in elementary school or at least early secondary school for sure.

I still went outside with people who were smoking sometimes, but it wasn’t a harmful or forced thing. I just sometimes wanted to talk with them and since the smoke was no problem, it was no problem. I never developed a smoking addiction and never tried a cigarette, as far as I remember so to say. But this was one of the good things I did and which worked because I just set this as a standard in a very young age.

Without some of these “contracts” I would have way more problems by now (as if I don’t already have enough) and probably won’t be alive for some years now. Also due to other things, but still it was important for me. I still like the taste / smell of some smokes, but it is just a thing which probably will always be this way, but I have never had the need for it. Just when it is there, I kind of enjoy it or just experience it. But when there isn’t I don’t need it.

Back to actual problems and not avoided ones. When I watch porn or when I did other “stupid” things or just things which were either bad for me or others, I always decided, but it wasn’t a decision on the other hand. Now it is more a decision than before, but it depends on how you see decisions or the meaning of it. For me a decision is, when you have a clear mind, or at least aren’t under some influence (substances, serious illness, …) and you can choose between at least two options.

But if the only option which makes sense is bad for you or others, it can’t be a decision, right? Well it can, but it depends. So for example, if you are clear in mind (whatever this means for you) and you get into a situation, where you could save someone, but you would probably die. You have to decide and it is a decision. And it is bad either way, while the decision to help would probably be the better one.

What I want to say is. When you have voice in your head or something like that, which for example says something like: “Kill yourself” over and over again and then you might attempt a suicide, would this count as a decision or some kind of self-brainwashing caused by other problems like mental illness and or maybe people who don’t understand and say bad things? For me this is no decision because it is nothing you would do with a clear and healthy mind.

So while a mistake repeated over and over again, might be seen as a decision from the outside and depending on the mistake, maybe is a decision, it maybe isn’t a real decision after all.

If you have a different perspective, for you the meaning of decision could be clear to the point, so that everything we could do better, but still do wrong is a decision for the bad. And I understand that. I could also agree and did while I was in my broken state of mind all these years. I thought it all was my fault anyways and I choose to be like this. While deep down I knew it wasn’t, not all of it. But what was a decision, was to support my mental illness and problems at first. Because I wanted to die in the end anyways and wanted to get into a “You will die either way now, there is no hope and you will die soon” situation. And I got there in some way, but now I don’t want it anymore. This support was based on my views I had back then, from which some already were broken.

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