Day 69 (early afternoon)

Yesterday I also had a dream which was realistic in some way or at least expressing feelings and thoughts I currently have, maybe some would be unnoticed otherwise.

(Dream log)

(First dream sequence – yesterday)

I was walking down a road in some park I think. All looked foreign to me, but in the dream it was as if I would live there. I had to get somewhere and it played in current times. Then I reached a football field (soccer with round ball). To my surprise people were playing a game with others watching as if there were no virus. I had to cross the field to get where I was headed, but it seemed impossible. So I tried to move there without getting in touch with people playing, but they were just running all around me playing their game.

I told, back off, but they didn’t listen, maybe even made fun of me. Somehow I reached the end of the field. There was a big metal fence, maybe 2-3m high. I had to climb over it to get where I had / wanted to go.

(Second dream sequence – yesterday)

I was talking to some people, most of them looked female. I was telling them what I dreamed before (first dream sequence) and they were partially listening, but also probably laughed about it a little. Not taking it serious maybe?

(Third dream sequence – yesterday)

I was still in my (foreign) home area, this time talking to some people from the town hall I guess. It was about an old building, maybe a castle or church, or just old statues. A man was talking about how they planned to do it now, but because of the crisis it will probably have to wait some weeks. I thought “Probably some very long ‘few’ weeks”. And at one point I probably just left them and walked again alone.

(Dream log today)

Today I can only remember the last dream sequence.

I was in secondary school again, it seemed. But the teacher was from a later school, actually a teacher which were nice most of the time. I had to do something and later we should tell our results (usual school situation).

I probably wasn’t too focused on my work because I was bored and frustrated. After some time I noticed that the teacher was calling my name. And he wasn’t nice. Then I tried to explain, that I didn’t hear him. I meant not in an acoustic way, but in the brain. He probably thought I meant acoustic because he responded with something about how loud he should talk, so I would hear. He clearly didn’t understand. Others in the class started to laugh and I was where I often was, when I tried to explain myself.

Then I noticed a word written on the green board in front of me.

“Arbeitersex” (in english “worker sex”

And I didn’t understand why or what this all was about. It wasn’t funny for me nor logically. It was just there and I felt deeply hurt by the words the teacher said and ignored my trial to explain and all the laughter.

Then I woke up and first had to “re-calibrate”. After a minute the feeling slowly left me and I could see the value of the dream. It was a lesson, a therapy session in the way of confronting me with my fears and past.

Then it felt good. I failed this lesson, but only to learn for the next one. While I tried it the old way because all felt like the old way, I now know that I have to be better than the “old way” and I am. I just have to realize the situation as “just” a situation and not reality in the old way of thinking. So next time I may fail again, but each time I will get stronger, learn the pattern and figure it out, how to get what I already know into practical use.

Some of it already happened and happens. But it has to be always, to be truly whole and working.

Yesterday and the day before I also felt as if The last of us and Half life: Alyx where what I dreamed about, maybe missing something. But it was the same feeling. And it is as if I misinterpret some things in my dream or the actual things are shown different in a visual spectrum. So not all is literal or how it seems. But it is about the feeling, the message behind it. It is like describing what you didn’t see before or no one described before you. How should you know? You may use wrong words or strange words, but you mean the right thing. You just don’t know how to tell, so you try it somehow before you don’t do it at all.

It depends on who you are telling, why and when. Because I often tried to explain myself to others until I gave up because they didn’t understand seen from their actions and words. But it just wasn’t the right time. And it just mattered how I felt and thought for myself. Instead I broke because I thought I was wrong or broken in the first place, while it was the other way around.

Now I know, that words won’t help when trying to explain. (They sure do because I am writing, but words alone won’t.) I had to find a different way. And now I found it or I should better say, it found me. Still there is room for misunderstanding and I also don’t know everything because that is impossible for one’s brain. Still I might understand more than many people or just in a way they won’t be able to see it. So I am trying to show what I see, what I feel and think. It is not about my problems, but about my gifts, about how magical and logical things are for me in the same way. So wonderful and painful, yet good in some way. Now again, after a long time of being twisted, broken.

This gave me the chills in a good way. It had so many things I know, I feel altogether. Words can’t describe it and the song actually shows it.

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