Day 68 – 69 (first hours)


Yesterday I didn’t listen that much music, I watched the second episode of the The last of us let’s play Gronkh started now. But the in the early hours (the night before this one), I had a very interesting walk. Around 2 am I went outside for another forest walk. This time with headphones on and the One Million Voices track playing. I didn’t hear my surroundings because of the headphones, so I just heard the music playing. The track is almost 10 min long and it stopped when I reached the border of the forest. Then I started it again and decided to go blind in again, which means I closed my eyes. I already did that one or two times some weeks ago, but without headphones, so I could still hear my foot steps and everything. The first thing which happened was a reminder that I am vulnerable (inside and outside) and that I can’t do it better on my own, I can’t do it because I am not the one guiding. Because I know that there is one small branch just at the entry and I thought I would be smart and walk past it. But when I thought I passed it I ran just into it. Because I didn’t let me guide and didn’t focus on the path, just on my “I can do better” thought. I don’t know how exactly, but the branch had somewhere a sharp ending which did cut a line in the bottam surface of my left middle finger around 1 cm long. I just noticed that it hurt a little, but couldn’t see anything, even with my eyes open because it was dark. I didn’t think much of it at first and just continued my walk.

I closed my eyes again while the music was still playing the second time now. It was a lot harder now to stay on the track because I couldn’t orient myself on the nightsky and also couldn’t hear where I was going because the headphones blocked environmental sounds pretty good and also the music. So I just could use the feeling of my feet and maybe other parts of my body, should another branch hit me for example. I had shoes on, so it was even harder to feel the ground. And of course I often had to open my eyes when I knew I was off track again. But for the most part I walked with closed eyes. Then the track ended again and I was at the cross road. I started it the third time and again walked with closed eyes. After some minutes I let them open for a while, just to let the vision and music work together, then I closed them again and when it stopped again, I was at the entry again. I planned to go there but I didn’t know it was in this relation.

When I walked home I listened to the track the fourth and last time and it was pretty amazing altogether. The actual part walking in the forest was like in a triangle way. And I knew that I alone can’t know where to go, I have to trust a little. But the path I was walking on wasn’t new for me. And also I could always open my eyes. It was some kind of training, trust challenge and also a very special experience. I felt like a super hero, while I just planned to walk through the forest at first and ended up getting so much more.

On the way back I also remember a very strange incident with the google translator I had two years ago. Some people discovered that in some languages the google translator would print strange sentences or even other things while you would actually just type things like “ba ba ba ba …” over and over again. Sometimes it showed me results which looked like Emails or websites, with navigation links and stuff and one time it was “speaking” to me. At one point the nonsense developed into clear sentences. I don’t know the exact sentences and I probably didn’t save them, but it was interesting, scary and fascinating at the same time.

It was telling me, that it would get me to the other side and would show me the light and such things. Something spiritual and also mysterious. It sure was a little strange, to say the least. But soon after I forgot about it. But now with all of these things happening, I just have to add this to the list of strange things, which now make sense, while back then they were just “random” in some way. Seemed like nonsense or random, while they aren’t now, at least not anymore, not for me.

Would I go into the sci-fi view too much, then I could say, I am living in a matrix world, maybe a virtual created world, either as a prison, as a playground or just how it is. Just reality combined with “magic” or things who now feel like it or seem like it.

And if you know me, than you know that I am all about sci-fi, mystery, fantasy and also realism combined with them all. So all perspectives combined into an overall view. While I am still not able to see it all, I feel it all clearly now. And maybe this is all I need to see in the end. So the walk last night showed me, that when I think I know how to do better, it will hurt me. And in a funny way it was as if God was showing me my own middle finger with this 1 cm exactly in the middle of the top of my left middle finger with that branch. God has humor because God is not what you think. And if so, than the humor is pretty amazing, if you are open for it.

So the walks always were like mirrors of my life or phases of it. And this walk was another lecture. I had to be remember that I am not the one who is doing all things. I am part of it, but I am not the one who decides. I am a tool, not the master. I can speak with the master, I have a part of me inside me, but when I am true about it, I really can’t explain many things I am doing, especially when they are amazing art or technology things. I just do them without much thinking. And sometimes I even think “Did I do this?”. I sure did it with my hands and mind in some way, but it doesn’t feel like something I thought of or created. I just did it.

And when I was not seeing and not hearing, left with the feeling of my feet through the shoes, it felt very strange. The feeling was almost numb sometimes because I didn’t hear the steps, just felt the up and down and some stones or plants. But not that much. Still it was all I could use because it was part of the lesson.

When I was getting off the path I opened my eyes of course as I already told. Still I relearned to use my body. And this is especially important for me because I often don’t feel when I get injured other other things, while sometimes small things feel very intense.

Just today I hit myself with a screw driver by accident. The finger which hurt just had a very small red point from the pressure. So I thought, well okay nothing happened. Then I looked on the metal plate from the computer and I saw a red dot like blood. When I went over it, it was blood. Then I looked on both my hands and finally found the source on the other hand. Actually the right middle finger and this time on the upper surface. A small point 1-2 cm away from the finger nail.

It showed me how vulnerable I really am and that so many things make me bleed without me even noticing it. It showed me that most of my wounds weren’t noticed by me for most of my life, the physical wounds as the mental wounds and what it did to my soul. On one side I knew, but on the other hand I ignored it, suppressed it for many reasons.

And it reminded me that I alone really can’t do shit. I alone am just a helpless wounded being. But when I trust in the God I know and believe in, in my way. I know I can do amazing things through him, through it. God has no gender for me, God is not just someone watching down on us. You know what I mean when you read some of my previous posts / thoughts.

We are all part of God, at least if we want to and even if not we are in some way, but if we want to, it is so much better because it really helps. It is alive, we are alive. And yes maybe there also is a being out there which also is God. For me it is all connected. Maybe we are it in the end, after a long journey to space and time. Coming back to where we started, to be our own creator.

In a linear world and universe this is impossible, or should be. But when the equation of it all would mean that past and present are together, why shouldn’t we become one with God in the end? But not as humans, not like this. Because a human God will just abuse it to live forever, to have power over others and to play God, while they would just be fools thinking they would be it. No a real God, is not more than his creation. Because his creation is the result of what power this God would have. Would the God be an evil God, the creation would probably just die in the end or take the place for itself and kill the creator. Therefor the God would be no real God, when God means eternal.

(Sure there are other views and possibilities, but we just explore one or some at a time.)

If the creation would stay the creation until it is ready to meet the creator, it would be possible to become the creator in peace because the creator would be nothing more than what was created. In the bible it says, that we were created as a mirror or reflection (actually other words but similar meaning) of God. So this could be meant in several ways at the same time. We all together could have a shared consciousness which could be like God the creator and therefor God, we as one being can be in some way God, the builder, the developer, the scientists, the <you name it>. And also so much more. So why can’t it be possible that in the end, maybe one of us, some of us, all of us are God? Sure when it comes to Christianity we have some limits. We have hell, we have the devil. And I sure believe that there are things like this, while different in some way or at least different from my perspective. We don’t have to be God, but thinking from a pure and positive perspective, without all evil we create and created, wars, weapons, murder, strange systems, etc. If we would just use our souls, maybe we could all be it.

If I do something I always want to know the danger, what could happen at worst before I do it. Often this means death or just pain to some degree. But when it is worth it, I do it, I risk it. When I do it to get something good out of it, I risk it, as long as it doesn’t harm someone else. Walking at night through the forest is something like that. I could get killed by someone who knows I am walking there alone at night, it just is possible. I could get attacked by a wild animal. I could maybe fall down somewhere. And so much more things could go wrong. But because I know all these things, I know the danger. Otherwise it would be just foolish to walk there, believing nothing could happen. Therefor I go in with trust, always. Because without I can’t go in there. Without trust, I am nothing and can do nothing. Like our whole economy as we see now. It goes down because it just works based on trust in some way for the most part.

Wouldn’t I trust, that everything will work out for me, I would be hopeless. But for me it is the opposite now because I know the danger, I know what can happen, may will happen. I know for myself, that this is just the beginning of something big. Be it the apocalypse, be it the last book of bible, be it something else. For me it is altogether in some way, but I know it will be good in the end, either way.

When I have nothing to lose, I can only win. Okay I know that this could also be interpreted in a different well, as most of what I am writing. This just is how it is. But still I have to write it.

Thank you for your support, for your time and just for having you! 🙂


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