Day 67 (till afternoon)

When I listen to this while in this morning (before I went to sleep), I just had to listen to it at least three or four times. One Million Voices is one of the best tracks I have heard so far. I think I may have heard it before, but not in a long time if even. It just hit me with all these good images in my head and the overall feeling of connection and love. My heart even started to beat way faster than usual, almost worried it might could beat too fast.

Music doesn’t lie, it just is how it is. Only words and reactions, people can lie, but music is always honest, even if there is a lie within it.

(Dream log)

I don’t write down every dream I have, while I actually would want to. But now I thought it is time again.

First I will write about dreams I had the night before.

(First dream sequences)

I also had one sequence about secondary school time again. But I don’t really remember much.

(Second sequence)

I was in a VR game, but again it was like real world for me, although I knew it was just a game. And I was talking with someone else playing with me. We looked at the map and how it changed. It was some kind of big hall. There were some shelfs in one corner, but they were all empty or at least looked empty. We said that before there were many things on them (maybe even magic poitions). And it was a nostalgic feeling playing the game, going in other levels. One was with some enemies in a basement kind of scene with a big statue (maybe an ape or something). It was a mixture of an adventure game, just a playground and also a little realistic in some parts. I don’t remember all details, but it was as if we knew the game for many years and just revisited it after a long time. (But of course it just was all in the dream)

(Third dream sequence)

I lying in a bed, it seemed to be mine in the dream, but I don’t recognize it. The room was dark and I just listened to a creepy pasta / story on my smartphone. It was about a woman I knew – but just in the dream. There probably also happened more before the bed scene, but I just remember this. In the story she was dead for some reason, but even after her dead she helped someone she knew with something. (Forgot the details, sorry.) Then after I finished listening to it, I thought, luckily it is just a story and she is still alive. Then I looked into my messages and I found one which said, that she just died this night. And then it was as if the story I just heard got fullfilled. What was a story first, was reality later. And I was the one she helped or wanted to help. At least as far as I remember.

(Fourth dream sequence)

I was in some kind of university not far from where I live, at least it seemed this way. And there was a big entry hall way with a lot of glass and a starway in the middle to the upper floors. One man, maybe a professor or director etc. welcomed me and my mother and she asked him about someone, but he didn’t seem to know the person and then she said that she may had mixed something. Later I was in a scene where I was in a room with a young woman maybe aroumd my age. We both were pretty happy talking together about all different kind of things, physics, believes, just everything it seemed. But I just remember that she had bright hair, maybe blond.


(First sequence)

I was going to some christian even with my trusted cousin. We both were unsure about it, but I got probably invited by and old friend of mine, I didn’t see in some years.

First we were outside it seemed, where some people were waiting or just talking. Then we went inside a big hall, like an old industry hall. Inside were some colored lights and music playing. There were also a lot of people inside and then I saw my old friend. But he seemed way bigger than he actually is, like 2,1m maybe. When he noticed me he was very happy and hugged me while holding me over ground because he was so big and strong it seemed. It felt strange because it was so sureal, but also good on the other hand.

Then we probably listend to some music and talked (I am not sure).

Later we got into a nearby house with a lot of rooms to sleep. I got into one of them and fell asleep. Then I had a dream (dream in the dream).

(Dream-in-dream sequence / Second dream sequence?)

I am not sure about the order, but I think it was this way, if not still interesting.

I was in an old looking building, maybe early 20th century or late 19th century. But it had modern lights, so it played in current times. I entered a room which wasn’t too big, but still big enough for two busses I guess. The walls had wood on top of them in the corners at least. Bright wood, bright brown looking. There were some tables and chairs in the middle, so probably a room for meetings or eating together.

Then there was a zombie walking towards me, but it looked a little strange (obviously, it is a zombie), no I mean not too real, like a game character. I somehow had a knife and tried to kill it and I am not sure about it, but then it was gone after a while. I either killed it or someone else. Then there was a toilet room next to the room and in there was another one I think. I am also not sure whether I was alone or not at first, but then there were some other people with guns. They seemed like bandits. I somehow could convince them to join me / us and they didn’t do anything. Later there came more and more people into this room. Some of them were people I knew in real life, some of them were movie characters from recent series I watched, or maybe the actors themselves, I am not sure. And with more people the discussions got louder and people started to shout at each other to a point where I just had enough. Then I woke up – still in the other dream.

(Back in the big house / Third dream sequence?)

The room was not too bright, but from outside of the room was lighting shining in and maybe a small light was also in my room. Then I heard people talking and walking outside in the stairways or hallway.

They started to way up the other people and I first tried to be as if I was still sleeping, but when one of them, a young man, entered the room, he soon found out that I was just pretending to sleep and laughed in a nice way.

He told me, that I was the first / the one for todays something (don’t remember, but something special). And I didn’t really understand what he meant. But soon the others entered the room, children, teenager, people my age and also some older people, maybe a pastor. All while I was still in this bed with blankets half open.

Then the guy who either was a pastor or at least the oldest one in the room (maybe 40-50 years old), got a book out. I don’t know whether it was a bible or something else. He started to read some phrases and it was as if it was meant for me. I was still confused, not knowing what it all was about, but it was good in some way, I just felt as if I was in the wrong place, while they thought it was alright. After he was finished some people left the room because it was over, but then my cousin either entered the room or I noticed him just then. And I opened my blankets and showed him and the others who still were in the room, how my toes were looking.

(They actually look not too good in reality, but it was worse in the dream.)

The worst toe, the second toe on the left foot, going from right to left, was getting a little dark, like purple or black and was also partially white and red. Looked really strange. And I told them, that it wasn’t doing well in a long time. They were all worried of course.

I don’t remember what happened then, if something more happened. And that was it, at least from what I remembered.

(Dream log over)

When I showered today I thought about some series I watched some years before the major changes. And how I felt about them. For example the series “Der Nebel” / “The Mist” on Netflix. While watching I felt partially like the girl, but also like her best friend. And in the end I thought, that I might be like him, thinking I was different than others, while I was worse. Or maybe that I will just end like the one guy with the horses. Who knows, I thought. But now I see it from another perspecitve. Almost everything I watched, read, listened to in the past, had a message just for me. And my soul and better part, understood it, noticed it, while I often ignored it or thought it would be just negative because it can’t be good (view the world and other people taught me).

I then realized that the game Beyond: Two Souls was more my story than just a story. And I realized that I indeed was both of them, the girls and her best friend. But while I thought that I could only be the negative part, I was actually the good part. I hope I didn’t spoiler anything. If so I am sorry. I am just processing things…

And there are also many other examples, some of them were already mentioned. But for me everything other, everything new has value to me, no matter the original intention or whether it might be good or bad at first. I always see something good in it, when I am true to myself, with my true soul. And on the other hand I could also have two souls, you never know. But it doesn’t matter that much to me right now. Because for me this now is something good.

The perspective makes the difference. And while I naturally saw all the good things and just couldn’t hold myself to learn new things as a child, I soon got taughed differently, by people, by situations and just life in general. So I broke over time. I never lost my soul, never lost hope, I recieved all, but for the most part I was hopeless and couldn’t appreciate the good things. Or if so, they soon turned into something bad or were just too short.

Still my soul got the good things, but couldn’t tell me because I didn’t listen, even tortured her.

Then after I finished my shower I had an imge in my head from my current mindset, based on previous “images” / descriptions of how I felt.

An description of how I feel inside my head right now:

While at some points there was war in my head, at some points an evil commander got the upper hand, worshiping all evil, while my soul was hiding. I now had a totally different image.

You must know for me the commander was like some kind of Hitler or Stalin, killing all enemies, doing horrible things etc.

So now the war was finally coming to an end. The evil commander and his troops lost the fight. Some did ran away, some killed themselves and the rest was standing around or hiding, not knowing what would happen. Then the other parties, the tortured ones, the lost ones, the ones thought to be dead, lead by her, the soul, walked through the bombed streets. They were filled with love and all gray and broken, turned into light and colors.

When some of the left regime soldiers saw them, they also killed them or ran away, but some just stood there. Awaiting their death. But instead the good parties started to hug the ones who stayed. Smiled towards them and they all started to cry and weep together. Some fell on their needs in deep regret, some laughed and cried. The war was finally over.

Then the true leader, the soul, she searched for the evil commander. He was hiding in his bunker or some dark house. When she opened the door, he was talking to himself, thinking about killing himself and also angry about it all. Almost insanely acting. Then he noticed her and thought, now she would finally kill him, but instead she also just moved her arms around him, while he was just standing there like a statue with his dark clothes and confused face. Then some tears dropped down his face. The war was finally over.

Man… I started to weep after half of the time I wrote this because it felt so good and full of love. I know it is a strange story, but this is how I saw it, how I felt it.

You also should know that before I went showering I talked with my mother about some things and also played the One Million Voices track. At first it all was good, but when I started to explain the channel name (Two Steps From Hell) she changed a little and she also had to make a call because of work and then the situation got unease to a point where we started to fight each other with words because of some words about something else. In the end I went into my room, into my bed and she went doing what I should do and wanted to do, but because of the conflict she just did it – cleaning the floor with a vacuum cleaner, while I actually wanted to do it anyways.

I thought, well shit here we go again, while I actually was just down again and she as well because of nothing you could say. I had some thoughts and reminded me of what I achieved so far and at one point I got out of the bed towards my mother. She was still talking to herself all kinds of negative things, she thought and others said and then I just hugged her and she started to cry and then we both reminded ourselves, that we are both just broken and deeply wounded and we shouldn’t fight each other.

After we both got in some way stable again, I got into the shower.

I did what I wanted to do and what was the right thing to do in this situation, while normally I would have just laid in bed for a while until I would try to cheer myself up a little or distrect, what I did in the past.

But I knew I am better than this now and I am stronger.

When I was talking about politics and believes with a classmate / friend while in professional school, I told him that I would see myself on the very left. Not in a way like others who throw stones, scream or wire themselves on rail roads, but still there in a good and open way. And I still see myself there. Now even more. But I am distancing myself from politics here because these things aren’t for me. At least not in the way they are and were for the most time. Just in general I am a very open soul and while I first learned how others thought and started to act and think the same way – at least tried to, I always thought different on the second thread. It just felt wrong, but I thought it had to be this way and sometimes I even thought it was right, when I believed the lies or what others said. Inside I always felt different, but it was a hard time. At least now it is over. Finally.

When I told him about my liberal perspectives I also said, that when it comes to christian things I might be on of the middle people. But now I know that I am far from it because while I was probably for a long time, I am not anymore and was never meant to be because I am actually on the good side. But because I was on either side before because I thought either side was wrong, I said and was like this. But inside I always knew I was and wanted to be on the good side, while more me what “good” means changed because I really realized again what my soul knew all the time and what I knew when I was a child, before all this mess started.

And it is not about religion, about one way of believe, just being good and open in a way. Difficult to understand for other, I know, but I am better with other things than words. Still I try to find words to describe these things, which makes me write a whole story, description or “image” as I call it sometimes. Words can’t always describe what I mean. And words often have a different meaning for me than for others. Even simple ones sometimes. And I am sick of thinking in two ways… My way is enough because now my way is to understand everything again and therefor I don’t have to fake, don’t have to think in separate threads or ways because it is all one thing again.

Still sometimes, like today, I fall down in some way. But now I have something to hold on, to get up again and build upon. Not an abyss, but like painting an oil painting. While a part of me knows how it should and will look, I still have to figure it out and paint it along the way.

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