Day 66 (afternoon)

When you know what is inside you, around you and can happen through you and with you. How should you let the fear take control? And still it happens from time to time it seems. But at least now I know more than ever that what I believed as a kid was not wrong but right. What I felt was right because only the world made it a problem. Only others who didn’t understand, only me who thought they were right.

And in the end, I now know that what is within me, my soul, is pure and full of love, of life and peace. Nothing bad comes from it, nothing bad.

Only my thoughts and what others may do can be bad, because my brain tried to be like them, while my soul refused until it almost got lost forever. In a big battle when it was literally about death or life, my soul won and God smiled.

Dark times can shape the mind and harm the soul. But they also teach us. At first they only harm us, they break us and we see no light. We see nothing but pain, suffering, depression and even suicide as the only way out, maybe even switching to the evil side because we could think we are already part of it.

When you are depressed, there often is not much others can do because it isn’t always about motivation, but deep pain. But others can just be there, we can be there for others. Often the presence and just the caring without words is worth much more than intelligent phrases. Words aren’t all.

You need to feel it, you need to feel something good, or just something at all, even if it should be the pain, so you know you are still alive.

Sometimes this results in self-harm or even harming others, while the problem is somewhere else, deep down in your heart and it is your soul which is hurt and wants help.

Often we ourselves can’t do much ourselves to get out of our misery. And if we try to and think we can, we often fall back down even harder. But this doesn’t mean that we can’t do shit. We can do a lot, but when we really understand how things work or can work, not what others tell us, then we know that we aren’t alone. But it is about feeling it and not thinking it. When I read “You are not alone.” My brain thought: “Sure, but still others seem to be different and also maybe I should be alone.” But in the end it wasn’t about alone or not alone in a physical or mental way, but I just didn’t feel alone anymore. Especially when I was alone physical. I feel whole now during my nightly forest walks.

Just some months ago, this wasn’t possible. But I first had to go through all of my past, all my problems and almost take my own life because of it, to see what is beneath all that, my soul.

Your path is different and noone has to fight alone. You may be alone, but you don’t have to feel alone.

The same way you can feel alone with other people around you, you can feel connected and not alone, while you are actually alone.

When you are connected in a different way and over all whole for the most part, you are not alone, no matter how far away you are from everyone else. No matter how hard the times are, was or will become, you aren’t feeling alone. And for me this is a huge difference because the words “You are not alone” were just dead for me. But feeling it, was way different.

Your feelings are important, don’t ignore them. There is a difference between feelings and intuition, but for me it is hard to explain, so I sometimes say, trust your feelings because for me intuition is also a feeling (in my minds structure and how I understand it with words and patterns). But actually there is a difference and I know there is. But for me there is something like a good feeling about what comes from my gut / intution.

So when it tells me something is wrong, I have a bad feeling, but this feeling feels right, while sometimes I had a feeling to watch porn for example, but then it is a different feeling because the intuition / the soul / the gut, sends a clear no (at least for me personally), while the other feeling (caused by the brain) tries to tell it is good. And while this was and is a whole story on its own, you first have to listen to feelings at all or to the emptiness without them to just get in touch with them. Then you can understand them after a while and see the difference between what is a feeling you should trust and what is feeling caused by strange or bad thoughts or damaged parts of your brain (trauma, depression, mental illness, etc.) for example.

Sometimes it seems to be the best to ignore feelings to not get hurt and maybe it is the right thing to do at the point when this is the case. Everyone is on a different state of mind, spiritual level and what else. We are all different in some way. What helps one, can harm another.

Therefor it is important to get to know your feelings, and in general what is inside you. What the voices in your head mean, or why you don’t hear anything at all. Why there are overwhelming feelings or just a dead empty box, like a robot.

We all need to fall to stand up the right way. Sometimes we are free falling for years on just standing at the bottom of a dark hole, maybe in a black hole. For years or decades even. When we are in it, it is hard to see a way out. We try at first or maybe at some points, but it doesn’t seem to get any better.

I had many different ways to explain my situation, but still it didn’t help me to get out of it. But it was good to have it on the other side, so I can “review” it now.

One was like an abyss. I was on a small ledge on one of the walls of the abyss. The top was far ahead and beneath me was the big dark hole. Sometimes I could see the bottom, sometimes I couldn’t. The ledge was just big enough to stand on while sometimes it was even smaller at times, so I had to press myself against to wall to not fall.

I also tried to climb up the wall many times, but then I always fell down on this ledge again. Each time the ledge got weaker and I didn’t want it to break so I decided to climb less and then I stopped almost.

Now after all what happened, I guess the ledge did break in December. But after I fell down on the ground of the abyss I found some water, some plants to eat. And while I was badly injured from the fall, I was happy because I survived it and even found something good down there, while all I saw before was darkness and stones, monsters and pain. And now darkness is not a problem for me because I know, what is within it can be good or bad, but darkness itself is just the abscence of light. Nothing evil, nothing good, just no light. So nothing to fear, while there still could be something coming out of it which you should fear.

I still have fear when I walk towards the dark forest, I think always. But it is way different from the fear I had before. Before I had times where I couldn’t sleep in my bed without lights on because I was so scared of the darkness. And now it is just that I still have images or thoughts running through my inner eye / mind sometimes, but I give it love and I say to these thoughts and images “whatever happens, happens.” but without words, I just feel it. It is strange I know and difficult to understand I suppose, but I mean, some people with autism can’t tell others at all. And while noone told me that I have autism because I masked myself, for myself I found out that it might be possible at one point.

One of my cousins has autism to a point where he needs some help and has trouble having real conversations, he sometimes does weird things, but he has a good heart. And through the time talking to him and trying to understand him some years ago, I started to ask myself, am I maybe more similar to him than I thought and others thought? Noone expected me to be autistic, not even I at first because I thought I had to be like others and others are like me, I just am to stupid to realize it. While in the end I was indeed way different and I knew it when I was in elementary school, but because of what other people said, I thought I wasn’t different, in a good way, just stupid or strange, but what was normal, wasn’t normal for me.

For a good reason, I now know. But just four months ago, I thought that it all was just bad and that I just had to finally leave this world to make and end to all the problems I have and caused because of my strangeness.

Now I found out that most things inside me are more related to female diagnose, behaviour, feelings etc. And since I was a kid I felt both things, male and female. But because I thought it was wrong by observing others and also got told it was wrong or bullied for acting strange, I more and more tried to hide it or fight it, to a point where I even forgot about it, except for some rare moments. I told myself lies, others lies because I thought this is how it works or how I have to be, so they can live, while I am lost anyways.

Now I see that it wasn’t a problem but a gift, while it was horror for most of my life, now I know it is good and now I can fully use it for good. I can understand everyone, while my minds sometimes doesn’t or can’t find the right words, my soul just knows. Sometimes I am not sure whether I have two souls, but at least now it all feels good and right.

For myself I am both now. Each side has something good, while the female side is my prior me and for me my actual soul, just pure and good, my male side is more the brain and body. But still it could be a little different as well. And in the end for me my soul has no gender, it just is open and kind.

And I also found out how I had natural “talents” or gifts I always had, but most of the time never used because I couldn’t.

I first started to play some kind of piano organ thing at the grandparents house from my mothers side when I was around 2 or 3 years old. And also the following years at other places where I found a piano. But because I played my own kind of music, which just happened people didn’t understand and thouht I was just hitting random notes, which I actually did, but just in the context of the actual sound others heard. So at one point when I was in elementary school already (at least I think), one of my aunts bought me an electrical child piano thingy. But I guess I just tried it out and then never really used it again, I just heard that the notes weren’t the same and it just wasn’t real. It sure had tones, but they were cheap. I never got a real piano and the old keyboard my father had broke at one point, not long after I found out that he had it.

Becaues of these things and also because others sometimes got annoyed by what I played, I stopped more and more until I cam to a point where I just didn’t want and try it at all. I thought I couldn’t play and that I am just stupid and really just hitting random notes.

Now that I do what I did when I was 2 or 3 years old (because really it is not much difference, just the age, but what I am doing is the same) and what in the end comes out, I just feel amazed myself. The problem was, that back then I wasn’t able to transform the directly played audio the same way I can do now through some software. And I actually just play on my computer with a virtual keyboard software now because I still have no real piano or keyboard. Maybe one day. And still when someone would just hear what I directly play they probably would be annoyed, even I myself sometimes think “this is way off”, but in the end after making it slower, adding some other effects, it just is so fascinating to listen to, that I sometimes just have to play it on repeat.

Maybe my subconsciousness always heard the music in the transformed way, why it made sense to it, while from a “normal” point of view it was just random without a melody or logic. A clear point for autism, but as I said, I didn’t know and even when I thought about it wasn’t sure until now. So I was left with intelligence in some way, but stupidity from the outside.

Also people thought I might be gay or might be this or that because of my behaviour, while all I was, was different then them, way different in many ways. For me it is that I now can love everyone for their soul. I don’t see it as a sexual orientation or want myself to be labeled or tagged with such things. I could say I am bi, I could say I am trans, I could say I am whatever other name people came up with. But for me this doesn’t matter, while for you it might and for you it might give you power because then you finally know where you are. For me these things weren’t important. I had more trouble with words and meanings than that they helped me to understand. Feelings helped me to understand or just open learned without a strict plan or way of doing so, just doing it in some way and in the end I understood or just knew how it worked or was to some point.

I have to add, that I was never diagnosed for anything and I alwasy tried to diagnose or just understand myself with possible diagnoses / descriptions of what I was, who I was, when I was really looking inside me, not what others thought or saw. And for me most of these were right, except for the part with the monster because while it was right, when I would have continued, I wasn’t meant to be a monster. So I was even right with this, just not as a final statement, just a description of the moment. Therefor I see diagnoses as current descriptions of the state of mind you are in or maybe the current state of your body, etc. But nothing solid, nothing which will be forever, especially when doctors think or say it is. They no shit. Don’t get this wrong, there are doctors, therapists and other people who really want to understand, help and can, but there are also way too many who just do it as a job and don’t really try to think out of the box or really interact with the patients.

There are so many examples of people who got told they would die because of cancer, no chances, but they didn’t or people who got told, they will stay crazy for the rest of their life, but they didn’t and so on. Sometimes the diagnose was wrong, sometimes the people found actual help somewhere else, through something else or someone. One of my uncles once had cancer and doctors said he would die in a couple of weeks. But now he is still alive. He sure went through a lot and also got other cancer again, but he still lives to this day, while doctors thought he would die more than one time. (The first cancer was when I was just some years old.)

Now I am in my early 20s, a young man who is far from what the usual young man this age is. Often not even a man at all. And now I can finally feel good about it because I know it is alright the way it is. Because I was meant this way. I had to go through all this pain to get where I am now.

Otherwise I sure could have had a better life (maybe even worse), but I wouldn’t be able to see the world in the same way, I guess.

I just have answers for myself and those of you who maybe find parts of them within them. But again, I am no doctor, nothing when it comes to degrees, papers or such. Still I thought, I had to do this, had to share my thoughts and feelings.

I know sometimes it was strange, some of it is disgusting even. But it had to come out. I am not perfect, you are not perfect. But we shouldn’t let us drag down because of it, but see the actual light within it.

If you understand Jesus and God in the same way I see it now, you would probably just hug me and cry with me, laugh with me and without words just know and see. For me Jesus is a master. For me he did what not many could so far, while some would be able to, but broke because the weight of the world was too strong. For me he was one of us, even if you don’t believe he was real, the story still is amazing. For me he is alive, for as a kid it felt real, while most of what I saw in church or by looking at the people around me wasn’t. I separated religion and believe. I just believed in my own way. And for me God was something bigger and majestic, but yet different from what people told me. I sure adapted to it after some time, but I always felt strange doing so.

Now I see God as the universal consciousness connecting us all. And while there is the good side being God, there is also the bad side being evil (call it the devil). And on the other hand they can also exist as beings on the same time. I don’t exclude but expand. I don’t call evil good and good evil, but I see the truth behind things. I sure can’t see all because I am not able to, so forgive me for wrong words or wrong behaviour, I am just a human, a soul, just little compared to the universe. But I am open for it. I know the danger and the possibilites. If you don’t see danger and don’t have fear at all, you could fall for lies or get harmed badly at some point.

One of the best series so far is still and will always be – Stargate SG1 (and Stargate just in general). I started watching it in elementary school and it gave me hope in a world which I didn’t understand because the world(s) it showed me were so different and yet all connected. They were breath taking and still familiar and it was like a family for me. So I started to see it as an addition to the bible for myself.

While I also see and read the bible in a different way. For me laws aren’t rules but guidelines. And what gets presented as punishment for me is a consequence or maybe even just an explanation. It is like talking about colors: When you take red and yellow you get orange, but you wouldn’t say that it is the orange’s fault to be this way, it is just how it works. And if even red and yellow are the cause for orange to exist. And in another “light” – the actual light colors, all colors together are white. While with painted colors it is differnt. Still all are colors. Would you say the colors did cause themselve? Would you say black is a problem or white is just good?

I mean in general. Because when it comes to people colors seem to make a difference and did for a long time (sadly), but in the end we are just differnt and it shouldn’t stop us or divide or just because we look different, act different and so on. It should be the oppsite, we should see the value in our differences because one alone can’t do all, but together we can do more than we ever dreamed of even.

So if one is in the LGBTQ+ community, it is alright if it really helps them. And for me, I fought alone my whole life, so I don’t need a community just yet. But I also needed other people because we all need someone who understands, who cares and just loves us for who we are and really are.

While in the bible are sentences about being gay or other things often referenced in a bad way, I believe that God loves everyone and therefor Jesus loved everyone. And the things mentioned might just be explanations or even just thoughts which were current at the time they were written. But for me the part of God which is within us all, grew with us. So while at first God was more like a man, a caring father, sometimes too strict, it changed over time because humans changed over time, but not the average human, but the shared consciousness and what some cells, some single souls made and thought to make it grow. At first God was a man, God was in a big tent because the consciousness of the part of God which is in all of us, was still way too little and needed material manifestations and over time God became present everywhere and all the time because it grew.

And on the other hand the actual God who created us is also different from it, but still connected to it and part of it. So it is more than just one thing and way more complex but therefor beautiful. But it is just my perspective and maybe similar to other believes here and there, but it is a personal view. Maybe it is wrong, but for me it feels right and works. Not only with one believe but all of them. Not with religion, not with “it is only this way” or “this is the only true way”, no it can’t work with that, but open people, true people all everywhere, don’t judge them for their difference, love them for it and be open to see the world from different perspectives. Out of the boxes.

Sometimes being alone, means being together.

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