Day 64 (till late night)

I had a very deep conversation with my father today and he was open, he was really himself and we could talk the whole afternoon till now only half an hour till midnight.

He felt deep guilt and sorry for what he did, for his whole life, his flaws and what happened to me because of him. I did see some rare moments when he was like this, but never like today.

It was a little strange, but in a good way and he really tried his best and was as open and honest, maybe like never before. At least it felt like a very special day.

We talked about a lot and also watch a video from one of my older cousins who is a pastor. It was a very special day all together.

(This is the video he made – it is german)

He mainly spoke about how God is not judging from above, but loving us through Jesus. And there aren’t borders, we could go whereever we want, do what we want, but if we truely see Jesus, we just don’t want it.

And he also had to go through a lot when he was younger, his family as well as my mother were in a strange religous house before I was born.

The God who was preached and presented there was a judging God and at one point the man who lead this house said: “Will it be two or three [of us]?” While he didn’t even count in his whole family and the room was probably filled with at least hundred people I guess. But my cousin and the others found Jesus through different ways after they finally got out there.

This house was acting in the name of God, or so they got told, but actually it was more like a sect. Not for all, but it also wasn’t real and not good as a whole. There wasn’t real love and real life, not for most people. But even there where good moments and even there God showed who he really is and was. And after all the pain and wrong things now they all know, what they really want and needed. Each one in their own way, but with Jesus nonetheless.

My way is probably the weirdest path from all the people in my life, but still it is not about me, but what I recieve, the love I feel when I can be in the forest alone, when I am listening to music, watching series and just other people. When I can see all the good things in everything, I see how God can be, what loves means, what Jesus meant and how we could be, should be and that we aren’t perfect, but perfect through love.

Religion is not for me, the world is not for me, strange believes are not for me. But still I am interested in all of it because I just have to understand and I already know and understand so much, while it is less about facts, about words and more about a general feeling, knowledge without words, just knowing, but not really able to explain, while I am trying to.

Honesty through love, forgiveness through love and love through Jesus.

But not as a mantra, not as a dogma, not as a law, not as something you say, but just say. For me this is just what is for me and was, but got broken for many and because of many painful years and moments.

For me Jesus is a master, whether his story would be just a story or not. For me it is real because the message is real and true. But often it gets forgotten and covered by man made laws and pictures. We don’t really know who he was or how he was, just what was written, but even what was written was amazing. So why do we think it is impossible to be like him? For me this is possible and I am on my way towards it.