Day 63 (morning)

I listened to it during the short livestream they had yesterday and here is the official audio.

And for me this was the darkness. I had to really fear it at first, to realize it actually wasn’t harming me, but greeted me as a friend. Not for evil, but for good. To show me my true self, to give me strength and relief.

When I walked into the dark forest at night, I often couldn’t see anything but the sky through the trees. But I walked and walked and didn’t fall. Nothing could hold me back and so is the cold, it always was my friend, now even more than before. I am a winter guy, summer depresses me more than winter, but we will see how it goes this year.

I still couldn’t let go of my porn problem, mainly because I wasn’t in the forest for almost two weeks now. And it really has a negative effect not going there. But I am either to tired to go there when it is night time or I feel too weak, so I didn’t go. Now it feels like not taking medicine while it would cure a deadly desease. And I know it does heal and hel, but I also can’t force myself to go there because it would not be the same. But I have to motivate myself to go there anyways. Tonight I was almost ready, but then I feel asleep again.

But well erotic things are my flaw. I don’t want them, I don’t need them, but some part of my brain needs it, otherwise I wouldn’t do it at all, I guess.

And sure I could “force” not doing it, but I tried and so far it never helped because it only grows stronger. While it might seem to be a complete failure and also wrong in the context of my other thoughts and believes, it got better in some way, when I was walking through the forest a lot. Only now because I didn’t do that in almost two weeks, it got stronger again.

It is like I want it, when it got strong enough, but before and after I don’t really want it and even hate it. This is not about, is it normal to watch porn and masturbate. Maybe for you it is or for you it is a deadly sin. For me it is just bad because it feels bad and I don’t need and want it and it also damages parts of me. For you it might be just casual or normal, as I said and it has no effect or you just don’t do it because you have a clear border or something. For me this always was a strange thing since I was a child with feelings I couldn’t control or understand, while I knew what it was. But still it was different for me and not healthy.

For me it started with trying to understand and then it turned into a mess harming and enslaving me in some way. But it was very strange all the time and not “fun” or normal, as some may think.

You also have to understand, that writing about this also feels strange and weird in some way because it could seem different for the reader than how it is for me. And also it is so weird for me. Because in some way all of this feels like being a hypocrite, while I am not and not acting this way, but then I do? You know what I mean? I mean, I am writing about my problems and also about my good ideas, dreams and things.

But each time I do something wrong or write about it again, it feels like “Are you really a good person? Do you really want to be free? Don’t you feel good while masturbating?” And I can just say, it is complicated. But actually it might not be after all. I am a good person, broken by the world. And now I want to be free, but my broken parts don’t want to leave or be changed because it worked all these years, while actually nothing really worked or was good.

In one way I am writing about this to process it, I also want to show it to myself to see that I want to change and also to share my story, while I don’t know whether it is helping, just weird, disgusting or just normal for you and others.

At least some of my ideas were good because some poeple liked them. But they probably didn’t see the full picture of mine. On the other hand, is it important? For me personally I would say yes, but it depends on how you see it. It is just that people often think what they want about me and I just gave them a mask representing what they thought as good as I could, because what I actually had in mind was either way to evil and broken or just too good and complex for anyone around me to understand. So I just sticked to my masks.

Now these masks seem to have thorns on the inside, so each time I try to wear them or force myself to wear them it hurts badly in my feelings. Before it just was this way and I didn’t feel it for the post part. I still felt bad, but it wasn’t as strong as it is now. And it is good that the masks have thorns now because then I can still wear them, but I preffer the truth now and I always wanted the truth, but I thought noone would want to hear it and also others did hurt me for the truth or just for being different. Now this time is gone, while it still haunts me in dreams or thoughts sometimes, I have to process it now and I started.

I just had a way too long break now and it wasn’t good. (Break from healing with the forest.)

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