Day 63 (late night)

This rythm and melody just make my whole body move or at least want to. I am just moving my feet up and down and left to right, while in my mind is big forest, a big blue planet, a world full of life, love and creatures. It is a melody I could probably listen to for some hours.

I can’t understand that only 35,000 people watched this while it is already out there around 5 years. On the other hand, maybe only a few can really see the value in it. Still a shame, that not more people did hear these lovely sounds so far.

I guess tonight is the night when I will finally go into the forest again. Almost two weeks without the fresh air, the love and freedom were way too long. It wasn’t good that it took so long, but I also learned a lot and had other positive experiences and people, still I need the forest. For many reasons, but just because in nature is everything, in nature is life, is God and the whole universe. Without nature, we could all just be robots, what would be the difference in the end? Without love we are just biological bodies moving around, doing things, talking, acting and so on. Buth love is life and life is love and nature is full of love because it is alive. Not all things might be good for us, but still nature is way better than what we usually want or think we need.

A world without plants would be like the moon, like Mars or just a desert. Without plants there wouldn’t be much animals and in the end nothing would survive without some kind of technical synthetic things. And then why would you want to survive for a life on a deserted planet? Well, but if just one plant could grow again, there is still hope. The great deserts were once forests and jungles with lots of animals and so were our cities and villages. Some still have some life in them, but many are getting more and more into lifeless metallic or solid structures just to serve the serving which makes it bigger and bigger for the sake of growing. While what we actually should grow gets destroyed. We could go to other planets, live other lives, but instead we are busy fighting each other on this world for stupid things most of the time, for money, power, oil and territory, for religion, believes and old anger.

In the bible if I am not wrong, in the Revelation there is something about that people can’t even hide on other stars when the time has come. So far we are still just on earth, at least from what we got told and seem to know.

Why would the bible mention living on other stars when all what is would be this earth? Again, if I should be wrong then I am sorry, but the last time I checked it something like this was in the bible. And there is so much more which is actually pretty amazing, when you understand in a similar way to what I am experiencing. I know there are many strange things in the bible and also some harsh things. This is also why I distanced myself from it and still do it, as well as from religions in general. But this doesn’t mean that I am against it. Just the God I believe in is love and connections, is unity in peace and openess, while there is no rule book, not one way to walk and only this way is the right way. Everyone has their own path to walk on. Some avoid it, some think they know better and some wanted to walk it, but others didn’t let them.

For me it is about walking different paths together. So while we all have our own paths, our own ways to see the world, we can still walk on them together, side by side and still be on our own path in our own way. This works through connection and love because love doesn’t know borders.

As long as things aren’t harming others and yourself, why should they be wrong? When they feel right and not strange, why should it be wrong?

If everyone would be the same, wouldn’t it be boring?

While watching Altered Carbon I saw God, while watching Timeless I saw God, while watching Elite I saw how God can work and people think they know better, while in the end love can be strange, it also can be amazing. Love can hurt and often does, but without it, for what would there be a reason to live? A life without deep connections, deep love however this might be, would just be existing, just being a machine doing work, acting, “surviving”.

Love means to risk something, to fight for something, but also to trust. And sometimes this love gets used, abused and even stabbed or tortured. The soul gets broken and lost. But true love, which is not always about having a partner, a girl-/boy-friend or whatever, can heal all of it and is greater than all what is making us suffer, what tears us apart. So for me God is connection, is love, while God could also be out there using this connection. As I said, for me God can be many things at the same time and for me God is not an old man in the skies. For me God has no gender, for me God is each one of us, for me God is part of our connected minds, can be out there in space as well. If you limit yourself to what others say something is, you will never see it for yourself.

At least this is how it was for me. I saw it when I was little, but others had a different point of view and other things happened, so I lost my deep connection to “God”, whatever and however it really is and was. Now I am on the way to get it back and during my time in the forest and sometimes mainly at night, I have these deep connections again.

Some people don’t see these things, they either can’t or don’t want to from where they are. But so many can and sadly think it is wrong or they think it is nothing for them maybe. And then others like me, naturally see the true beauty of nature, of souls and everything beneath the facades and masks, the white chapels and black coats, the trumpets and electrical waves.

I see how the world works, I see how it could work and how it should work and how everything might be good, while it also is bad sometimes. And still for me telling, that there has to be bad, to have good is a difficult topic, when you think about it in some way. Because you could use it to say that all the pain in the world is good and necessary, while sometimes pain makes us strong, way too often it just breaks us and destroys.

For me a balance between positive and negative would be possible in a more natural way. So while for example some things like earth quakes and storms happen and sometimes take some lives and injure people, destroy homes and hopes, people can get out of it. But on the other hand just harming other people for the own profit and well being, has nothing to do with Ying and Yang in my eyes, while it probably has from the original perspective. This is also why I distance myself from all religions, philosophies and others ways, to a point in which I can see them all, understand them or at least try to understand them, while I can have my own view on the world.

Some of this might be similar to this or that and other things at some point or in some ways, but it never is one with anything because it is just my own path and way how I see everything. And I learn through other perspectives and experiences because otherwise I couldn’t grow and understand. This is why I am open and not blocking myself from things. Sure if they just harm me or others would force me to do something or go somewhere etc. I would have to block in self-defense. But it depends on the situation I must say.

Almost always forcing me to do something went wrong in the end or at least wasn’t really good for me. Still I learned through it, but what I learned once, I don’t need to learn a second time. I have to remember it, but not do it all a second time.

Sometimes things just happen a second time, a third time and you can’t do much about it. It might hurt, hurt real bad, drives you mad, angry, or just makes you deeply suffer and sad. Some of these things are there to teach us, sometimes there are there to break us, because others want us to break. Sometimes we break ourselves because we think we aren’t worth living, or even not able to live a life at all. For many years now my birthday was like the day of my funeral I deeply wished to reach. Now with my heart condition getting worse, it might not be this long, now that I want to live. But I am honest with you and I still want to die, the part of me which still can’t believe that what my soul sees, feels and believes is right. It is the brain and what it got told, it is the past and what bad happened there, while my souls also sees the good things I had in the past. And also people in the present, still thinking they know better or think it is wrong what I am doing.

Some of it might be, I know that for myself, but it is my task to get these things in order and to be who I was and always wanted to be.

I don’t have to do this alone because I am never alone. I am connected with you or all of those who feel the same pain, the same love and see these things, feel these things I feel and see. Maybe you are one of them.

So when I am walking alone through the dark forest I feel more connected with all of you, with everything, while in reality I am actually farther away from people, from society and such things. I should feel alone because I am walking alone, but it is the opposite, I feel more connected, and far from alone in a good way. This is what I can call Jesus is within me, this is what I call being connected with God, while for me this is so much different and amazing from what I think others think it is or has to be like. It is something alive, something beyond laws, beyond books and borders.

I can’t describe it while I am trying to.

I already wrote about it after I went into the forest many times and maybe tomorrow, after my walk tonight, I will have a new story or at least a new experience for myself.

From a rational perspective this is if not just crazy, for sure dangerous. And also pointless because at night you can’t see the trees and almost anything. So why would you do that, right? But I did see more at night while in the brightest daylight. Not with my eyes, but I felt it, I smelled it and just trusted in my connected to guide me through the forest, to protect me and I could feel deep love sometimes, almost sleep or just medidate in some way. I did see some wild boars, heared some owls and other nightly birds and animals.

I was one with the forest, with the wind, the animals. But it is a feeling, no words can really tell what it is about, if not felt for yourself. I can tell you much, but if you never felt it you can either believe me or think that I making it up. I can just say, that I hope you are able to feel it, to experience something like this for yourself. Maybe not in the same way because it is my path. I mean it could be also part of yours, but it has to feel right for you.

Maybe you feel it while creating a game, while painting a tree, while building a castle out of paper, making music, listening to the birds on a sunny summer day. There really is not just one way, but it always holds good in the end and also along the way. If only the end would promise good, it could all just be a flaw. And sadly many religions or people who think they know, think it has to be this way, that on this world there has to be pain, has to be suffering so that in the end one day heaven awaits. But maybe there is no heaven waiting, at least not in the way they expected it.

For me there is of course something coming after death. But it can be again different and if there should be a heaven it is not just one thing, at least not for me. For me heaven would be a place where everything good I couldn’t do on earth would be possible or would be just there. And in some way heaven might be a dream to work towards, while on the world how it works it probably never really will be possible, but atleast for us or some it could be.

Heaven can be alive, can be within us, can be a place on earth and also out there in the skies. Why limiting us with a distant hope or dream we deeply want to be true because otherwise all would be hopeless, pointless and just painful? Yes, this world is pretty fucked up, it is pretty broken and evil in some way. But if we know it, we know that there is something else as well, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to see the difference, right? Some people can’t I guess, or just feel good about themselves and how things are. I can’t because I know how things are, but still I can feel good at times when I feel pure love and connection. But me alone, I am just a soul, deeply broken, sad and confused, ashamed and frustrated about things are, about how I am sometimes and why this “has” to be this way, while it actually doesn’t have to be.

I am my own master, while I am just listening to the master and the master is not a person, not a ghost or what I see, it is what I feel and sometimes what I write through it. This music really got me writing, feeling and thinking. I hope it wasn’t too long for you to read, while it still is a very long blog post again. But it isn’t about the quanity, but what is within the words.

Sadly I can’t write in feelings, but therefor is the music and my descriptions and if you find similarities you probably understand or at least try to in some way.

When it comes to the balance between positive and negative, for me this doesn’t have to be in good and evil. Evil probably always has a place somewhere, but it doesn’t have to a part of us. And in the bible evil also always is in some way, but in the end it won’t be a part of us anymore. For myself this is possible to believe in because I just feel it. But when I look into the world, I think, how should it ever be different?

And while positive and negative might have to share the universe, they don’t have to be in the same corner or space in time. Maybe a positive and negative balance can actually be stable beyond time, while time also is just some kind of illusion. So while we had tousands or maybe hundreds of tousands of years in pain and negativity to some extinct, at one point this all good turn into positivity. Be it on this earth, a new earth, another planet, somewhere else. If this would mean heaven, then heaven is almost inenevitable to exist. If this mean the end of this world and the beginning of a new world, why should I fear it? If good will finally overcome evil not only in one but every soul, why should I be against it? I am not against it, I would love to see it and to know that it really will be this way.

For now I can just feel, think, process and try to live for why I love.

It is for you and it is for others and also for me a little bit. 😀 But through others I live and maybe some will live through me, while I am not special and still I might be. But I alone am nothing. So don’t believe in me but Jesus. Despite all religions and whatever people said, Jesus was and is a pioneer and was a king, is a king and our lord. If you know how it is for me, you know it actually is what you want as well, but for me this has nothing to do with church, with religion or old laws, just love, connection, energy, sacrifice and things we still don’t fully understand or want to investigate.

Thank you for your time, I hope I didn’t waste it. And now I will finally go out for my nightly walk after all these days without. It is 3 minutes until midnight where I live.

Till later or just tomorrow some time, should I be too tired to write after the walk. Maybe I will just sit in the forest a while, who knows.

Stay safe everyone. Spread the love! ❤