Day 62

Yesterday I had no motivation to write and when I had, I shared the time with my mother watching some Netflix series, so it was a good decision.

This is why there is no “Day 61”. But I did build up some kind of bed in my living room with the crapy home cinema in front. Was pretty amazing for me and I moved some boxes and now the living rooms looks a little weird, but for now it is way better.

This week was especially hard for me to stay calm or get calm again because of all the conversations and situations with my father. I love his soul, but he keeps driving us mad, for no reason sometimes, just by saying the same things over and over and over and over… (and over) … again.

Really, like 5 times the same sentences, like brain washing. And about things which aren’t important or at least not now.

Now to the video.

I actually have a lot of advantages. One thing is talking about a topic, for example a presentation. I hate presentations so to say and I sometimes even feared them real bad, but except for some rare occusions, I actually just told people about the topic and in the end some people even asked how I did it and teacher did give me grades between 1 and 2 like A or B. But I just was happy that it finally was over and half of the time I didn’t even know what I was doing or talking about, it just came out. So when people asked, how I did it, I was like “I don’t know”. One even thought that I did memorized the whole presentation or something, while I was just making it all up in some way and as I said, sometimes didn’t even know what I was talking. It just happened and because I was in so bad stress my subconsciousness took over most of the time or helped me out, like an autopilot for presentations.

And then I can easily find things others searched for in a long time maybe. In school a teacher searched for a movie for a while and I just sit down one evening and found it, but I still can’t tell how exactly, it also just happened in some way.

Writing as well, it just happens most of the time. There are thoughts, feelings and time and then it just happens. But I didn’t plan it, at least most of the time.

Technology as well. If I would have to learn about IT and other topics in a normal way, what I actually had to do because others thought I have to and I then thought I have to, but actually I did learn less than just by doing it my way. And I can’t really explain how I did learn programming or how my computer works and so on. But I just filled myself with so much data about everything IT that my mind just processed it and then I also tried a lot of things and then I just figured it out.

I am bad in conversations or social contact for the most part, but my mind can do so many things, it is like there is nothing I can’t do, when I want to.

But because I am depressed or just out of energy because of my situation and environment, I have a the feeling I can’t achieve anything, while it actually would be the opposite, when I have a lot of energy.

One major problem I have is, that when I think too positive about things or want to do something to make money, it doesn’t work. It is a bad pressure.

So if I could just do things I want, I could probably do something which would worth a lot of money, but would I do it for the money, it wouldn’t work. Or in other words, when I know it is related to money, there is 10 times the pressure and also doubt, while without money involved I could it way better and it would be way more interesting, but I couldn’t do it for the money, at least at first.

When in the end it gives me money, okay no problem, but doing it for it, seems to not work for me.

The thing is, when I say that I could be a new Tesla or Einstein, this would be wrong, but maybe actually right. But no one would think that I am and also I wouldn’t think I could be them, while I sometimes thought, I could be, when I would be positive most of the time. But sadly it is not possible for me to be positive in my current environment and situation.

As I said, the virus and stuff is not the problem, actually made things better for me. But my family situation, my house and the money and so on. These things make me suffer, damage me and also suck energy out of me, but I can’t get out there, yet.

So I found things a long time ago, but noone thought I could do it or supported me. And if so, then only to do it in a traditional way like, go to IT school, go studying, go working. But all of this was painful for me and actually making the dream die and not work. More the opposite of what I wanted. When I was 15 or 16 I knew that I would want to work for myself and that I could do that. Be it writing or just do my own company IT thing whatever. But noone supported me as I said and even said that this probably won’t work. And now look at me, I did quit my job because it almost killed me literally because of the pressure and just the way it was – not meant for me. I was at a technical school before and all of this wasn’t really teaching me new things. Sure from another perspective maybe. But most of it wasn’t new only taking a lot of time and it was boring.

I sure learned something, but not what I should have learned I guess.

I still can’t tell whether what I am writing is helping, weirding out, inspiring, scaring away or maybe all together depending on the topic and day and mood. I just know that when I am in a highly positive mood, things are just so amazing, fascinating and in some way easy (to understand and accept) because I see so many good things.

The thing is, people often think they can teach me something, but they only see my stupid masks and think I am stupid or I need help or for whatever reason they think, they can tell me. A problem is, that most young people react this way while other really should teach them or could teach them better ways. But in my case, I really have more knowledge and understanding than most people, really… (Everyone says that, thinks that.)

I know, this is why it is so complicated to explain it in a way that it gets understood the way it was meant. But I can only use words others use or say, while in my head there is another language, something words can’t describe sometimes. A mixture of feelings and emotions and universal knowledge. And while I don’t know where to change a switch or how to build a nuclear reactor (not yet), this doesn’t mean that I am stupid.

But in our society one who doesn’t know such things, can’t be intelligent (just an example). If I would want to build one (what I don’t want or if so not an old one), then I would focus all my brain power on this topic and in the end maybe could even improve it. But I am not interested in it yet. Still I know how it works, while would I talk about it, others would probably think I don’t know a thing. It is difficult because I have to use words others use, while I normally don’t use words for such things. So often I use the wrong words or say things in a wrong way, so that others think I know nothing about it, while sometimes I maybe know more than them.

I mean, explain this to someone who thinks that you are a normal young human being… They will probably say “Yeah, yeah. I also was like this when I was young.” And I am thinking “This is not what I meant… I tried to explain it in your words…” And then they would be like “When you are my age, you will know.” While I would think “If you would know what I know, you would probably scream or your mind would explode.” But only when I am angry. And I know that this seems like teenage rebellion, but it really was the opposite. If you would know me, you would know that I am not the average human being, maybe even one of a kind. But even I often believe that maybe were right and I am just naive and stupid guy who thinks he knows, while he knows nothing. For myself when full of (positive) energy I know this is not right and that I really know more than most, but I can’t really express it, so they assume it their way or think it is how they hear it, while what I say maybe not be what I meant.

It is really way more complicated than it seems. While sometimes everything can be so simple, when I know that I can’t say anything wrong and someone just listens. But this doesn’t happen that often and just with a few people, for example my mom. But she also can’t follow all thoughts and also needs time for herself. And so I am left alone again. Luckily I can write down the things, now that I don’t fear rejection that much anymore.

Music is one way to tell what I mean, because it is more the language I speak in my mind, than words, while sometimes there are words as well.

Most of the time when I think words, their are painful or not good for me, so when I don’t hear words, think in words, I really use my full potential and really think the way I am naturally thinking. Because my mind is just processing the data I need and I am feeling things rather than thinking much about them in words.

So for you it seems that I can write all day, while I actually can write all day. But this doesn’t mean that words are my language. It is hard to understand or believe that, while you read so many things I wrote and will probably write. Still is it how it works for me. I can think in my head with words when I want to or when I am depressed. But usually I don’t need to, want to and have to. It just flows, there is not need for words because they make things more complicated and hold my mind back. When I am good with me, I don’t need to think in words because I just know what I want and need and the brain just does. This is why I can’t explain how or why I do things, the way I do very often and this is why people often think I am stupid or need help or can’t do things… just because I can’t explain in their words.

For me talking with someone is like speaking a foreign language after just learning the basics, while they think I can speak it fluently. I can understand words, this is really not the problem here, but I can’t talk the way I want to talk and also sometimes not write the way I would want to. Take english, this isn’t my mother language and I also don’t know many words. Still I am writing in english because for me it is easier and feels better, while writing in german would actually be better because I would know way more words and different meanings than in english. On the other hand it would be less international, but this is not the main reason why I am writing in english. It is because for me english became a safe space in some way. In the internet “everyone” speaks english, at least it is the most common and also in general many people speak it. Also it feels different and doesn’t have all these negative relations like german.

As a german this might sound strange, but I feel more comfortable writing english than german, as well as speaking. But would I have to speak with a native english speaker, I would be scared to bits and probably act pretty strange because of stress and also wouldn’t understand half of what they would say. At least this is how it was some years ago. On the other hand almost everything I listen to, read, watch etc. is in english or even other languages and I have no problem with understanding it because there is no pressure.

This one made me cry in the end and the whole video was so intense and full of feelings with the music. More than words can ever say and there weren’t many words in it. What a fitting music video. Man it always hits me when things are so perfect, while I didn’t do them with my consciousness. My subconsciousness does amazing things and the higher forces as well.

A little bit of Epic Music World, listened to the livestream and now the latest release:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.