Day 60

Yesterday I fell and today I fell even worse. My father just can’t stop talking about problems, even things which are solved, things which aren’t important… until I break down and then I do all the negative things again. Following my old patterns. I needed the whole afternoon to recover from it.

I couldn’t even be happy about my new keyboard and microphone, I was just heavily broken this afternoon. Then I listened to the two playlists (on top of the post) while playing some M&B Warband, almost the whole afternoon until evening.

(It is german, but maybe now is the time to learn some german :D)

Then I watched the first episode of Gronkh’s HALF LIFE: ALYX – let’s play I already wanted to watch yesterday and my mind was blown. I had a big deja vu again and was in the “I have seen all of this already” thing. Call it on the stress, but actually at that point I was pretty calm again because I tried to relax while playing and listening to the music and it worked. I even succeeded in the game and had a good run. But still these problems are so stupid and not necessary. This morning I wanted to change the living room to be my new room and also get the old computer running again, but all I did today, was putting in the hard disk and setting up my microphone.

The rest of the day was just sitting and drifting away in a game because I was totally broke again. And of course I watched porn again. I almost got into the self destruct mode again, but luckily the game and music did calm me down again.

The Half Life: Alyx game play was really mind blowing in several layers, first of all, it looks pretty good, then you can do natural things, like switching the radio channel with a wheel etc. and then I just felt as if I already had experienced the whole video until the end scene with the soldiers / guards. I sometimes have deja vus, but this year, they are getting weird.

I can’t just say it is stress because it actually is the opposite of stress most of the time, at least now. Or after I had much stress, maybe. But I believe that there is more to it and I also believe in many other things, so who knows. I also felt, as if I had not much time left early this year in January, when nothing was there to actually think that, well except for my heart maybe, but it also wasn’t as bad as it is now. It was bad already, but now it feels even worse sometimes.

I guess I just knew what would happen this year, without really knowing.

Strange world, strange times, strange life. I hope you are save and not too much weirded out by my writings. 🙂 I sure know I am strange, while for other people some things are normal, for me everything is different, although I also have an understand for normal, but it is different, as I said.

I still wasn’t in the forest since last Monday night. Today I really, really need to go out there again. It almost kills me without these nightly forest walks now. Maybe they did actually healed not only my soul and mind, but also my body. Because now my heart and body condition is getting worse, at least it feels like it.

We will see tomorrow or later, whether I could get myself there tonight before falling asleep again.

Love you! ❤ 🙂