Day 57 (early afternoon)

But we know, that most people probably won’t change their minds and that in the end the world stays the same anyways, at least for now. Sure it will look way different, but I don’t think that the core would change after this crisis.

Despite what others think, social media isn’t what breaks me, weird things don’t break me, for me what breaks me the most are people who think they know me, who think they know how I am, who I am and what I am. People who just see the surface and then they think, they have seen it all. And with everything I say, they think it through in their way of thinking about me, so that in the end the words I say sometimes match their image, while I actually said what they wanted to hear. So after all almost noone knows who I really am, sometimes I fear, that I lose it myself again. But so far I still know who I am, after a long time of not really knowing it.

Today I almost fell into my old thought patterns completely for some hours and now I am feeling pretty weird and strange because of this. It felt as if the past year didn’t happen. But I know it did and over all the last life changing months. This is not good. I think I have to distance myself stronger from direct contact with other people who have no idea on how I really feel, think and am. Just in self defense, to not get hurt again, now in this critical state I am in. And this has nothing to do with the crisis because the crisis actually cheered me up in a strange way. If only there wouldn’t be people dying… because this isn’t cheering me up, of course. Just to be clear.

I can’t state all this fake… This is way I just write you about my problems, while I also write about things like Jesus and the universe and things. There is nothing to hide from you because I did hide for a long time, with more or less success, only breaking me. As well as all the others things which happened, which I did to myself and others. My positive core, my soul survived, but the “cage”, the body it is in, can’t take this anymore.

There is this conflict between having the chance for a great change and the acceptance of a lost game. But then a lost game can be just giving up or fighting to the end, even though it is lost anyways. And I am for the fighting to the end part, while for myself I would just want the giving up, so I wouldn’t cause problems anymore, only one last time.

I am between surviving, feeling alive, dying, helping others, waking up (awakening spiritually) and going crazy. Not necessarily in this order and also not all the time, but it is getting weirder each week, especially now with the virus crisis.

So far I gave achieved a lot, while it might seem, like a complete failure.

I am doing so many things which are positive for me and sometimes even for others, which I would have never done because of fear or other things.

Still I only see the negative when I am negative (which I am right now to some extend). I am easily triggered, often by little unimportant factors, but I am also often so different. I am many things at the same time, but what I don’t want to be anymore and hopefully am not more, at least not when I am here with you, a liar and hypocrite. Because I still feel like one, way too much. I am just here writing down thoughts, feelings and sharing videos I am currently watching. But I recieve them, get them recommened, I don’t search for me, just so you know. This is not planned, this is just pure gut, pure random and the opposite of a strict and planned “how do I want my audience to see me or the topics”. And only a few people found this so far, but I didn’t really want people to find it, while it cheers me up, if some found it anyway and even liked parts of it.

I don’t want to be praised for the good things I wrote, I want to be seen as a whole. And if it still makes you like me, then I am thankful. I sometimes just can’t take this broken state I am in, which only is whole at times or in the dark forest so far.

There is always hope.

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