Day 56 (until dawn)

It is sad to see that videos I liked, which I cared about or which simply had a positive impact on me, get deleted, set on private or else. Sometimes it might be because of copyright, sometimes because of fear or other things. But I am just sad about it and also respect it if someone should have removed it for personal reasons. If there wouldn’t be mean people or hate and such things, we wouldn’t have that happen, I guess.

I am not flawless, it is the opposite, I am in some way a sinner like everybody else.

“But in the darkest places, shine the brightest stars, right?”

I said I would lower my internet usage and now I am still posting a lot and watching almost as much as before, maybe the same. I just can’t without, not because I can’t without for myself, but it feels as if I have to. It is strange I know. One part of me needs it to not be alone, while the other part sees it as some kind of mission, how ever it should turn out. I have a feeling for what it is about, for myself I know why and what. But I can’t write it now and I also shouldn’t right now, otherwise it might hurt me because I would think, what you might think, while you also could think that it is good or right the way it is.

For me it is good, for it is right and for I am feeling, that what I do is bigger than me. Still there is this little fear, that despite all what is happening right now, it could be wrong, what I do. But I know it isn’t. I know it is complicated to understand for some, while others might think, I know exactly what you mean. Now is time for real love, connection and caring for each other like never before. Many just didn’t realize it yet or even make fun of it. It makes me sad, but I know that it just is this way because it always was this way.

One of my guide sentences: “The world never changes, it just looks different.” Meaning that while for sure some things might get better and all seems better now, the core of the whole machinery, remains still the same and has always been this way. But for me, this is no final statement, it is just a statement I have about what was until now. Now I see potential for change. Probably not directly, not in the way some might want it, it will be hard, but it will be, in my eyes there is always hope. I just can’t see it myself at times.

I already wrote about most of my problems, what I did and still struggle with, things which others might think are normal or things which others think make me a sicko. For me it always was different, strange and all I wanted, was to be, to explore, be happy, learning new things. But in my early childhood I met society, I met “normal” people and I broke. Now I know that they and I myself made me a very weird and broken being, but this is not my end. And it is important for me, that you all know, that I had really sick dreams (really sick), some of them would be illegal, trust me.

I had sick thoughts and sometimes these thoughts are coming back at times. But after realizing many things, accepting them, be it good or bad things, meaning forgiving myself at least some of it at a time, gave me back my feelings, my true self. And my soul isn’t a monster, my soul doesn’t want to hurt people, doesn’t want to be mean, sick and crazy. My soul isn’t all of that, but my brain still has all this damage, collected over two decades.

I can only continue writing here and about things like Jesus, the universe and things which interest me, when I can be sure, that noone thinks, that I think I am better or they might even think I am better. I am far from it, trust me. But I now try to listen to my soul, to my gut feeling and to what God (how I now see God and can accept it), guides me. For me I can be one with God, I can be one with myself, one with the universe and one with all of you. It is possible, I felt it, I experienced it. But this is my way, maybe it isn’t your way and I respect that. You have a different task. Be open for it and don’t think you have to be “perfect”, to be always good or such bullshit.

For me it is like, when I am open for the good, it does it more or less on its own. So I don’t have to fake it because it just is good the way it is and does. I myself can’t be like that and probably will never be fully able to be like it. But when I am open for it, I just am through it. Be it Jesus, be it God, be it your true self, be it the universe, you name it. For me, if it is not harming anyone in some way, and it is good for you or even others, why should I say it is wrong? But we can always grow when we share our perspectives and listen to other perspectives. For me this is still hard sometimes because I am still very unstable sometimes and still driven by fear or the thought of that I have to convince the other one with words, while I know that I probably don’t even have to convince the other one, but actually listen. So no, I am not better, maybe even worse than you. So I am writing it not for you, but mainly for myself because this way I can see the thoughts in front of me and make them solid and also better for me to process and understand.

If it should help you as well in some way, I am happy to hear that, but it is mainly for me, while I also want to share it, in case it could help in some way.

How can I help you? How can you help me? Sometimes it is just the need to be understood, to be loved for existing and to be not lost, alone.

Wrong believes or strange interpretations doesn’t help and sometimes even caused all of this mess. You will see, when you feel that there is more than this wrong, broken world and things. If you really want to see, you will see.

My love is with you and with it the love of the higest most pure power of all.

Whatever it is for you, if it is really good for you, maybe it was meant to be and if it might be bad now or was, maybe it was meant to be as well.

I just had to think about the story my mother told me a couple of times, about a king and his servant.

The servant or friend of him, always believed that everything happened for a reason, to be good in the end, while the king was more realistic thinking.

Some things did happen and when they both were hunting there was an accident and the king lost a finger I think. I am not sure whether it was the servants fault, his own or something else. But after that the servant still said, that it was for good, so the king threw him into jail, probably believing he might has lost his mind or something.

Some time later the king went out alone and a wild tribe catched him.
First they cared for him and wanted to give him food and things, but when they did find out that he had a missing finger (probably after he got out of his gloves), they said, that he can’t be a sacrifice for their God or whatever they believed in, so they actually just let him go I think, while would he have had his finger, they would have killed him. After that the king let his good servant out of jail and apologized deeply and that indeed everything happened for a reason and was good in the end.

I probably missed some details, but this is the main message of the story. And well, you can’t believe it, like the king until you finally see it or experience it some way, I guess. Because otherwise it could also just be fake, a wish or illusion, until it really does things, changes things you never thought about or imagined this way.

❤❤❤💜💜💜💗💗💗 🙂


Donate if you want. 🙂 But I am happy, if you are.


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