I am still not sure about my current overall state of mind and physical health, but I know that my heart is really doing well and my mental health is better than a year ago, but still very fragile and unstable.
I could still just decide to end my life, but not because of the current situation of the world, but because I fear that I would have to continue with all my problems for so much longer because it won’t kill me.
And yes, I want to live. And yes, I want to die, but only because of the still vulnerable broken parts of me. For me it is not about masking, but removing the mask to create a natural mask, which wouldn’t be a mask in the end. For me it would be who I really am and wouldn’t hurt me as much as faking or just talking about the problems knowing it won’t get better because of it.
And now going in the forest might also become a problem.
If I would be alone in the forest, it would be so much easier.