Day 54 (morning)

Because of my mental health I went down the spiral last year and I am still not well. I did quit my job in January because I simply couldn’t do it anymore. Back then there only were some cases of the virus in China an around 10-16 in Germany because of a chinese-german company meeting.

I stayed at home for the most part during this time because I just couldn’t take the pain I felt around other people. So except for the part with cleaning my flat and getting the last things out, I wasn’t anywhere.

But I had to go to the bank to cancel some monthly payments and finally activate my online banking and I also had to go to the town hall, to get removed out of the other town register, since I didn’t live there anymore.

After this day I already felt a little weak but I thought, well probably just the stress with the people. And then three days later I almost knocked out just because I was standing for a while. Also around the same time, my father often came over, while he himself was sick. So he might have been sick, other people might have been sick, or it is just my heart which had enough physical and emotional pain, to get to a point where it might stop beating.
I am really not sure, but when my father went to the doctor two weeks ago, asking, whether he might has CODIV-19, the doc simply said something like “But you haven’t been in China, so it is just a cold” or something like that. My father actually wanted to go there again, but I don’t know he probably wasn’t.

And now I still feel a little weak since last weekend, where it started.
I have to add that I am 21 and my imune system is actually pretty strong, at least usually it was. But with a weak heart this could be a problem.
My mother also felt tired since she came back from visiting one of her sisters. I guess it could just be a basic flu or something, but you never know these days and I mean I should add, that three years ago, when I sometimes my stomach did hurt, my father was the only one who once said (before we all knew and before it got serious), that I might have gall stones.

Later he was right. The first time I had a very hard case of a gall stone being stuck, I went to the doctor, but because of my problem to really speak and say everything, the doc just said, I probably just had too much food, because to this point I still believed it was related to me eating too much sometimes.
This sure was partially right, but it wasn’t “just” the food. And the second time it happened, I first refused to go to the doctor because I thought, it might be the same, while I did hurt badly and at the worst point I felt as if I would die. In hospital they then said, that I could have died.

Sometimes you should believe people you never trusted or who you have problems with because I have a very complicated relationship with my father, for several reasons. But he was right with the gall stones and maybe he was also right with the virus, who knows. Even if not, was the reaction of the doc very, very strange and he wasn’t taking it serious. In fact he never really took me serious or my mother. Next time I will go to a different doctor. I know that this doc has no intention to harm me, but he simply can’t help me and my family. He just looks on the surface and then decides, I guess. If he should read it, I know that he didn’t want to break my trust into the health system, but he did and especially a part of my self trust which got lost through some of these doctor events.

I went there because of my heart, my stomach, depression and other things and never got help because I could really make it seem serious, while I always knew it was. I just couldn’t express it this way, so I gave up.

Isn’t this so messed up? When you know better than the doc?
So I might really have a damaged heart or even a heart issue since breath, which might got bigger. Either way, for someone just in the early twenties I feel as if I am very old sometimes. My soul is old, while I sometimes act like a child and then maybe as if I were a master mind. I don’t know.

As I wrote early, I don’t believe that this is the very end, but after and during this crisis, the world as we know it will end and already did.
Some just didn’t realize it yet.

On Tuesday I was out for a walk in the forest around dawm (6-7 AM) and while in the news and in general people were saying “Stay home, stay safe” etc. on the main road next to my village I still saw a lot of cars, maybe even more than usual, but at least way too many. And even my father who on one hand even thought he might have had the virus (what I still not really know because no one tested us and the tests aren’t working all the time as far as I heard from several sources), wanted to get his car checked for the maintenance and TÜV (service which checks whether the car is still fullfilling the current standards). I mean, while in some countries people have to pay 200€ when they are just walking on the street for no reason and even in the neighbour state people are locking down, in my area people simply think, it isn’t that much of a problem is it? Or they just do irrational things.

I don’t know… what is happening guys?

I know what will come, at least I bet it will come and now more than ever.
Just always try to look at things from at least two perspectives and if possible all major perspectives and not just what one source or random guy had said somewhere at some point.

Yes, many things are possible, yes the world is going down, in some way.
But you have to think in long terms and also in the now, now more than ever. Don’t act like fools, don’t be so selfish. Stay inside, really STAY INSIDE!

I didn’t even go out for a walk into the forest this night, while outside I still heard people driving to work. I understand that the “so great” economy is also going down, obviously, but what is more important? Lives or companies and money? I mean, who thinks that money will be a thing the same way it was before after this crisis, really has no idea what is going on, I guess. But everyone for themselves, right? … Why can’t we be better? Why are we the way we fear we are? Probably because we do what we got taught and what others wanted. At least most of us.

But now is really not the time, to go on a “I don’t care” trip or do you want to know that you might have killed hundreds of people, by simply walking around making stupid jokes, while eating ice cream?


But also don’t overreact. Stay calm, but take all of this serious because it will get more serious in probably just a couple of days, who knows.

Last week they were just talking about closing schools and things, now whole countries and states are locked down, you need documents to go on the streets in some countries and areas and what else might come.
Some states in Germany already asked for help by the military, to support in some way. So we will see. I already feel bad for the people I met when I was in the town doing the bank and town hall stuff, what must they think, who ignored it until now?

I hope that more people are getting aware of it, but not freak out and buy stupid things in irrational amounts, like toilet paper. I could understand buying maybe cans for two weeks, but toilet paper for a year? I mean, are you going to eat it or what? I would care about food because I could live without toilet paper at worst, but without food and water, that might be a problem. But we just bought some crips bread and a little bit more than usual, but not that much. While I heard that others even bought two carts full of stuff and such things. I mean, what ignorant, stupid people… sorry.

Also care about the network capacity. Yes I am guilty I still use it, but I actually shortened the amount a little already and hopefully I will be able to make it even less, so that it is useable where it is actually needed.

I already experienced very slow internet connection from time to time.
And some countries are also talking about shutting down or at least shrink the capacity available for things like Netflix. Because what is more important? You watching Netflix or a health care video conference? And I am dead serious about it.

Just for the record I have to add, that today I fell for my porn problem again, but it gets better nonetheless and it isn’t that much of a problem anymore most of the time. It just comes up from time to time or gets triggered, but at least it isn’t a burden anymore, like all these years before.

And now with writing, making music and listening to all this amazing music even more and things, things are really changing. The time I spent watching random things on YouTube, watching porn or simply being depressed turned into writing, creating and truely loveing everyone and everything. And all started with this one time, when I first wrote openly about my feelings and problems with my best friend and cousin.

Small things can truely cause a big change.
I personally am minimalistic since ever I think, but I started to change to get more normal, only to realize that I still have everything I need and it isn’t much. Just a computer, some clothes and that is about it. The other stuff I sadly still have is just still there from my grand father or because of past times. But I just don’t need these things. I need so few things and now is the time when it will come in handy. 🙂

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