Day 53 (evening)

While listening to Angela Merkel’s speech to the nation was going to an end I watched and listened to the Aura video. It sure was a strange atmosphere.

We are all in it, we are all in a major change. I fear the consequences, not that we can’t go out or something, I fear, what might come after this crisis or during this crisis. It will get worse and if you believe, what I believe or just similar things, you know that this won’t be the end, but it will change our lives and the future.

So please think for yourself, but also listen and don’t act like fools, don’t be selfish and stay inside if possible. I guess that what the governments are planning won’t work for long, but at least now they know how bad the systems actually are. I mean, we all knew this day would come, but still just within a couple of months the whole world got infected and countries get locked down.

It either was partially wanted or people really were too stupid. Both is possible and I won’t say that it was planned. This is just one of many possibilities. The one I am going for the most right now, is that it just was an inenevitable event and people were just in their clouds and boxes, not realizing how serious things could get in just a short amount of time.

Many things are possible, but it is just important that we care for each other now. However things will change. Prepare for the worst and be cheered up, when it wasn’t. But please, don’t buy things in a responsible and rational way. Don’t buy as much as you can get because than others probably get nothing and in the end, is your life really more important than other lives?

Maybe in the end because of you, another family has a problem to find the right food because they can’t eat everything or just need specific things, you just bought for the sake of having them. If it should really get worse, you can still do something else. But don’t expect help, if you just want everything for yourself. I hope you know what I mean. And I personally think, if you read this, you are probably not as stupid as other people, not meaning they are stupid in general, but acting as such in a crisis.

Okay well this could seem like a break down, but I just feel some pain around my heart again and I feel weak again. So in some way I might have another break down coming in. One part is related to my body being in a weird state. I still can’t tell what is going on, but probably it is all this mental and emotional stress lately.

I guess today I will go into the forest again. I mean how should this affect other people, right? Almost noone seems to be in the forest nowadays anyways and I just want to be alone there.

Either way, I am not sure whether I will survive this, but I am ready to leave this earth for so many years now and now I also can say that I have almost reached the best version of me, the one I already had as a kid.

If I should for some reason survive all this mess, I hope I didn’t lose it all again. I think that the death wish is getting stronger since this afternoon.
And I mean in the end I am just making strange things. I hope at least my music is somewhat nice for some people and some of what I wrote.

You might ask, how can you be so optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. Yeah right, my mental health. And so I can just say, that I am for sure not stable. It is less about what I know or not know, but more about the damage. Most of the time I fear that I am doing something wrong, even when I am having a good time. Sometimes I forget about it for some time only to get an even bigger problem afterwards, thinking about all what happened in this time.

I am not sure when this will be healed, but so far it is still not healed.
And the (self-)manipulative part of me can still just exploit this weakness and drag me all the way down into “You know, that in the end, you will still be a problem.”, while I just was at “No matter what happens, I will go through it. And I know that I am here for a reason.”

Yep, this is how stable or unstable I am. But it really got better in some way because now I don’t fear about sharing things with other that much anymore and also doing things I always wanted, like walking through the forest at night. I mean I not really wanted it this way, but still thought about it in some way and now it is even better than I thought.

Still I have a tortured soul and mind… anyways. I hope you are all safe in some way and that at least you have the power of love within you.

This actually did mean much more to me than I thought when I clicked on it. I perfectly fit into this, the only problem, I am a man, at least anyone would say I am a man, but as I said, my soul is a woman. And still I am both.
Man, I really diagnosed myself very good many years ago, I just had nothing to back it up and also not the environment for it because I just didn’t see anyone like me. And then well I probably did know some from school, but I wasn’t like them. So I didn’t relate myself to them.

I don’t know, but this really helped a lot. If only the negative feeling wouldn’t be so strong. But it just started this afternoon again and now with all the other shit happening and me losing everything in the game I was playing for some days now, just didn’t help.

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