Day 52 (late morning)

Now after I finished the 9th episode of Timeless season two, I have even more questions in some way, while I have the answers already.

They were talking about what I was writing about just in the last days, and thinking for years. What is going on? I mean I know, but is it really what I think it is? If so, it is so amazing that I have no words.

In this episode they went from, having some visions, to god / a higher force gives them, they should go towards it and not away from it and also in a general, not religious way, while for others it might be a religious / holy experience. And this is basically what I believe. So I just heard, what I believe in, yet again it what I watch and listen to.

Each day, getting more and more one with whatever it is in the end.
And the best thing was, the question about fear and that only cowards have not fear. I can relate to it because I feared almost everything at times.
Now I am just getting rid of the fear in a way, that I take it as a challenge and a learning curve, but not as a problem. It still might be at times and I probably fall down again at some point, maybe not. But either way, I know that it will be alright because it is my path, even though I might not know it when I am down.

While one of the main topics yesterday was porn and my strange relation and view on it, I actually wasn’t sure whether I should write all of this. I feared to be rejected again because of it. But then I thought, well it was an honest attempt to express what I think and feel about things and it was also not intended to support a specific party or something, just my opinion.

And I guess some of it is probably a little bit difficult to understand or could even be misunderstood. Just know that I try to see everything from a loving point of view, which means that I just have to understand or try to understand everyone and everything. When I denied myself, I got taken over by some of these things. But when I am true to myself, I just know what is right and wrong, I simply feel it and it doesn’t matter what others say against it. At best I learn their point of view, which would be a good thing after all. So yeah, I shouldn’t worry about anything, but this doesn’t mean that I am fearless. I am just trying to learn and live that fear is showing me, where to go, for me personally at least.

This said, I still fear some things, especially people, but not because of them, but because of what I could do wrong, or what they could maybe say, without knowing that it could hurt me. Still I am not over everything yet and there is still the possibility for suicidal thoughts. It is nothing I can really control, just modify maybe, so that I can adapt to the thought, making it less harmful, less powerful. One step at a time, right? And I am living as best as I can.

Most things don’t happen because I want them, I just have to do them, if they are good. And when I refuse, it isn’t helping me. When I do something wrong, I started to love me anyways because I am just a human and I want the right things in the end. Forcing my way to “heaven” or just a higher state of mind in a good way, is not a thing for me, for me it is all optional, all free to chose and I did when I was a kid, so I always had it, I just thought it was wrong and I let myself be inspired by other things I didn’t really need.

So my interest opened some kind of box, like Pandora’s box for me.
But I am starting to catch the things which came out, no matter what others say how it should be done or whether I can or not. I am just doing it.

About my music, I really can’t tell how it is turning out this good, in comparison on how I am creating it, at least not in a rational way.

For me personally, I sure know how it is working and why it is working and so on, but you might think this is impossible. Well, you know I am recieving the music, so maybe I even play what someone else already played, maybe what will be played or just wasn’t played so far. I am just doing it and it happens more or less on its own. I am not really planning it. Sometimes I do this or that. I have things I started to do for most of the tracks, but still it is not really a controlled or logical things. It is more like a feeling and just a doing thing.

I am not in some kind of trance while doing so, but on the other hand I might am, depending on how you would describe it or see it. For me it is a deep connection with my subconsciousness as well as the universal consciousness, so an overall connected state of mind. Therefor I am in some kind of trance, but I am present and I know what I did because I did it, I just can’t tell, why exactly I pressed this or that note, it is just out of a feeling for the most part.

And while some of the tracks are a little bit planned, most are just pure out of nowhere, I just recorded some instruments and things, modifed them, put them together and boom. After a while I even just started to not listen to it completely before uploading it. Just because I would like it anyways in the end and because I just know it is good or bad, the way it is, it is out of my hands. And then I am amazed about what I just created, while I was more like a tool than the actual creator, in my eyes.

I once said, when it sounds bad, it was me (trying to make it better), but the rest is just whatever I recieve. Or at least I said something like that.

Pointed back at my name, I use for the things “I” create or just do, it is J.SYS.
Originally it was something like John Systems, then later it turned into Johandros Systems (because I called myself Johandros in games and around the internet) until it got into J. SYS and therefor J.SYS.

And then (I probably already mentioned it at some point), my cousin said to me, that he thought it was standing for Jesus because it looks similar and could be spelled the same way, if you want. It never was my intention to let it look like this and I didn’t really thought about a connection at first, but now it might has a reason after all. I am still just me, John, J.SYS the guy who writes a blog, makes music and stuff, but it is somehow all connected with me in a good way, at least for me.

So while I am definitely not Jesus, I may more and more become similar to him in my own way, through my own strange path. And everyone has their own path. I hope you find yours soon or you are already on it.

As I said, this is not me talking about Christianity, or in a religious way, this is just a part of my universal understanding of everything around me.
And Jesus played the main role in it all the time, while for big part of my life, the connection to him was weaker because I weren’t able to trust it, weren’t able to trust myself. I just thought it was all illusion, all a lie, all a dream or even me going crazy. But now I know, that it was the opposite and only when I turned my back towards all of this, I got to were I thought I could be with it, meaning insanity.

I know that you still could think I am crazy, while others might think, that I am telling them what they never would have told others. Other think I am just a random guy writing strange things. The thing is, what I write, is what other write for science fiction or fantasy stories. I believe that some of them do it because they just think it is interesting, some may experienced things like that, but disguesed them as scifi to protect themselves and others tried to understand, while again someone else maybe just dreamed these things or recieved them in some way and created a story out of it.

In the end, you have many scifi stories and also others of course, which tell about things most people seem to not believe or just don’t think about that much, while I am someone who gets some kind of enlighentment through it.

Thanks for your time. 🙂
And stay safe, in the name of love.

Don’t just believe me, try it yourself.

I could tell you anything if you would just believe me and on the other hand you could also just think I am making things up. So I can just say, try to think out of the box, whatever box you might be in, is it a religious box, a rational box, another? You don’t have to see things my way, but your way.

And when you are true to yourself, you will understand what I mean, I hope. So if you are not okay with something while you are in the box you might be in, investigate it. Don’t force yourself to believe something or just accept something, if for yourself it doesn’t make sense or feels wrong.

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