Day 51 (late morning)

I am writing on my book again. I mean, it might never be sold or read, or even finished, but still there is a chance, so I am doing it. 😀 And if it is just for me, to get out some feelings and a story. Maybe someone dreams it or even lived it. Who knows. I just know, I want to continue whenever I feel like.

And still there are people out there, who will help you and want to help you, but you have to want to let them and want to be better in the end. Even if you can’t really right now. So while it is true that you are the only one who can really help you, you don’t have to do this alone and I am here, if you need someone to help you, help yourself. When I was younger I didn’t understand the phrase in the bible about “god helps those who help themselves” and while I don’t know were it is from, it just seemed wrong and also is wrong in some way. But I am helping myself now, but not because I really did it at first. And at some point the universal consciousness, god, took over.

So as I said, sure you are the only one who can really help yourself, when it comes to humans, this doesn’t mean that you are alone and have to do it alone. It just is, that there of course won’t be someone who will just make your current state the state to go and everything is fine, without you doing anything. This is just how it is, but then what do you really “have” to do?
In my case, I just deeply cried out for help and I found help. Within me, through movies, through music, through words, through people talking and sharing their struggles and views, through so many things, while still no one really was able to help me in a direct way and still there is no one.

But I am not alone with it and I am getting more help than I ever dreamed of. It is about how people think things are and how they really are for you and in the end. You can help yourself, you will help yourself and you don’t really have to do anything, just ask for help in some way. I just reached out to a cousin who is also a close friend of mine and now even more than ever.

But not because my friend could do anything about it, just so that I knew I didn’t have to carry this weight with me alone. And I also often felt guilty for sharing it, but it was good in the end and then all the rest started to come in more and more. Your path and process is probably very different from mine, so don’t think it has to be this way. Follow your soul, the feeling in your gut and heart, when it comes to decisions and trust yourself, if it is a good thing. All good you have in mind, is good and you have to find for it.

I found God in places I didn’t expect him, while in places I thought he should be, I often just found fake and illusion. Still I know that everywhere is something good, so don’t judge about people, especially not if you don’t even know them. And if you think you know someone, maybe you don’t really know them at all. There are so many untold stories, unheard screams and unseen tears. Lost souls, fallen ones. If I could just save them all.

But the soul will be saved, not by me, but by the higher forces. So if not on earth than on the other side. There is no one who won’t get a second chance, a third chance, so many chances. God doesn’t say: “You already got two chances, now you are lost forever”, it is the opposite, god, the universe, the higher force, loves us all and just wants us to grow, understand, love and overcome what is holding us back from it.

In my eyes, we can be angels, we can be demons, we can be gods and devils, but in the end, we are meant to be all one with god, whoever, whatever this means and is. For me god is so much more and far from what the church or others tell you, while not all of it might be wrong, for me it is way more complex and gigantic, as well as simple and beautiful. We are all children, we should never forget that, otherwise we can’t grow. Just because we get older, doesn’t mean we get wiser. We often become the opposite.
But there is always a point at which we can stop and start learning again, start seeing the world with new eyes, with the eyes of a child.

(Man I am almost crying again because of all these lovely feelings)


You don’t have to agree with me and not all I write might be right, how should I know, how should you know. We grow on our failures, right?
And we have to overcome the brainwashing of society in either way.
Just because you think, you think for yourself, doesn’t mean it is really true.

And also thinking might not be the best thing at all sometimes, while you definitely should use your brain. It depends on how and what. If your brain uses you, the thoughts tear you apart, it might not be good to think at all.
But when you have a clear vision, a deep connection, you just naturally use your mind for the connection and you will think about so many things in a good way and bigger view.

Believing is about thinking for yourself and not about commiting to someone elses believes and a society, you can’t believe in. Believe isn’t force, it is what you feel in the gut, what you might not find at first, but search for until you find it somewhere else. I am no christian in a religous way, I don’t call myself christian anymore because for me this is connected with a lot of problems in my past and also in general. I am just calling myself a believer, just a general believer. Because what I believe has no labels and limits, it is pure and good, while I also know the evil too well, as well.

I am not an angel and not a pure soul, I am not the kindest and I have still so many broken parts. But it is not holding me back to share all of this with you because this is what I believe, what I experience and what love means for me. Some of it might sound impossible, or as if I would think that I am better or some people are better than others, but no. We are all equal, when it comes to our need for love, for connection. And if God is love, is connection, than we all want it, but we don’t know that we want it because we think it is something else because we got told otherwise.

Many things are possible, but I am just trying to share and put together my views, my believes and just myself. Thank you for trusting me or just spending some time with me. I hope you don’t regret it. I know some of these things sound pretty crazy and such, I am still not where I was, and where I will be whole forever, but this is my goal and this is the path to reach the best version of me. While currently I still have problems with some people, some opinions and just with some situations and feelings.
This is just how it is, but I am not forcing myself to do anything and luckily no one really forces me to do something as well.

Therefor I know, that for you it might be a lot harder right now and might get even harder. But it is different for everyone, sometimes maybe similar in some ways and still just for you. I am starting to love my broken past for it teached me a lot, so that I can see everything, and this is what I wanted.
I just forgot about it, while years went by. Whatever your path is, I know you can walk it and you don’t have to walk it alone.

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