Day 51 (afternoon)

All is possible, nothing is, all is a lie and everything is true.

Todays world is a paradox, but if you believe in true love and connections, you can overcome all these toxic, crazy and fake things.

That I am writing here each day, several times helps me to get my thoughts out and also to sort them and even grow with them. But I still have my problems and I still feel fake sometimes, while I know that I have no need to be fake or to feel fake because everything I am is just how it is and I didn’t want to harm anyone, nor do I want to harm anyone in the future.

Still is it possible that I could harm someone when my broken side gets triggered by something or maybe even just because someone misunderstood me. This is not to seek attention for me, I don’t want people to tell me, how strange I am or what I should or could do about it.
I know enough to handle this because I know where I can get my knowledge, for example in nature or through some music and such.

For me it is just that I am still working on my mental health, so that my soul can have its full potential again in the end, without fear, without all these broken problems getting in its way. I know that I love everyone, but I am still a human with problems. So please forgive me, when I say something wrong or maybe still judge something. I am not better than anyone, I might just see what others can’t see yet, while others might see, what I didn’t see so far or not in the same way.

Each day is another day to learn more, heal more, explore and also to survive.

While I not recommend doing dangerous things, especially not if you have no idea what you are doing, I must say, that by doing things most people won’t do, I learned more about everything. And I have done things, I wish I didn’t do, I sure didn’t want to harm anyone, but as I said, a part of me is and was even more broken for most of my life. This is just what happens to people who can’t really understand the world and then try to fit in because they think otherwise they won’t be able to survive and also traumatic events, bullying and other things. Sometimes maybe just passivly, through the pressure of the system and other things.

For myself, some things I did, were not good for myself and also not for some other people. These things happened, they still hurt and I can’t change them. But I can now be the one I was meant to be. While sometimes I still think, that what I am writing might all be a mistake and people will think this is fake until I myself think it might be fake because of these deep scars of mistrust against myself, I still continue.

I didn’t want to be broken, but I had to be broken, to see everything and not just one side, but all sides. You don’t have to break, maybe you are already broken as well. Who isn’t, right? But some are more broken than others, and some are better in faking than others. We don’t have to fake anymore, especially in these days.

Many people already feel this big change and even felt it before it happened, others might still try to fight for their “normal” life.
But it depends on what is normal, right?

For me, if people now start to care more about their loved ones, is a thing we should. You never know, even before, when it might be the last time you see them, touch them, feel them, talk to them.

One of my guide sentences is: “When you can believe in the devil, you can believe in god.” Whatever this means for you, for me the meaning behind this is, that if you can believe in dark magic, in a high dark power, like evil spirits, rituals etc. then why should it be possible to have an “equivalent” for the bright side? And also don’t forget, that when it comes to the bible, the devil still is an angel, a fallen one, but still an angel. And god created him.

So no matter you believe in it or not, for me it is very complex and indeed possible, but probably very different from the usual believe (why again, I don’t call myself a christian). For me god is in everything, even in things the devil does, or evil forces. Not because what they do is good, but they are still part of everything, so these things could become good things in the end, even though there weren’t intended as such.

I don’t know how people like me are called or whether there is a real description (probably you will find something, but I actually don’t want a label or name). I just see myself as an x-believer, meaning that I believe in general, I don’t limit myself with religions, laws and borders.

I sure have morals, but I don’t want to do something, just because it is normal to do it or “everyone” does it. Each time I did such things, it hurt me in the end, one of it is porn and masturbation. For me it started when I was in elementary school, through TV, through friends talking and my own overwhelming feelings. But the thing is, religious people reached out and wanted to ban porn, and such things. I totally understand that, but on the other hand, it won’t help, it would only make the problem bigger.

Each ban, each law against something, implies a movement into dark corners, hidden areas. So if porn would be completely illegal, people would still watch it, but in secret, as well as drugs. In some countries selling drugs can cost your life because by law you would get a death sentence, still there are people selling drugs, even in these countries because it is even more profitable sometimes because of the added risk. On the other hand, at least for me, the problem isn’t porn, but the need for love. So while porn won’t give real love, at least usually it is not meant for that, just to give you some kind of temporary pleasure. During all of this I learned a lot about myself and people who work in this sector.

I once read about a female pornstar who opened up about her childhood and that she got abused by her father I think and in general had a bad time when she was younger, so she got used to it and now in some way wants to be tortured in a sexual way. So you see, while on one hand porn isn’t good for us, I still learned something good (at least for me) through it.

It still isn’t good in some way to watch porn, but you can say the same about many other things and in the end, you would probably find more sins and problems in “normal” families or so “holy” areas, than where you think all is bad.

This doesn’t mean that it can’t be giving true people and that there aren’t evil people, doing all kinds of bad things. But we all do bad things or did.
Hiding them, or pretending that we never did or do, won’t make it better.

It is difficult for me to say this without saying something I don’t mean.
So I don’t mean that you all should watch porn now. I also don’t mean, that porn is just evil and a problem. For me porn is a difficult topic.
I was and somewhat still am addicted to it, but during the last months it got better. So people are trying to survive in different ways and they are in different state of minds and spiritual state etc., but would you say it is better that men would for example start to rape women? There is a movement for better porn, in which women are the leading power and won’t get abused.

Porn in general is more a male thing, I suppose and in general women are sometimes just used and abused for the sake of porn. This is wrong in many ways, it is wrong to abuse woman, it is wrong to make a video of it and it is wrong to watch it for pleasure. But then on the other hand, you have a movement which actually goes against this, for save porn and for to save women. Would you then say, that it is just all wrong? If so, I can totally understand that.

Still after all I really have to say, that I always saw something good in everything, maybe not at first, but at least now or before I got broken. So if you don’t give time or space for people who might not yet be able to get away from porn, how should they get better? This is exactly like taking the drugs from a drug addict, it wouldn’t cure his addiction. Only if he then actually wants the help. Otherwise he might doesn’t take drugs for a while, but as soon as it is possible again, he falls back into it.

I am still falling back sometimes, but I don’t have this need you could say, like eating something everyday. Before all this, porn was like eating for me.
I almost everyday watched porn, sometimes even multiple times.
I even developed a computer program for it, to make it even easier.
I deleted all traces of it (at least I hope), last year.

But it was my own decision and then it didn’t felt this bad.
So if someone would have just blocked it, I would just tried to find a way to get it no matter what it would take. Even though it actually felt bad and I didn’t really want it all the time, but it was so much of a part of me at this point, that it was just necessary in some way.

Therefor, porn still can be a problem and you don’t have to watch porn and shouldn’t watch porn. But compared to mass murder, war, child abuse, suicide, … is porn in which no one is harmed, not that bad.

You can’t save everyone, we can’t save everyone and forcing something, won’t help. At least in my own experience it never ended up in a good way.

Maybe other people have another opinion and forcing helped them, I don’t know. For me, it just feels wrong and was wrong. If I would be able to remove everything what was wrong and is wrong because it harms people, would it even be possible or change a thing? When people see for themselves that it is not good, they will get away from it in some way.

I know that this all might scare some of you away again because I wrote about love and peace and god and all and now I am writing about porn and that not all of it might be that bad.

Just to be clear. If porn wouldn’t be a thing and people could just love each other in a deep and kind way and no one would be alone. I wouldn’t want porn to become a thing, but it is here, it is a thing, so you can’t ignore it or just ban it. Love it, but not for the problems, not for the pain it causes, but for all the people who are in it, for all the people. No matter what we do, what others do, we are all humans and we all have souls. Some might have sold their soul in some way, either for their success or for other reasons, but still they are humans. Hating them, won’t change a thing.

I hope you no better understand what I mean or wanted to say.
If not, I am sorry that you now might think, I am supporting porn.
It is complicated, but as I said, I am trying to get away from it because I don’t need it and I know that just porn as a thing, doesn’t help me. Still I even there found god, through things I found out about others and myself in this area. I know this sounds strange, really trust me, I know.
Still if I would draw a line and say something like “Okay, I can accept this and that, but YOU THERE, you porn viewing monster, I can’t love you!”, then everything I say, would be pointless and also Jesus would be pointless.

It is not about supporting, but understanding. I won’t support porn, but I also won’t try to remove it. This is not my task and also it won’t change a thing in my opinion, and also not work. The problems are in the heads and not in the things the heads manifest in. So if someone hurts others, it is wrong, but they do it because there is something else wrong inside their head. I could have said similar things about illegal drugs or drugs in general, but I never had a problem with these personally.

Only true love can heal all wounds.
I would wish this world to be better, but it isn’t so far, I hope the future will make a difference however it will look like in the end. I am open for a change.

Could we just remove all strange things, we would have heaven.
Could we all just love each other through deep connections, we would have just basic problems, like getting food, staying save during stormy weather and such things. We have so much more problems than we realize and when we realize, we often try to ignore them, we don’t want to talk about it, others might say we shouldn’t and in the end we just try to forget all problems in some way. Be it through porn, alcohol, drugs, putting them on other people or just trying to die in some way.

We just need love, a deep connection and it seems for many, that this is not possible, so we fall for porn, fall for alcohol and other drugs, to get a kick, to get a chemical reaction, to at least feel something for a moment.

I can tell you, when I am in the forest, in nature, there is so much love inside me. And I feel so whole and not alone, while I am actually alone out there, except for the animals of course. 🙂

Sorry for putting you through this, I hope you understand and I hope you aren’t weirded out by me. This is just how I work or at least how I used to work and now try to be again. I even would take the devil in my arms, if he would come to me crying. This wouldn’t happen I suppose, but on the other hand why should I push him away? Whether he exists or not, I believe that there is something which is the devil and maybe even in different, multiple ways, as it is with god for me.

One devil is inside each of us, one might be in the higher consciousness in some way and one might even be another living creature, the real fallen angel. Who knows. I am open for it all. Maybe it is wrong, maybe you just think it is because you don’t understand it in the same way I do.
I am not your enemy, no matter who you are, we just have different opinions. I am only your enemy, if you want me to be your enemy and still I wouldn’t want to fight with you, but maybe would have to do something.

I am taking the “we all should become like Jesus” very serious because for me it just seemed natural to be like him, when I was pre-school age, only over time with other people and the problems in my own family etc. I more and more thought, well it might all be fake or just so broken. But I never lost this believe that for me it felt real, it was natural. While over time my believes changed and my opinions and so on, I never stopped believing in Jesus. Just they way I believed in him changed.

At this point I really have nothing to lose. It is only that others could lose me. So for myself, I am ready because I know that whatever happens, it will be good for me in the end. Even or especially when I should fall down again. All these painful experiences teached me things and showed me how other people feel and felt.

You don’t have to do what I did, you have your own path and I am sure you maybe did things I didn’t do. Maybe you are better than me in some way, maybe you think you are worse. But I stopped believing in better or worse at some point. I am not perfect, no one is, but for me this imperfection is the true perfection, if we can recognize it as such. That the mistakes we do, can’t all be prevented and aren’t just bad all the time. Sometimes missing a train could save your life. Sometimes things which seem really bad, could be the game changing moment in your life.

You are not alone and I am still to this day, struggling with negative thoughts because of my broken past. I am far from being a good person, far from being a saint or something, at least in my eyes. And I don’t know what would happen, should the fallen morning star, really stand in front of me on day. I don’t know, I just know, that I am still a human, still having flaws, I am still working on my broken parts. But it doesn’t stop me, to tell you that I love you, even if I might not be able to show it yet.

If all could be just like this in some way. So pure and peaceful.

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