Day 50 (noon)

https://anchor.fm/notneurotypicalpodcast
[Is Unmasking Realistic? | Episode XVII – Season 2, Episode 7]

The thing is, that if I would want to live in society and work in society with normal job etc. I wouldn’t be able to do it without a mask.

But who said that I would have to live in it and work in or for it?
The thing is, that for me it isn’t masking, when I don’t follow subjective thoughts about someone, while I know that someone else could have a different perspective, so I try to understand without necessarily support them.

In the past I sometimes even went too far with supporting others, for the sake of keeping the mask and because they were talking with me and I had to talk with them, so I had to reply in a way I thought they might want me to. But now I am more at a point where I could say what I would want to say because I know that what I thought was me, isn’t all of me, but the broken part of me. So I wouldn’t want to be angry against anyone, only if it would be necessary to show them something in a good way, and even then I wouldn’t be mad at them, just express something.

Unmasking for me is that I have nothing to fear anymore and that I could actually be free. Me being unmasked wouldn’t be harmful in the end because my natural me were always nice and understanding towards others, only when I thought that I should have to fit in or should ignore myself, I broke.

Therefor the thing is, while others might act mad towards others when they would me unmasked, this wouldn’t necessarily be the case for me because with my masks I actually get there more because they are working against me (the masks) in the end.

Everyone has to go their own path, that is for sure. And I might be one of a few very open people. For me the masks are the things breaking me because I can’t use my full potential and can’t tell people what I really think about them, what most of the time is actually positive and spoken in love even if they harmed me. Depeneding on the situation I could say something bad, but that is just because I still have to get to the true core of me again.
Because I just know that it is just good this way for me. If you can’t think about it this way and it is different for you, than your path is probably different.

As always, I am just sharing my states, my thoughs and experiences and all.
I didn’t turn on masks to mask my strangeness, I put them on to mask my broken parts or to seem like others. But my true self actually doesn’t need masks at all because it would be just naturally kind and peaceful and could talk with anyone, no matter what or who it is.

If this is not who you are or maybe not yet, then well, as I said, it might be different for you, but this is just my story. And I think you story will also get pretty interesting, if you start investigating on yourself.
Just don’t forget about the save space and the need for someone else.
Sometimes it might just be a stranger on the internet or a stranger in a bar, who knows. Just what is save for you and what feels really good when it comes to the gut (if you shouldn’t have a gut feeling, try to just think: “What do I really want?” when it comes to decisions and then maybe catch a feeling. If there still shouldn’t be a feeling, don’t worry, you will get it.
One does it this way, one that way and you have your own way.
If you should still feel lost or not understood, just leave a mail or comment or something. I am interested in the way you see the world. 🙂

It is still hard for me to say things I have to say or want to say because there is still all of this damage making it a very strange experience.
But I guess now talking can change into something good, finally after all these years, I can really talk about things without lying.

Still it feels weird and somewhat uncomfortable in some way, depending on the subject. But through all of this, I learned that what I originally thought, felt and naturally was and am, is actually what I should be like. And that what I thought to be myself, was just a broken mask as well. Masks on top of masks. Over the past 9 months or so, I got from nearly insane, to almost being one with everything quite naturally because it is who and what I was and am. A natural empath and one who wants to understand everything and everyone, to either help them, understand myself better or just to see what is possible.

While some of it, might be dangerous for some people (I mean really, not everyone should just do what I did, especially not the things like just walking outside alone in the dark at midnight). There could be evil people out there or maybe wild animals and if you aren’t ready yet for it and you just think because I did it and it seemed to help, you should try it out as well, could actually be not the point to start. You see I started with a deep depression and a state near madness sometimes and just recently I had some fall backs again. But this is just how it is, I learned that it is this way for me. And I figured out that for me there is nothing to fear in the forest because I know the forest well from my childhood and while I might have forgotten about some things, I still have them inside. So I can do this because I know that it is alright now.

If you can say the same for you, that you really don’t fear the darkness and what could be inside, than okay, go ahead and try it, but still it couldn’t be not your path. Only if your gut is telling you so, the heart you could say.

Either way, I want to support you in your journey, even if what I said might wasn’t what you wanted to hear. I am open for it. I still have to work on the part with the “not getting angry at people who have a different opinion”, but not I am not forcing myself to it, it is a natural thing for me. I just have to get it aligned with my basic empath, so that I wouldn’t go against my opinion to understand the other opinion. Because through things I didn’t want to hear about, or wasn’t supposed to hear, see, talk about, I learned more than things I should do or wanted more. This is a basic principle I would say and it also would work with an energy example again.

While you are negative, negative feel better because they are similar to what you feel. Meaning, if you are in pain, painful things, might be not painful for you, but just relfecting how you feel, so you feel better with them. And if you are positive, you just want to surround yourself with positive things. But in the end, either way, there probably won’t be much progress. While it could be a temporary defense mechanism sometimes, like an emergency situation in some way (either for yourself or in general), it shouldn’t be a thing for let’s say a couple of years in a row.

I personally was in it for over an decade in some way. Not constantly, but constantly in an unstable situation, in which I might felt stable even sometimes, while I never really was, only one move away from a total disaster. And sometimes it hit me, sometimes wide open for everyone to see and sometimes in secret, only for myself, which also wasn’t helpful.

While being in a negative situation (be it years, decades or just days or such), it is sometimes necessary to get in touch with something positive to make a difference. The problem here is, that it isn’t working in the way people think it works or should work.

So if I am for example the negative one and you would be the positive one (just how we would be in average over some time), then you might wonder how I could be so negative and maybe even want to stay there, while you are so positive, thinking totally different in that situation. So you might suggest to me, to watch a motivational movie, or you would give me positive literature, music and so on, because for you this gives you strength and support in what you are doing, being positive.

For me this would be at worst causing the opposite in this situation.
But you wouldn’t understand and I would probably think, that I might be the problem then and that nothing could get better, because good things aren’t just not meant for me. And this would just be this way in that situation. Most would point a dot behind it and close the story because this is indeed how it is for them. But now I don’t do this anymore. Now I will try to show from my perspective and words, how this could be solved, so that a positive one would be able to grow without falling into pain and a negative one without falling into false hope only to get worse afterwards.

If you have depression, positive speeches could help you, but don’t have to.
So some people might actually get out of misery through positive things, while others get worse because of them. This is why the answer is not for everyone maybe and also not a thing which just is, it is only one way.

So for a negative feeling person, there has to be a slow process starting.
For example if there should be someone else who might understand it or feel the same, or just is there for them, not giving them positive things forcing them to get positive or feel positive, but just be there and listen.

This would open the possibility to accept positivity over time, while positivity doesn’t have to be there all the time. So just to be clear, this process could just take a few months maybe, up to years. But if there is no one and nothing to start with yet, it might seem impossible or just fake.
I know that, I have been there.

So if instead of giving me positive things which help you, you should give me either negative things, which aren’t that negative or just in the middle.
And just be there not judging, even or especially when it should take quite some time for the process. We are all different and only why most babies come to birth after 9 months, it is possible to get even up to 10 months or just maybe 7 or 8. So 9 months are just “normal” and therefor the average.

While you might need 2 years to recover, another one might just need a few months. This is just how it is, we are all different in some way and it is good.
So just the presence of someone somewhat open for the negative one, while they are positive themselves, could open the negative one for positivity again or at all. And through this, the positive one might understand the negativity, if the act of caring is honest. This would be one way to grow in both directions. While there are also different possibilities. I would say that people who just need positive things surrounding them to survive and people who just need negative things surrounding them to survive, share the same problem. They fear something.

(Great movie by the way)

So while the one feeling pain and negative (even if they should think it just is realism and how things are), they actually not want to be there at least not all the time, but the fear of positive things is holding them back to get well, as strange as it sounds (I know what I am talking about). So they might know that things aren’t good how they are, but they fear it might be all there is, at least for them and that this might be how the world is, they just don’t understand everything or just don’t want to be a part of it and such things. So each positive thing which just ended up temporary supports this thoughts, creating an even deeper connection to negative or “realistic” thoughts. (I am not telling that thinking realistic is wrong, just that sometimes it could hold us back from things we just can’t understand yet)

So for them positive things are like negative things for the positive people, in some way. Sure a little different, but just to get a contrast and simpler view on it, let’s say it is the same. The positive one needs positive things all the time, to stay positive and negative things could really drags them down if they can’t hold something positive against it, but they usually see the world in an easier way or at least full of options and opportunities.

So they just block themselves from negative things as good as possible.
(When I talk about negative and positive people I am not labelling people or trying to say you are negative and you are positive. It is more of an example to explain how in a world of negative and positive energy people are) So one might be an evil person, but has a positive mindset, while a good person has a negative mindset. This doesn’t say that they are good or bad in general, it is just that negative and positive thoughts are out there.

And a positive one, might be able to grow facing negative things in a save space, with friends or other things which help them, while a negative one could do the same with positive things. And this doesn’t mean, that people have to be neutral in the end or just positive or realistic or anything.
When you reach a point in which you just know what I see when I am connected with it all, you will know. And for me it is less being neutral, but to understand. So while you might be a realist and I am a dreamer, in the end we might be both dreamer or realists. It depends on the point of view and situation. I can see a realistic point, while I also can see a dreamer’s perspective.

And the thing is that for one the realism might be positive while for another one it is negative. For me it is a more or less neutral thing with a tendency for negativity, just for the fact that realism always excludes things until they are realistic. So realism is a thing you have to understand and also be able to see, but you shouldn’t be fully commited to it from my perspective.

So for you realistic thinking might be the anchor and the thing which keeps you going and this is totally fine, if it is truely what you believe. For me it wasn’t and this is why it broke a part of me. I was always a dreamer, while I thought I had to become a realist and in the end I was both and neither of it.
Through this I learned both sides and for me both are good now in their own way.

If for you dreaming feels harmful right now, let’s say thinking about a free life, without a job, without pain and so on, I can totally understand that.
And you shouldn’t force yourself to dream in this situation because forcing doesn’t help, it never helped me. Sometimes it might didn’t harm me, but it never really helped me, it only seemed to help sometimes, but it was just a false hope in the end or just me pretending it to be good because everyone thought it would be good.

Still not being able to dream at all, is a problem as well.
So you should start it depending on your feeling. And if you should maybe just feel like going out for a walk into a direction you never went before, than this might be all you need to do right now, it is all the current step wants to show you, wants to help you with. And maybe then something unexpected happens. I am not here to say that everything will emidiatly get better or that you will emidiatly learn and grow (mindest / state of mind and soul), it takes time. Maybe you will get beaten down some times at first even though you followed your gut. I sure got beaten down, but in my case because I didn’t listen to it. Each time I followed it, it was a good thing in the end. So even the bad things, but it needed some time to realize it, to process it and to over all trust it and myself with it.

So sure in some way this is about getting people to be neutral in the end in some way, but not neutral in the way of not caring or giving a dam about others who might need help, just about people who just aren’t there yet and even care for them, in some way. So for me the word neutral implies to not really care about either side. But that wouldn’t be what I really think of.
For me it would be to love everyone, while not necessarily love everything they do. So if there is someone who killed a girl, just for the sake of it, it seems. It wasn’t good, the act of killing wasn’t good, but the killer is still a living being, no matter how broken, how evil or lost. And the girl won’t come back, at least it is just dead, living on somewhere else, in another way.

But usually people than put hate on the killer, want to kill him even and so on. This is normal, I mean, would you say: “Thank you for killing my dauther.” to her killer? Or “I am glad you are still alive.”?

Of course not, it could be even seen as getting crazy to do so because of the shock and loss. So usually the parents or relatives etc. would want the killer to die or at least get the highest possible sentence (which sometimes is death). I think we can all understand that. But nonetheless, the other one is still a human as well and for whatever reason they did what they did, they could get out of it. And while I can understand that the people who lost one because of this person, aren’t able to show love towards the killer, maybe the lack of real love caused all of this in the first place.

I am not telling that you have to forgive and then even love the killer, but we should be able to. And I know that it is hard and that most of us can’t do it. I know and I won’t force it because forcing won’t help a thing.

Bad things which happened can’t be undone and in the end they always turn out to be a lesson for someone. Maybe even 100 years after the actual event. This doesn’t mean that doing bad things is a good thing, it just means that while it is indeed bad, it could be turned into something in the end.

So for example if for whatever reason the father of the killed daughter should somehow get through the pain, the suffering, the rage, the hate, to come to the point to after all, show love towards the killer. What would happen? Just imagine that the father would go to prison (in case the killer was caught of course) and would be able to visit the killer, but not to do anything stupid, but because he wants to show him love.

The killer would probably think, well now he will probably kill me or at least try to and then the farther would just hug him and speak to him with kindness. How would the killer react? Maybe he would react rude, maybe he would start crying, who knows. It could all go wrong, it always can, but this farther followed his believe and then in this example story, the killer broke down and cried, wanted to face the sentence and wanted to revert everything wrong which was caused by him. And the farther would just be there, listening, caring and not judging. (Man I started to get tears in my eyes while thinking about it – because of love) In the end from a killer, the man turned into a nice person, helping others on the streets, in the dark spots, because he knew them well. (This is just a fictional story, but just imagine this.)

No I am not an angel, while I might am one.
It depends on the view. I might be one with God, while I might just be somewhere, something else. For you things are different probably, but maybe we aren’t that different in the end. If you can see beyond the limits you either set yourself or others told you about, there really is so much excitement awaiting us, while there also is so much pain on the other hand.

It is easy to say things like: “Let go” or “get over with it”, but we can’t just let go, not always and sometimes maybe never, it seems.
Forgiveness is love, love can cause pain and pain can lead to love, while love can bring happiness. Love is more like a connection than a single thing.
Love for me is like being connected with all things, everyone, everything.
Love is also like being able to feel at all. So crying is love for me, while laughing is love for me as well, but only when I do it because I really feel something, not by faking it or forcing it in some way.

So for me, when Jesus was talking about love your enemy, it was about understanding the enemy, giving him a chance to understand you.
Be there for the enemy and for everyone in general. Showing respect and open arms depending on the situation, but also not just serving him, but telling the enemy the truth. Truth isn’t hate, truth isn’t negative, truth doesn’t have to be positive, truth with love is ultimate truth, even though it might be just true for you. If it feels good and right and you can love the way things are, it is the truth.

And for me loving God as God loves us, might just mean that the higher, universal conciousness is connected to us and if we connect ourselves towards it, we will be whole trough and with it. So love might not be what you think and also I still have to figure it out more and more.
While it seems that I have all the answers (sometimes) and that all of it is just strange, crazy writing (on other times), it is my process and progress to heal, to understand and to be who I really am and always was inside.

So you don’t have to love all bad things, but still love the soul, connect to it, understand each other and share your soul experiences and connection, you love. So love means true connection with something or the willingness to give a connection, to be open. While it might be hard sometimes, while it might seem undoable even.

I know you maybe can’t understand it yet or maybe don’t even want to think about all of this at all. I was there at points and maybe later or tomorrow I could be in a negative gap a gain, hit by a negative bullet.
But I will get out again. If you think about God as the universal concsiousness, it is possible that you are the one who will do what you want God to do in the end because God will help you do it in the end.

And I know this sounds like a flaw or fake, I know because I believed it to be fake as well before. Just because it seemed to be all so fake and still is in most cases. But the truth behind everything is very gigantic and overwhelming. So if you need help and you really want help, but there is noone helping you, at some point this deep need could open a connection to someone else who is open for a connection and therefor love (not necessarily as a love, more like a best friend and soul mate maybe).

If you are ready to turn of the limits, to make everything possible, everything is possible. If you can see things in another light, you will see more. Not all these words, are my words, but maybe this is the point because if we all are connected more or less, through one master conciousness, one connection watching over us all, through us all, leaving us as cells of it, then we are cells of a mind, of a God yet to be one.

So if you think about humanity as one big brain. Then it started very little, however it started in the end. And then there were more and more humans, like brain cells in the brain. So while the single cell of the brain isn’t able to understand everything on its own, it is still a part of it all. So if you consider Jesus as the first cell in the brain which could be the first thought about love, then most cells ignored it or didn’t understand it because brain cells are all different in some way, the have different data, different functions.
And still if you for example get a thought, you want to keep and focus on, this thought becomes stronger because more and more brain cells are focusing or aligning with it.

The same would be the case with Jesus if he would have been a thought, like one you might have right now, just a small thought, maybe gone in a second, in a minute. And either you catch it or it might be gone.
And because he wasn’t alone in the end and it wasn’t all lost, the data he had and the way he was, wasn’t lost. Like thoughts the brain saves up for later, or thoughts which are there, but just not strong. While during the centuries still some people got to see and be at least in some way connected with it, there wasn’t one quite like him since. Still there might have been some who were nearer to him than others. But it is not competition, if you think about it in brain cells. And the bigger the brain gets, the harder it gets for a small thought to survive because if the other cells are against it or simple don’t understand it, the overall mindset would be against it for the most part. So we are at a point now, in which this small cell might be able to show its power again. And it probably will be way different from what we little cells think, but it is just amazing to think about all this in this way.

Thanks for reading. 🙂 I wish you love and I love you. I am connecting to you, if you want me to. 💗

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