Day 49 (morning)

I noticed that while listening to my own music and in general to music my hearts seems to beat faster, sometimes even to a point where it starts to struggle because it probably can’t keep up, then I am shaking, as well as when I am eating, not always but way too often.

Music activates a lot in the brain, so the brain needs air and blood, so the heart has to work harder. And I guess it won’t do it long enough. Yesterday I noticed that my feet were all read, while I was just standing in the kitchen for a while and my fingers were white compared to the rest of my body.
So it is getting worse with my heart. But the cold and the purple and such things aren’t new, I have these things for some years now and the cold fingers since secondary school. I know that part of it is caused by not doing sports and not eating healthy, but the rest is probably related to my mental health and soul. My mother told me yesterday that as a kid I once said that my heart did hurt, while we were driving with the car somewhere because she couldn’t get the radio working and maybe something else was wrong as well, I don’t know. It is all a little. But I know in the forest it gets calm and when I am happy it seems to heal a little. I don’t want to die like this, while I want to die like this. :-/ Strange but true.

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