Day 49 (late night)

Yeah I doesn’t feel that good, but what should I say. But I think it is just the heart for now. But I am okay in the mind, just the heart is struggling with beating. After standing around a while and cleaning the kitchen in Denkendorf, I in the end almost felt as if I would zip out when where were talking with the flat owners. I then went to the car and layed down until my mother was finished. It got a little better then.

But it is still there. And I know why, or at least what things are possible and caused it. So there is no need for diagnoses or hints. As I said, I probably don’t have much time, while I could also get old, if I am should get through with my problems. Most physical damage and problems are related to my broken mind and soul.

When it shouldn’t be possible or when I should feel the need for a doctor, I would get there or at worst when I should just fall down losing my vision, of course. But I can’t just go to the doctor for many reasons. At it would be worse for me, to hear things like “You have to do sports”, “You have to eat properly”, I might be this, it might be that and at some point you were fat. Or something like that. I know these things, but usually the doctors said such things, so I thought, thanks, I already know.

So I know that a doctor could help, but only if I could just get there and get a real diagnose and that they really investigate it, without much talking. Sadly I don’t think this will happen, only in a situation like two years ago, when I almost died. We will see. I will probably go into the forest again, some time later. There it can calm down a little.

It felt as if there was a part of the heart not being able to pump blood or even blocked at all. In reality it might be something else, but still a serious problem. And guess who was at the doctor some years ago and got told it was normal? Exactly.

Maybe I will be able to say what I want soon, so that I could actually get help. But it didn’t work in the past and even in January it didn’t.

I am working on it. You see, it is more painful for me to get to the doctor, after not wanting to go there in a long time, because of the fear to be misunderstood again and not being able to say it, just to get misunderstood again. As I said, two years ago, I almost died because of this fear and also because I actually wanted to die in the end, but still I got to the doctor and it was another doctor because mine were in vacations or something. This doctor took me serious. But well, most others didn’t. Even the ones in the hospital didn’t at first.

No one believed that it could be that serious except for my mother an me of course, but I always said, that I didn’t want to go to the doctor until it wasn’t an option to talk because I almost had no energy to say things.

This time I hope it will be different and that when I should get myself to go to the doctor, I will get the help I need. Otherwise it could probably cause another major damage or at least trigger something again.

It is not that I don’t want help, or don’t know that it would help. I know, but I can’t stand this insane state of being treated like an idiot, while I am not and it is serious, but I am not able to really tell it.

It is like, I am writing all of this to you, but if the doctor would then ask about it, I would say: It hurts. A very good answer. Then the doctor would say, where does it hurt? Here. (pointing at heart)
For how long? – For some time now.
Weeks, months? – Longer.

I would play this game, while it isn’t a game, to a point in which the doctor usually things, it is not that serious and well the how long part actually wasn’t a question so far. At least not like this.

So yeah, it seems silly and almost insane to not go to the doctor, when I know that I have a serious problem only the doctor could probably help me with. But this is how it is for me because of this distrust and psychological pain I associate with doctors.

It is like I have to tell the doctor that I am fine, while I know I am not and that is why I am going there, but then I am leaving without help because I messed it up.

Oof.

I already survived almost 22 years and I have heart attacks since I was just a few years old, so maybe 4 or 5. So it probably won’t kill me now, but it sure could. I know the risk, I know that other people might would try to get a paper to force me into seeing a doctor. But then for what reason? If the problem isn’t that I would take the help, but getting proper help seems like a problem as well.

If I would just have to go there and the doctor would just know what I want and what the problem is, I could just get some medicine or maybe another surgery or something. The problem is, that I am not acting as if it would be serious, sometimes even might to seem as if I would make it up or something. And then if someone found about that there indeed was a problem, the often look weird and say, why didn’t you come earlier.

Well….. I tried… I really did. With my heart, with my gall stones (I didn’t know about them, but I knew it was serious at that point), my mental health. I always went to the doctor and always didn’t get help, not the help I actually needed. 😀 Well shit… but luckily the other doctor took it serious, partially because of the physical visible damage I guess. Because I probably seemed normal to her when I got in first. With the other doctor at worst I could have gotten the same diagnose as last time and then may have died some days later or the same day. I mean just the worst case, but possible.

The problem is the image of my family and how I act out and acting out as if I wouldn’t have a problem, while I have a big problem, is very strange and very dangerous. Because it could cost my life. I sure partially actually want that, but I still wanted to live if there should be a chance that things could get better. Now I know they can and still we are here again, with the doctor question and the do I really want to live? – Yes, I really want to live, but only if the world won’t turn the same way or I could get through with my self-therapy.

I could also just have diabetis (wouldn’t be a wonder in some way).
But then still, I wouldn’t want to get the medicine because in the end I wouldn’t survive without it. I want to live or die, depending on how it is possible for me to live without being a problem in some way. (very egoistic and empathic)