Day 48 (first hours)

Okay I guess it is time for the forest again. I learned a lot about my state of mind again this week. I hope it will help me to recover and also to get well in general, not just for some time until everything breaks apart again, or sometimes even just for some hours.

I hope this is somewhat helpful and please don’t try to say helpful things to me, it won’t help. Really, it won’t in most cases and maybe even makes things worse. I just want to know that it will be alright in the end.
I am a kind hearted and open soul, I want to understand everything in my own way and I also have to do it in my own way. Otherwise I would only block myself again and so on.

Most of my problems were the way I noticed them, but I never really trusted my own thoughts, so they became strange and broken.
I knew I was different, when I was a kid and during the years I figured out my problems and other things on my own. But each time someone else told me how it goes or how things are, I broke my experiences and thoughts because they must be all wrong, or so I thought. In reality, sure not all was right from the beginning, but when you give me space, I will figure it out on my own, always. No matter what. Be it learning a language, programming, writing, other things, maybe sports (not doing sport atm).

I can do it and I will, but after all these years of self torturing mentally and other people thinking they know what is right and good for me, I still have a lot to go through. But I will and I will go out as a hero in the end. But it takes time, energy and most of all, no forced things, like therapy, people who know better or such things. I know what I am talking about here. While not all of what I wrote so far might always be my opinion, it sure was and is in some situations and moods. But over all stands peace and love. Even when I don’t feel like it. I always know, that this is what I really want. I just sometimes can’t believe in it.

Okay time for the forest. The feeling is getting stronger again.
Part of it is physically I guess, but the rest is the pain.
Till later. Maybe with a new track. 🙂

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