Day 47 (morning)

The wind outside is strong again. This stormy weather doesn’t end it seems, just some short breaks in between, maybe a day without rain and less wind.
This is not normal, is it? 6 weeks of almost constant raining, snowing and stormy weather in general. But all could be just my own perspective.

Even my self diagnoses could all be wrong of course, but I tried to look into all the things before I would make a decision and self diagnoses are based on what I know. So it could be right and is very likely to be right, but still I have nothing to prove it, I guess. Not for others, but for myself. Just so that I would know, that it would be right. Because if I would ask a psychiatrist or psychologist etc. I would only get the answers I already know.

They can’t look beyond the things I am giving them, so it is hopeless to try to get a diagnose from someone else, if all they have to make their decision is what I give them. I could just play nice and they say I am fine. This actually was the case with the psychiatrist I went to. He even said, that he can’t help and yes he really couldn’t. I don’t even know how he got his job because he didn’t even understand my family situation and even supported my father it seemed.

At least he got me 6 weeks in a clinic to calm down and while the clinic didn’t really help much, the other young people like me helped just by being there and who they were. I am the only one who can help myself and I still can’t tell whether it would be a good idea to do so. So far I am still just surviving in some way, while I put out music and words. And if I would want to get back in the so called society, I shouldn’t write all of this here.
But I do it because I know that everyone could see it, I just can’t stand the masks anymore.

I got used to not wear a mask the last months, but yesterday was pretty strange. I guess I didn’t look to strange when I was talking to the other people, but I sure acted a little weird. After that it just hurt so much because I tried to wear the mask, but it just hurts… Tonight I played M&B Warband for several hours, I relaxed for the most part, listened to some good music and just forgot about the problems. But now they are coming back (of course).

And I guess my heart is physically damaged as the soul related to it.
Sometimes feelings or thoughts get my heart to stop beating or almost get a stroke, sometimes it is physically, when I eat for example. Not always, but way too often. I didn’t have this just a year ago, at least it wasn’t like this. Maybe the brain just ignored it because I ignored everything related to my own health, feelings etc. Well not always and not everything all the time, but in general. Now it is all open. And I am still not sure whether this Almanac thingy is good or bad for me (in other words, whether I wanted this to help me or to destroy me).

Both is possible, even at the same time. While it helps me to clear my thoughts and also think about things in a different way, I also create a collection of problems others can use against me. And maybe I want them to. Maybe I just want to be, maybe it is just here to help me, or altogether working together and against me, while it helps me.

If I would know that in a year I would be really better than now and not just pretending or faking or blocking things, but really feeling good and free. I guess except for my early childhood, I never really had a true freedom to be who I was, but it was more a society and mental thing and people telling things, together with many misunderstandings and bad situations. Something broke for sure, my soul and spirit, even the body in some way. Only because I probably have some warrior and survivor genes, this body is still “working” so well. But it already starts to fail with my heart.
Man I was so ready to die when I got into the surgery two years ago, but I knew that I would probably survive… So fucked up altogether.

And I know that there were days when I felt free, when I felt real and good.
But compared to what it was the most time, I would say, I just existed to exist because I had to.

But if it was just for these past months, when I could deeply feel love, sadness and happiness, I don’t regret it. I just don’t want to stay in this state I am in when I am not feeling or just act angry and mean. And I also don’t want to be a burden for my mother. I know she loves me, I love her and I know she is broken too. It just doesn’t make things better, only worse because be both don’t want it to be like this. My mother works for my father the whole time, since I was 2-3 years old and now I worked just 2 years and some months and I am already not able to do it anymore. And I know she also went through hell some decades ago.

The problem is that I can’t do anything, I can’t die because it would only cause more pain for her, I can’t live because I don’t really know how living works, while I know it. I know many ways of living, I just can’t let myself live because I fear to become a horrible person, even more. And I know that the actual me isn’t horrible, it is kind, nice, helpful and full of love. I am just doing this because I know that I reached the point of not caring about others at all last year, when it comes to suicide and also the point of actually trying it, while before I just knew it wouldn’t work.

Because of this I released my soul out of the prison and now I have to either help her or let her go, but if the situation doesn’t change soon, it might die with me and I don’t want it to end this way. All I want is to be sure that what I am doing is okay and that it will be alright. But noone can give me that, except myself when I am deeply connected (in the forest for example).

But as soon as I get out again, I question everything or if not on the same day, then on the next day. So that it doesn’t matter what positive I find and think, while I know everything will be find because I still can’t really trust myself. Maybe one day, when I successfully got the forest in my head or myself into the forest (living in some forest). And sorry for repeating many things… this is just how my brain works. Actually most brains repeat things over and over again, but they do this in the background. My operating system just isn’t working properly.

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