Day 47 (late night)

What ever happens, we can’t lose, if we can trust that it all had to come this way. But that we will win no matter what. If we die, we win, if we survive it, we will win and if it should not be the end, we win as well. So either way, we can just win. Now that people start to realize that nothing will stay the same, maybe we will find a way to live. The only thing which still drags me down, is that I can’t believe that this is really happening and that in a year all will be “normal” again in some way. It is strange because I also don’t want all these people to die, but well some things just happen I guess.

I probably was right about not having much time in December / January.
I didn’t know about that virus back then, or if so, than just that it was in China. So I didn’t think that it would get this far back then. I just felt that I don’t have much time. Maybe because I will die soon, no matter what, maybe because shit will go down now. I don’t know. It all is so strange.

One part of me is happy about all of this because it would mean that I won’t have to go on like this for a long time or maybe find a way to live the way I would want to live or could live in the end. Another part is horrified because so many people will die and it hopes that not the most loved will die too. In general I don’t fear it because I have nothing to fear, as I said, I can only win. I only lose if life would go on like this for let’s say another decade, then I would lose, yes and probably decide to end it before it would be too late or before the damage would be too big.

And especially now we should forget about other people. If only we survive for the sake of it, what for? If everyone we loved or cared for would be dead, for what would we survive? Sure you could find new people, maybe.
But then maybe you wouldn’t want your loved ones survive only to get killed by raiders (depending on the aftermath).

Just imagine a camp in the forest. Far away from cities, other people, problems. Just some “cool” / nice people. Sure it wouldn’t be easy, but it never was. But in the forest camp we could live the way we wanted all this time. At least those who can relate.

It is really strange how I am opening up and the world is ending (maybe).
Was I the trigger. No of course not, I am just a bit in a billion.
Still I wonder, how much ones decision, ones thoughts and feelings can change the worlds turning, history and present, future and views.
Maybe even the way we live. I mean wasn’t it always just a few or even just one who changed a lot? Often not the ones presented in the public, but still just a few people. Take Tesla, take Davinci, and all these gifted people.
Some of them might have been evil, some of them godlike and some were just humans like us all, but they did what they had to do or needed to do.
Some had to sacrifice things more than others. But at some point there always has been a loss.

Without some pain, there can’t be real love. But pain shouldn’t be the condition for love and also not the other way around. Pain just happens to be related to love, as well as joy and peace sometimes. And when I am talking about love, I am talking about general love, not for one human or for something, but the general ability and presence of love.

When I talk about acting because of feelings I am not talking about the rage you might feel, the hate, the love you feel in one moment. I am talking about the gut feeling. And well, sometimes the other feelings are overwhelming, sometimes you can’t feel a thing. For there is a difference between feeling for myself and just feeling. My words are often misleading, confusing and sometimes even radical in some way, while all I want is that love towards each one and everything, would be possible for everyone.
It is hard to love someone who did a horrible thing to do or people you care about, I know. Just don’t let the hate take over your heart. Hate comes sometimes, but when you know, that it will only make things worse, you know that you can only love. (Yes this is weird and I also have to still “learn” this, which means that I have to live it fully, but this is just how it is for me.)

My current question to myself is: Is it still just the deathwish, is it bravery or am I just learning the way of love and peace for real? If there would be someone no matter who, crying for help, no matter where, no matter when, no matter in what situation, would I go and help? Would I risk to get shot, would I just go there anyways, without thinking twice, without think about myself? At the moment, I would probably still wait, still think, still fear to do something wrong. But I guess only if I wouldn’t be sure about the situation.
If for example someone would be in a clear situation, I would probably try my best to help or just be there.

Only if the situation wouldn’t be clear, for example people just talking strange with each other, maybe they “just” have a relationship problem, maybe they just talk this way? And then it would be wrong to do something for me, in my current thinking. But if I would overcome it all, I would just talk to them anyways and if it should turn out to be alright or none of my business, okay. But I guess it would be better do speak up, when it feels wrong, because you want to help, than to speak up just for yourself or not at all. – I still have to live this which every cell and not just a part of me.

And you can never be sure about me because in one moment, I am happy, the next moment I am deeply depressed, then I am crying because a movie scene, than I am shouting at someone and then I am just a pretender for whatever is to pretend, be it sane or insane, I don’t know when, but it changes at points. Sometimes I know why it changed, sometimes it just happened at some point unnoticed.

At least I still know that I was a good kid when I was little and I only got broken over time because of all the things which happened and just my environment and all. So I can fix myself. Without knowing the problem, you can’t fix it. So now that I more and more get to the bottom of it, I can more and more heal or at least start to heal parts of me. It is more than I ever achieved, but the deathwish thread is still running and the manipulator as well. So you never know. At least now most of the time the soul is in charge and with it the good parts of my brain. Sadly it can change just in a moment, from total peace and love to hate and destruction.