Day 46 (until dawn)

I found out about BPD (borderline personality disorder) today. I just see these disorders as descriptions of people’s current state, rather than always a real disorder or illness. While it is possible to debate about labelling and so on and the medical view, you know that I hate these things when it comes to not really care for people, but this is why I have to look into them. Otherwise I would not know some things. I always looked into everything, to understand. Some things weren’t good for me, but I wasn’t the one who started it, not really. I just wanted to know why others do what they do and some of these things were bad for me. Sure, still I would have found out about them either way, I guess. I still want to understand things, I am still not dead and my soul is still here. I got the manipulator down again after I went to bed yesterday evening. But I don’t know about today. Maybe it will get the upper hand later again because of the things I have to do.
I should probably go into the forest soon, to relax again.

I was smart enough to know, that people would try to search help for me, I don’t need because it won’t help. So I didn’t cut myself, I just started to destroy my own mind and soul over time. When I was in secondary school I started this plan to slowely break me. I knew I couldn’t kill myself, but I wanted to, so I knew I had to manipulate myself to get me to this point. While it partially wasn’t me, I even supported it and tried to hide it away because I knew, if someone would see it, they would try something.

I couldn’t hide all of my brain because the other part of me wanted to get better, but actually I was still working on this plan the whole time.
At least now, that I almost reached both goals, to be finally dead and to finally live, I see that I was always working on two threads at least. And now it is time to make peace, to make them work together and not against each other. It is time for forgiveness and love. I already tried with love and forgiveness, but it is hard. I will continue today.

I know that I just developed all of this because of things which happened in my past and to this day. But now the real problems which caused all of this are gone for the most part. Not all, but now I could handle them. It is the hardest fight because it will never really end I guess, but I know it is worth it. For all good I could do, I do and will do. For all good what will come from it and for all the others like me, like us. It might seem like a hopeless fight, but it was all the time, now it got meaning and this meaning grows.
I have to fight for the people I love and I am one of them. Otherwise the evil will win no matter what.

You never know what will happen, when you believe that everything is possible. And it is good, because this means that everything good could happen too.

Often we don’t know anymore who we were, who we are at all, if we were ever at all. But this is the problem. We have to know ourselves truly because we are better with our souls. With our souls and love towards it, we will be good, even if they say we are not. Our soul sisters will see us for who we truly are, a good soul, if we let it. If we have a broken soul, it might be broken, but it is broken because it was good and is good.

This is what 2:01 / 2:1 got me:

1 Timothy 2:1
“I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people”

(spoiler alert for I am not okay with this, I guess)

I really have to get into the forest now. Otherwise the negative pressure might get power again. Not because of the music, but because I still have the self-questioning problem it can exploit. The lack of self-trust, I developed over time and even caused myself partially, to make it worse. It is time to heal, to love and forgive. I am my past, my present and my future, but only all together. Otherwise I would be lost in memories, dreams or just in a daily battle. I am all the good things I did in my past, all the bad things, because this is who I was. I am all good I do now and all bad, this is who I am now.

And I will be all good and bad in the future, therefor I will be myself in everything. My mistakes are there to be a lesson for me and others. My good actions and ideas are here to light the dark and help others.
If I personally say: “I am not my past” I would be, just a broken one, but I wasn’t always. This is why, for me this phrase does not work. It only would work, if only the negative would be meant with it. But for me it means all and not all was bad.

Into the forest it goes. 🙂
Just for a walk, to stand there or lay down a while.
See you later.

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