Day 46 (first hours)

I am stopping all self manipulation protocols now.
I slept until now since yesterday early evening.
Now I just feel weak, done and tired. Partially because I am still tired and partially because of what happened yesterday.
My heart were shaking again and I was in a highly critical state.
Gladly I just went to bed and after listening my latest track again (which stopped at 2:01) I fell asleep soon after.

It is still scary how the YouTube algorithm or everything around me reacts to my feelings because I didn’t search for the music, it just popped up like this, even in ads. It is scary and maybe I am still dreaming, maybe I am in hell already. Who knows. I am just done tonight…

At 10 AM I have to be at the bank to handle some contracts and other things and then I also have to go to the town hall to tell them, that I am not fully living here again. All these uncesseray things which shoudln’t have been needed or done …

Because it is related or misinterpretated for being bipolar and or PTSD, I guess, that this is describes best what is going on with me.
So BPD it is I guess. Therefor I diagnosed myself pretty well, for not being a psychotherapist, I just didn’t know about this one. So While I first thought it might be bipolar and or PTSD in turns out it is BPD. And that I was right about, that noone can help me. I mean sure people can be there, but only I can really help myself.

This said, I also stated that medication most likely won’t help me or just make it worse, also found in this article. Therefor I knew what I had, but I just had no name for it. If there should be any other mental illness / disorder related to this, okay. But so far this describes best how I feel and function most of the time, while good environments almost always removed my negative symptoms. So when I just would be able to be in a good environment without stress (or as little as possible), I could probably recover pretty quickly (when I really work on myself with others).

So my trial to get away from the bad habit of treating my problems with masturbation related to watching porn, was not successful so far, but it got better. (This said, just an hour ago I did it again because of what was yesterday and I just gave up to the brain wanting it). On the other hand in the past months I also had weeks without masturbation and I didn’t even feel the need for it, so not even a struggle. I never really had this in years, so it is progress. My experiences and progress in the forest are also good because they calm me, make me stronger and seem to help in some way.

I guess I am really my own best therapist, mentor and master, if I trust I can trust in myself. I knew it all, but because I didn’t really trust it, I always changed my opinion, thought, probably someone else is right. But no, I actually was right about most things. And yes my opinions may changed a little over time, but everyone changes a little over time and it is normal.

So with this diagnosis I have an even better understanding of myself and knowing that I can actually help myself best with what I think really helps, is a good thing. And that things I considered as negative or not helpful, also were pointed out as not good or at least not really helpful to even making things worse, like medication for example.

While some medications might helped, others even made things worse or just had no effect which results in the statement, that medication is not helping me. Masturbation and the release of serotonin and such things always calmed me, but on the other hand the whole thing made everything worse. Because I actually didn’t really want it, while a part of me just wanted it all the time. Since I was in elementary school. Fuck man… I mean I wanted sex when it wasn’t even possible. But now that I know, my state is pretty messed up, while there is hope for me, if I can do what I know will help, I can work on it, I hope.

I just saw this yesterday or the day before, but didn’t watch it.
Then today I just researched “borderline disorder” and well, I should have watched it yesterday, but on the other hand I am glad I didn’t, otherwise it would have supported the suicidal thoughts even more. BPD it is.

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