Day 46 (early morning)

I was in the forest for 1-2 hours and before I entered it on the road between the fields, I noticed two small dark things on the field next to me. At first I thought, maybe it is just some dirt and my brain thinks there is something, but then I thought, maybe there are wild boars. In the same moment one of them made a noise and the ran off into the forest. I tried to turn on the flash light, but they were already out of reach. They were just around 5 meters away from me and they didn’t notice me until I thought about them.

I truly am connected with everything. Just the thought triggered it. Usually these animals run away much quicker. They probably searched for food or water, I don’t know. But after that I felt good.

It was stormy tonight again, but more wind than rain and it actually felt good and refreshing. The whole walk was pure therapy again and I felt so much love and peace, while some trees even were making noise because the wind was moving them. When I reach the bench in the middle of the forest I sat down and was just breathing.

I thought about things, like what I was talking about with my mother.
For example that she also had thoughts about why there is hell and why some will go there. And she then thought, that she can’t be kinder than God (christian god in here case). For this was a clear hint combined with Altered Carbon. While the one of the two who were the same, said I will follow her, the other said, she teached me, to question things. And therefor, this might be a question we should ask.

When most people are more focused on their self or other things, is it bad to not want anyone to get into hell (or just suffer in general)? This is why I recently asked the question: Could you forgive the devil? Because when it comes to the bible, it is clear that he will end up in eternal fire for what he did, in the end, when all is over. But on the other hand, Moses did question God and also other people in the bible and God often replied kindly and sometimes even accepted what they suggested.

So whether you believe in God the almighty or in a higher being, an universal conciousness and so on, it doesn’t really matter, at least not for me because in some way it is all connected. The point is. When the a human questions its love and kindness because of what others believe or told them, then this is horrible. And my mother did so as well as me. But while she has another believe and some other problems, we both want the same. We want to help others and ourselves. We want peace, we want freedom and no suffering.

For my part, when I feel love for anyone, why should it be a problem?
If you have a child and the child you have, loves things you can’t love, would you hate the child for it or would you try to understand?
Even if there should be another being out there who once called itself our God, if we really would be able to be kinder than it, wouldn’t it also benefit from it, wouldn’t everyone any everything benefit from it?

I also thought about motivational phrases like “Just DO IT! Make you dreams come true!” and such things. These phrases usually make me even feel worse or more depressed because I sabotaged myself to not succeed because I thought that I was a problem. And I also thought that there was no hope. I often tried things, started things, but after a short time I stopped again. So I started to think, that whatever I do will only end up as bad, pointless, meaningless and sometimes just stupid. So “just” doing it or something, is not always good. In my case, I have all mental tools, all mental weapons and also knowledge to be healthy, to feel good, I have it all.

But I feared to be wrong, to in the end just do it all to harm others or to rest upon things and use others for my own benefit. And I also harmed my mother for a long time now because of my broken state. In the beginning I was just sad, but in the end I first just stopped talking about things and also got angry for nothing sometimes and I broke. But inside I was broken since my childhood for several reasons.

I tried to be happy, sometimes I was happy, but it got less and less because I wasn’t living. I just pretended to, I had to finish school, had to get a job and had to get money, to fix all the problems of my family. At least that is what I lived for the last decade or more.

I sure had dreams again and again, tried to have hope, sometimes thought, now it will be good. But it never was long enough, always stopped at one point. And now I am starting to recover from it, by fighting for my life.
For life in general. I just need time and no pressure, otherwise I will probably end it because it needs time, after so many years 2/3 of my life.
I have to recover a lot, but I already recovered so much in just half a year and therefor I believe in it, I believe that I can recover from it. Not just temporarily, but forever. Just not in this environment I think, not if it doesn’t change soon.

When I got out of the forest, the birds were greeting me again.
It was so good in the forest tonight, despite some hallos I had, I just thought there was a light once (maybe it actually was a light from a car somehow), or some things moving in the dark, but there was nothing. I believe that it was because of the chemicals I had in my brain after masturbation. While they calm me a little, they also cause such things. I am kinda high when I masturbated, especially with two doses, but today I only had one and I actually don’t want any anymore. It is just the old habit kicking in, when the manipulator has control.

If I would take real drugs, I would probably got nuts for real.
I mean, when I already get high from things like this.
This happens when you are highly sensitive and it is good because I don’t need drugs to get high, when I know that everything will be fine.
And the forest really has its own magic. I even thought about walking through another forest soon, I didn’t want to walk through in August last year, when I had my first extreme walk.

I walked for over 30km in one night, without water and just a can with some soup. But back then I was still afraid of the darkness and it all just started to get worse. After December it got better in some way and I believe that it is getting better now. Not each day, days like yesterday show me, that the damage is still pretty heavy. But yeah, healing is not linear and I just know that the forest walks get better and better in general. Thank you forest, thank you master, thank you to myself and also thank YOU for reading. 🙂

I can just highly recommend the movie: Les Choristes

It is pretty hard to stay calm and happy outside of the forest.
But I am trying to today. It had to get worse to get better.
And I had to get to this point in early December, to wake up. A worrior has to go a different path then others and I am a warrior of peace, if you know IP MAN, you know what I am walking about. A true legend.

I have to do everything on my own, but not alone, just on my own with the knowledge that what I am doing is good and will be good and with love from others and love is what I want to give to everyone. It is just hard to stay true to it, when I am still so heavy damaged and still easily triggered by these normal things, like filling in some documents or such things.

Today I will challenge myself because I will have to do such things today and talk with some people. I can do this, but it is hard. (I love you!)
Thank you. 🙂

Me yesterday afternoon and evening

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.