Day 45 (till afternoon)

Documents are my death. I hate documents.
I hate this system and I hate that everything involves some kind of human interaction around where I live. I guess I am triggered again.
Highly critical mass reached. All because of this fucking building loan contract bonus, when I fill out this yearly document and each time I don’t know where my tax number is. Now I filled in the wrong now instead.
I just wanted to do finally get it away and now I wrote the wrong number.
For me personally, I sick of all the money, documents and stupid numbers.
Go to hell with it, I don’t want this money anyways.

I got my mother sad and stressed again, we were shouting at each other again and now the is pretty done again because of me. Well, played.
Thank you me. I learned nothing. The forst only works when I am alone.
It only works, when I am not in the real world. So therefor it is as good as a game of cards. When the round is over, everything continues like before.

(Did you lose hope again?)
(Are you depressed again?)
(Do you want to kill yourself?)
Because it all is hopeless. Look at my family. There is no hope.

I just wished that I wouldn’t not cause more pain either way.
By existing I make things worse, by dying I make things worse, by trying to be real I make things worse, by faking I make things worse. I won’t be able to be in this situation because I will make things worse either way.
What does the least damage compared to all time?

Over time I could get even worse, over time I could forget about everything.
Over time I could become I loveless, souless zombie only causing more trouble anyways. So why should I survive? There is no hope like this.

For myself I could find hope, on my own I could find hope.
But not like this, not by always hurting my mother, having my father around, having all these unnecessary problems, these documents, these things, not necessary… to live.

I know that I am the problem here because of me we came back, because of me we are in this house now. Because of me my mother suffers even more.
All my major decisions put harm on me and her, like on which school I want to go, like whether I would want to see my dad or not (when I was just 2 years old, I didn’t know that he was just a broken man).
Even this is just a problem I put out there. Great…
All triggered by a goddam paper. A stupid paper…

Thank you brain for being very helpful, NOT.
Why should I continue this.

The diagnose is clear, I am mentally sick for most of my life.
I can’t do this like this, I won’t be able to do it when I should stay in my current situation and I could do it alone, when I would be somewhere else.
All just shit.

Protocol S.C.P.- on the hot wire.

I am shaking and it is not good.

If I stop writing today, it will probably stop forever.

Why can’t just all papers be gone, all contracts be gone, all stupid money, blood sucking things, I don’t even want or need be gone?!

I need nothing, I have everything, except the things noone can give me, that all these things are gone.

Since the last time the protocol got active three months pasted.
Much did happen in my mind and with my soul.
But yet I am still executing it again, I guess.

The problem is, that protocol, every “program” I run gets stronger and better each time. So while I luckily didn’t push it through last time, this time it knows a way to make it possible. This time I know where the weak spot is.
And now it can attack this weak spot. If it does, it hopefully fails again, but maybe it got good enough to trick me.

Even that I write this shows that when the broken parts get triggered again like this, everything comes back. The interesting thing is, that things related to depression, suicide and other things, not really trigger it. They either just make me sad, make me calm or just nothing happens. But these short stupid stressing things, trigger it. These papers, these calls, these simple and small things, they kill me. Isn’t it funny in a dark way? The biggest enemies can’t strike me down, but a piece of paper can.

What would be better? Me giving in on my madness while I would probably live another 20 years or so, just full of pills in a strange state not able to die nor live only a problem yet again or just dead?

And the thing is that I know that it will cause pain either way.
I can only fight, if I know that I am fighting for good and not for bad.
For now, I am probably just fighting for the sake of it.
I think I am fighting for good and maybe I am, but if it results in situations like this, it may not be good after all. I know it is good, but I will just give in on the manipulator again, I guess.

Why should I even try? I know that I can win either way, but that either way, it will cause pain, right? Only my good works can be good, if any of them were good at all. At least not completely bad, right?
I know some of my music is pretty interesting and I really enjoyed listening to it, but that is all.

I know who I will hurt, I know all that. And this is why I have to do it because I would hurt them either way. I would hurt them more if I would just die inside ending up like a zombie, only sitting around with pills inside, not able to live again. My problems are always surrounding me, they aren’t just inside me. This way I will never be free. Even if inside I could break free.

I know I am worth living. I know can do good things.
I know I could be better, I know I can’t do it alone, but trust me, I can.
I could all these years. This time I just knew I wouldn’t want this go on forever and I wanted to fight. But now I know that this fight is for nothing (it is not), I know I will end up in a bad place or state anyways (no you don’t have to). It will end bad, either way.

I can tell you, I might end up as a liar for life, fooling everyone to get what I want. Also I could end up like an addict dead on the streets. I could end up in some hospital or clinic, living them for the rest of my life. I could even get into prison, if I really want to freak out. But I am telling, the only thing I would want to fight for, would be the chance to be who I was before I changed, before I broke and let them start to manipulate myself.

But it is easier to push my manipulator to manipulate myself instead of others. This way, I could use a sociopathic like skilled force against myself and it is capable of convincing me to end my life. It really has a great power, if it wants to. And it wants to, trust me. It is triggered now, armed you could say. And while I am typing, it is warming up. This is why I am shaking. The shaking means, that I am about to die. Aslong as I am shaking, when I feel bad (and not because of cold or such things), I am in danger.
Only when it stops it is paused at least. For now it is full active.

I can use everything for good or evil, I can see something good in everyone, in myself as well. But it is too risky to let this fragile mind out in the wild.
This is why it probably was the worst idea to start this whole “I am sharing my thoughts” thing. I will probably not delete this, but put it all on private.
It is too dangerous and fragile, not meant to be out in the wild.

Sadly there is too much hope for me and this is why I have to stop it.
The hope is real hope and this is why it is even worse. If I can’t trust my mind to do the right, I can’t let it give in on the hope to survive on the hope to be alright, because then it will just create a prefect “I am ruler” image in which I would probably use everyone around me to get what I want.
And I really don’t want that. The thing with my mother really went on for far too long. Friends, family… now I can’t do this like this.
I would only use them in the end. I would probably pretend to be good, while I am just an asshole and some kind of sociopathic freak, when the broken brain wins, and it would win. It ruled for over a decade. Why should it not rule another and another again?

I can’t let this happen. I can’t stay this broken and sometimes even feel good about it, while I know it is wrong and that I actually want the opposite.
Now with my soul I really feel and want to feel, to heal, but then always these damned documents, papers, phone calls, as if I can’t get this time to heal. And probably I am not meant to heal. Everything is programmed to be broken. The only reason why I am still alive is, that I had run my manipulator, my self motivation with ignorance and good things which happened along the way. If I would have really wanted, I would have been able to get out, but I never really wanted I guess (Yes you wanted), I just wanted it this way, I wanted it to end like this. This was the goal of the manipulator, to make me the worst, so that it would be easy for me to leave.
And in the end it might have been like this all the time.

(No, you know it is wrong.)

Yes I know I wasn’t like this, when I was just some years old.

(Then why are you not fighting for it?)

I guess, I don’t see the point in fighting for something, which won’t survive in this hell anyways. It is like letting a bear out of a cage he was trapped in for many years, maybe even since he was little. He doesn’t know what to do with the freedom, so he justs sits in the box or just walks around it. Why should he walk somewhere else, it never worked, could even cause more trouble.

(So you are a bear in a cage or what?)


(Then why did you…)

Because I am trying to explain.


See… I can’t even explain my own brain what I mean anymore. If I can’t even talk to myself, this conversation is over.

(Please, just talk….)

*slams door*

There is nothing like fake, nothing like real. When you can’t even talk with yourself, how should I trust myself, how should you trust a single word I say or write? It is really better to not win this fight for all of us.
You might think, I would be a kind one and I would I would really fight for what I was, for my soul. But maybe what wins is just the brain in the end, disguised as my soul. And I know that this is not the point here.
I know that the real soul, really is good, at least I know it is this way.

I want to be called the one who caused pain on all the people around him, if it would finally end all these problems. Maybe then my mother could finally find a way to let go, but I know she won’t and maybe even end her life as well. I know that. I know that other people might feel the same way if I should go. I know that too. Still I guess this would be the better end, if the other one would be in a horrible place and or state anyways. Better gone with bravery, than stayed as a monster.

And the words I use and the words you use, may sound the same, sometimes mean the same, but not always. When I speak from God I not always mean the father, when I speak from love you may think different about it than I do, when I speak about feelings, you might think I mean this, but I don’t. My words are useless, if noone understands them and they are especially useless, when I should go like this.

No more words. I already caused enough pain. To others and myself.
And yet I can’t stop writing because the soul didn’t realize it is going down again. (Is it?) Don’t you see? (I see… sadly I see.) But you are also just my brain, right? (Probably) So why do you want me to stay? (I have to, this is what stands in the law book, right?) Ah great, so just for the sake of it. (Yeah…? Life is good, you know.) Yeah sure… I know. If I would have used my chances. But I didn’t because I already had started the manipulator on myself. And the thing is, when it has to manipulate multiple things it is difficult, so it is not as efficient. But when it only has to focus on me, I could make it do anything. Sadly for my soul. I am sorry soul. (I know…)

So how do I do? Well, I am doing “fine”, right? I am just where I was and I know that probably won’t be the last time, but if I really support the manipulator, it might be the last time. If I don’t fight it, so to say.
And I had everything. Not by myself, but I experienced it through books, movies, series and music, through other people. I had it all. I have seen it all. So I have nothing I would still need to know, what I would still want to do. Everything I needed and wanted is already done in some way, either imagined, felt or experienced. So I can die happy after all.

Thank you for your service. If I shouldn’t set it all on private before, I am sorry, okay? I know how much pain this is causing. I know it, but I also know what would be the alternative and I know that there is hope, which actually makes it worse.

I have a deathwish since I was in elementary school, but now I overcome my fear of darkness. Darkness became my friend and the forest and extension for my soul and mind. After all I achieved. I will again just use it against me because I can’t risk to cause more pain by staying than with leaving. At worst I might even get children, so that the suffering continues.
I have to end this mess. This is my only reason to fight for. (No it is not. All these other broken souls like you. They count on you.) I know and this even makes it worse. A guy who might betray them all in the end, as their hero. I know who I am and I am not the hero, not like this.

I know all the words, I know what you want to say, I know what you might say instead. I know what I could answer. I know. It is a script, it is all already there. So why even using time for it. We both know that I can’t change the world (Maybe you can), we know that I will only cause problems in the end. Did you really think, I was doing good? I would probably just break everything down again at some point, like always. Only this time I won’t delete anything or set the music on private. Maybe this here, because it is critical. But the music is pure and maybe it could serve for good.
Maybe even this, I don’t know. (No, this is harmful and shouldn’t be public. Otherwise other people might follow you.) Don’t follow me then. (You know how it goes.) Yes… I have to set it on private then, but not the music.

(What about the book?)

I won’t finish it again I guess.
I won’t finish anything in some way.
But I know what I can finish, when I support the manipulator.
When I will give him my ability to overcome fear against darkness, he might could learn how to overcome fear in general.

(But you still realize that you are talking about your own mind or at least a part of it, right?)

Yes, why do you ask?

(Because then it already knows, or am I wrong?)

Maybe, at least it could find a way to access it anyways, but twisted mines are strange minds you know, with borders and lines and all.

(Yeah… sure… You sure, you want to do this?)

No, but this is why I have to do it because otherwise it will win.

(It – who?)

The broken brain…

(So me?)

Yep, I guess so.


No… it is horrible.

I told you: Too much knowledge, too much brain power will drive you crazy at one point. But you didn’t listen, did you?

(I started to try to make it dumber, didn’t I?)

Yes you tried to make me stupid, but you failed.

(Well, not completely, you can’t fully access all knowledge, can you?)

Know, but it is better this way, otherwise I would create something which would doom the world.

(But the world is doomed anyways.)

I know.

(So, are you sure you want to do this?)

Yes, what should hold me back?

(The good memories?)

Are you trying to convince me to support your plan to fool people into believing that you could help them?

(Maybe? Maybe I can help them, you never know, right?)

All you can help with is, you can create hope were shouldn’t be any.

(You are right. Do you want me to give the manipulator full access to the stack?)

Access code: Ghost tiger – fallen tiger results in undead

The code is UNDEAD

(Access granted. The manipulator has full access now and can operate on the same level sa yous.)

Stopping writing interupt.- No writing.


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