Day 44 (late night)

This morning my latest track I played over an over again for over an hour once stopped at 1:16:

Romans 1:16
“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes […]”

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+5%3A1-16&version=ESV

Of course everything has an impact on me and influence in some way, but it doesn’t change the way how things are in some way.
So I know that I can be fine and this is what keeps me going.
Still I am far from well. I am starting to fight my depression alone for the most part, but I am glad, that I am not alone. And yeah, talking really didn’t help me so far. Also my depression started in elementary school times, so it isn’t something which just happened. There were way too many factors to trigger all of this and just because of some friends and good series, music and other good things in life, I didn’t fuck up much earlier.

The feeling of feeling nothing is not that you feel nothing, but always the same. The brain blocks or ignores things which aren’t changing after some time until it gets better or worse. So if you feel nothing, you probably feel pain, you are probably not well in a long time. Maybe it is something else, but it might be a lack of love and life.

It is a shame that the systems we live in are all broken in some way, but no wonder, everything is broken. Therefor we have to love one another to hold against this nonsense, this pain and misery. Real love is not about sex, about being together with someone, not to have fun for some minutes or hours. Real love is about loving each others souls, inner self, true self and to care for each other. Maybe sometimes it goes farther and then it is good, if it is real. But love should be a basic thing, should be like first aid for wounds, always present, always there. Maybe not always in you or in someone else, but it should be possible to find and get love when needed. It may sounds strange, but yeah. And love is the best medicine, while it could also be killing you. Love is healing (Side effects: could cause suffering and pain).
Like every medicine against depression and other mental illnesses.
They can help or even make it worse sometimes. But love which isn’t fake and not broken, won’t cause side effects, only after it seems lost (again).

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