Day 44 (afternoon)

(Dream log)
(Attention: The following did freak me out and I still have to process this shit, but I have to write it down to not forget it!)

I am not sure when the dream really began, but let’s just start with the first thing I remember.

I was at home and I only had boxer shorts on, nothing else. Everything seemed real and actually looked like reality for the most part, but I think I was younger? At least I somehow felt younger, while I actually was in the house I am now and everything was now. (Maybe because I sometimes feel younger than I am, while sometimes I feel other than I am.)

I was running down towards my fathers house, the way I was.
Outside was late afternoon or maybe evening. It was probably spring or maybe even summer. The sun was shining but already “sinking”.
I thought, what would the neighbours think and I just hoped they wouldn’t see me. When I reached the door of my father’s house I just sit down there.
Maybe I knocked on the door before, but I am not sure about that.
After some time my father came out looking confused and my mother also came up from the basement (accessable from outside, so she came around the corner of the house). Then we went inside.

I am not sure whether something happened in between or what exactly happened. But I think I got some clothes on and it was dark outside when I remember the next part.

We were still inside my father’s house and standing in the middle room after the second door from the stairways (just a small corridor with some shoes leading to all other rooms on the floor).

I was telling them about a dream I think, or maybe it wasn’t a dream.
And while I was telling them about it, I got some kind of flash back because I did visualize the dream or what I have seen. I was telling them, that I was walking through the dark forest with a light (and maybe with my mother, but not sure) and then there were two shadows coming towards us / me.

They looked like us, but like dark figures and I actually couldn’t see any faces, but they were there and a fire like light was surrounding the whole scenery.

Then after the flash back my father were hugging me or at least it felt like it (he almost never did that, only a couple of times in years), but then I realized that he wasn’t hugging me and I felt something grabbing my left cheek and I asked my father to stop with anger, but then I realized his hands weren’t on me and my mother also stood there.

Then I looked left and saw my own arm grabbing my cheek.

It didn’t feel like my arm and I had no control about it.
I got fear and tears in my eyes and said to my parents, that this is what I was trying to tell them and that it has to do with the incident / dream I was telling them about. After that I can’t remember what happened.

The next thing is, that I was in my bed again, in my actual room.
I had my headphones on and was listening to music, like I actually just did before, so pretty realistic. Then I heard game noises all of a sudden and I was confused. Thought, maybe it was a hallucination, I sometimes hear or see things when I am pretty tired. Most of the time nothing too weird, but yeah I thought, well okay. And I heard a couple of sounds and then I must have fallen asleep. Next thing is that I heard Gronkh talking and probably playing a game. I don’t remember whether I saw something, but it was like dreaming.

Then I woke up again and I felt weird. I still was in my room.
My ears felt strange and I wasn’t sure whether I had my headphones on or not because I remembered taking them off (actually did that in reality before I went to sleep). But then I checked with my hands and I felt the plastic of my headphones. So I took them off, but the ears still felt weird.
I got up and walked outside my room, towards the bath. My nose also felt weird.

When I left my room I checked my ears again and there was something else.
I grabbed it and when I looked what it was, I had two cotton sticks in my hands. I sure thought something like ‘How the hell?’ and I got freaked out.
I probably also heard some sounds again.

Then I went to the basement door (inside in my house) and were screaming for my mother. She answered and said that she was in the basement.
I screamed for help and that she should come to me. But she didn’t respond or if so, I don’t remember. Then I started to bang on the door with my hands. It wasn’t the actual basement door, although it was on the right location. Almost everything was perfect, like in reality, but the door was the kitchen / eating room door, at least it looked like it. But I didn’t realize that.

Then I probably went into the bath room and threw the sticks in the trash.
I were crying and screaming and nearly freaking out. I probably also had just boxer shorts on. After that I just remember that I went in my room again and laid down in my bed. I probably still heard some game sounds.

I don’t remember whether something was in between, before I woke up.
When I woke up I felt pretty hot and dry. Almost as if I had a stroke.
Maybe I have fever, what would explain this weird dream.
And then I quickly checked my head again. No head phones, no sticks.
All normal so far. Then I heard a game sound. And I was scared as hell.
But after that nothing happened, so I was laying in bed for some time until I fully realized reality again and that I wasn’t dreaming anymore (at least not in the way like before, for sure).

Then I decided to quickly write down everything, before I forget it.
And I am sure I missed some details. For example, that it was bright and daylight outside, when I was in my bed at home and it actually is bright outside. Maybe also some things like what was on the bottom of my room.
Oh and I did forget that I took a look in my old child room at my father’s house after the conversation we had about the two shadow figures.
It looked different, there were some boxes and it just didn’t really look like my room. But I didn’t realize that, I guess.

This is all I can recall so far. And I am still pretty shocked and scared by this dream. I should also add, that there was a little wine vinegar in some salt sticks I ate before I went to bed. I am not sure about it, but it tasted strange and I probably shouldn’t have eaten it. I don’t know, but this dream man…
Holy shit. It was all so real, with the real rooms, houses, locations.
The whole garden looked real, like holy shit. I couldn’t tell the difference.

(Dream log over)

This is what I got for the numbers and letters “A 44 1 24” today:

While not all words are true when you read them in the way you would expect them to be, from another perspective, all of this could be true.
The interesting part, is the word generation. Maybe he didn’t mean generation in the same way, we would think about it at first. Maybe if 1000 years are one day, a generation is the whole evolution of mankind.
Who knows… But pretty strange that exactly these two were showing up now for the data I got couple of days ago.

I am probably just sense making, were isn’t any. At least that is what normal people would say, right? And normal people would also call me pretty messed up or just mentally ill, what I truely am. But therapists can’t help me with that, I tried it before and well, medicine… I don’t know about that, maybe. But than all I need is relief and peace. No stress, no money problems, just being able to live. And I guess that is what I can’t get, what I won’t get. Maybe I already predicted my future rather than wishing it to become true. Maybe I saw myself in the clinic because this is where I will go at some point. I don’t know…

I will finish the last episode of Altered Carbon now. Man I am not disappointed, I first had to restore the memory since the last season was a year ago I think, and a lot happened. Despite some unnecessary special fighting effects I love it. I even had tears in my eyes several times.
I know you probably think, what a bullshit story and effects, but hey, this is your opinion. I just feel what I feel and I like and love many things.

I almost cried several times and some tears came out.
So much love, so much pain, so much love yet again.
Altered Carbon, you served well, another chapter in my story.

I am starting to watch the mini series Retribution now.
First 5 minutes and I am already in.
Is it me or is this all connected?
For me it is. Is it for you?

I had to stop the series for now because I wasn’t ready for this yet.
I just had a very deep emotional series or season ending.
I will continue later or tomorrow maybe. It is good, but I just can’t do it right now. Will go into bed again listening to the music below.

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