Day 43 (till late night)

Around 5 AM today I went towards the forest, but I just stopped on the road between the fields in front and laid down there. I had warm trousers underneath a jeans and my winter coat. Because I haven’t slept the night before I was pretty tired and I risked falling asleep (deathwish), but I just watched the stars on the cold asphalt road.

I was relaxed and didn’t feel any cold (mainly because my clothes were pretty warm). But I still knew it was pretty cold. In some way I noticed the cold, but it was more like a value, like telling “we have three apples in the basket”. After some time I closed my eyes, almost fell asleep, maybe I even was at one point. But then I heard loud animal screams from the forest.
Echoing over the fields. I still don’t know what exactly it was, but some kind of bird maybe. It screamed pretty loud and then also some owls started too.
I was still on the road and after some time my eyes closed again, even some dogs started to bark somewhere until I finally stood up again. I was on the road for a long time from my perspective maybe around 20 minutes, but in reality it might just be a few minutes, I don’t know. Time is relative when I am out there.

On my way back home a male deer made noises as well and more owls.
On the fields was mist and it was full moon or at least it look full to me.
When I stood up I saw a light in the direction of the second tree corridor.
It looked again like candle fire to me, but this time I thought, well it could be something else because the village lights were also in this direction.
Still I got this strange vision aswell in which in the direction of the light all got blurry and almost darkened. I walked towards it, but then it wasn’t there anymore.

Later I thought, maybe this light was just a street light, but because of my tired state I hallucinated a little. When I walked past the football field (soccer), I heard water like from a shower, but there were noone and no lights. I slowly walked towards the building and found out, that the nouse came from the waste or rain water shafts near the building. I then walked home. When I entered the village even the ducks from my neighbour started to scream.

My cat waited for me at my front door, but then I realized that I must have lost my keys because I couldn’t found them in my pockets.
So I walked back the whole way (isn’t that long, but I was pretty tired and needed wanted to go to the toilet).

The whole time I heard nothing, maybe only a distant owl, but not like before. Well and the keys were on the ground were I was laying down before. When I turned around, I didn’t see the light where I had seen one the first time, but then I thought, maybe I just was a little bit more left or right on the road or something, so that the trees were blocking the light.
Still I was a little unsure about this. But the first light I saw was clearly in front of the forest, were no light could have been. I could point it on the lack of sleep, but the first time it was there.

Maybe just today I had a illusion because of the tiredness and so on. Still strange altogether and I also can’t remember hearing these water noises so loud the last times and it wasn’t even raining. Maybe water from the forest somewhere, I don’t know.

I wouldn’t say anything supernatural happened last night, but it still was pretty strange to me. And as if the forest animals didn’t want me to fall asleep.

And the day before I think, I thought about these random names and numbers I am sometimes getting and then I relized, that Persey Jackson was one of them and then I realized, that I started to watch this movie Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters (but stopped after a short time because me and my mother weren’t that interested in it after a short time) only a week ago or so. But this name was in my mind for years or months before I even watched it and I wasn’t even interested in it.
Could be just false memories, but still it was strange and that together with the Deja vu day, the next day it is all very strange.

(The mind is probably going nuts and all is just illusion and misinformation because of an unstable system and twisted mind.)

I also got these when I realized the thing with the name:
“A44” and “1 24” (could also be 1:24 or in another way like 1-24, but when I checked the same day, nothing special was there.)

I will add the results for 1:24 anyways:

Judges 13:1-24 (only title)
The Birth of Samson

Mark 15:1-24 (only titles)
Jesus Before Pilate, The Soldiers Mock Jesus, The Crucifixion of Jesus

1 Peter 1:24
“For, “All people are like grass,
    and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall”

Thanks for going through all of this in some way.
I know that I have good things.

I just had to reach out to someone because I didn’t really got understood by others. I even fooled the therapists. So in case you thought that might help.
If anything is too much when it comes to my thoughts, my past and present.
You can leave at any moment. I am not holding you back, who ever you are.
I just have to put out my thoughts because letting them in didn’t help, writing some of it didn’t help, talking made things even worse. And opening up to people also made me feel bad all the time. So you don’t have to feel bad for me, especially if you should have your own problems to fight with, be they big are small. You don’t have to help me, especially not if you are broken as well. I am between losing it completely and fighting for my freedom and peace.

I partially fought already because I didn’t just do nothing. But I am not strong enough to fight through it all the way, still I could be. I am still here, I have all I need. It is just that I don’t want others to feel sorry or worried about me. I don’t need good feedback for things which aren’t good, but if they should be really good I appreciate it of course.

I just can’t really see it anymore because I often just see broken things, unfinished things, problems I create and other people who solve them for me or try to. I also helped other people with things, but I just can’t do it anymore, it is too much. I can help my best friend and people I love, I always can help everyone I feel love for (universal love towards a soul).

Days are passing, it is already March and I am still at home not doing much to help my mother or get money. I cleaned the floor once or twice, I did feed the cat sometimes, but not much really. At least I did music and writing, at least something, but in the end probably noone will ever find it except for people I tell about it. Maybe it is better this way. At least I put out some things, so that I did not do nothing.

Am I trying to break myself down with all of this or do I really just want to heal through it? I am not sure sometimes, probably both a little.
At least I am not controlling it all the time, just partially, right?
So the other half is coming from elsewhere, to really help me, I guess.
I am not meant to die right now, not like this. But how should I know.
I just know that I wasted all my talents so far, left most people behind, some of them needed me as a friend as well and I betrayed them, by just leaving them behind. At least now I used my talents a little bit, to not go without using them at all, my artistic talents, my creative mind.

I found my soul again and that I still had a heart, I realsed my soul to express, to feel, to let me feel. Maybe I did it for her, maybe I wanted to let her die in the end. I am not sure anymore. I just know, that I wanted to really live a life, a real life, not what was all these years. But now I feel like I betrayed her again. I let her out only to let her suffer again, until the trigger gets finally pulled.

maybe it is me there at the end
one of my favorite ones from the radio, now I found it again