Day 42 (morning)

I watched almost the whole livestream of Gronkh tonight and I had to laugh many times and it really cheered me up. This guy just has a talent for this and also the games he played tonight even though they weren’t meant to be funny all the time. I just say: “Happy little accidents.” Sometimes things are better with than without them. Sometimes the thought mistakes created a much higher value, not thought about or found yet, at least when it comes to things we do for others in form of art and works.

(What I wrote some time earlier but didn’t post yet)

Hey and sorry for all these “up-down” moods all the time. Just don’t take the down things too serious if it should go against you other things we did and want to do. I really want to do something with you, really! But as I figured out, my brain has a problem with social problems and is easily triggered to feel down again by too positive things (yes weird, but too much positivity triggers my mind to break down again because of past experiences I guess).

The paper thing with the child benefit was a mistake of the system, the had sent it by accident before they processed the email with my case. As far as I know, now I don’t have to get any papers anymore. Oof.

I also finally found the contract number for the traffic company things, I still have to pay until April, but at least not until August and I just don’t want to make it more complicated.

At least some things are clearing up now. I will probably put this into the Almanac later as well.

holy… it is a master piece

You can’t believe in a God created by men and still many do.
We have to believe in ourselves and the good dreams we have and had.
The truth is within everything, if we start to love everything in some way.
Not all what is done, but every single soul, every sacrifice, every hope which was real. God is not what you think, no really, God is not in your mind, God is not the God of any religion, is not a person, not a being, not necessarily and still in some way might be.

But God is in all of us, all the time because we are God(s), while there might be others out there. So no, when I talk about God, I am not talking about God from any religion, I just speak about something which is real and way different from what most of us think or believe and what is marvelous, gigantic and majestic and yet so simple, so fantastic, that we all are one in some way. All connected, if we want to or not, but if we want to, we can see it.

I sure use the bible and I grew up with it (coming out of a religious family), but I always had seen God different because I didn’t see truth in most of Christianity. There are some real people everywhere, some true believers, kind people, but many are just in some kind of religion or believe system because they got born into it, got caught by it or stay in it because of fear, because of connections and because it has always been like this.

I am not here to tell you that I know the truth, that I am special, that I am anything better than anyone. I am just here to say, what I have to say or what I feel or just what comes out of my hands.

I wish I could do more, I wish I could save all who need someone, but I am just a single soul. Maybe one day, maybe at some point. When I am not alone maybe, when I am healed inside. But in order to heal, I have go towards what I want to heal for, otherwise I would just get hurt again as soon as I get out of the so called “comfort zone”.

I already did many things to change my life and sadly other lives as well, by hurting others in some way or just leaving them behind. But I already did this way too often for nothing, just because I had to move on and on for nothing it seemed. Now I really have a reason I guess and not to harm people like this anymore. I just have to get this chapter close, it already is filled with blood and tears.

I guess I am everything in one. I can understand them all.
I can understand everyone, not with my mind, but with my soul.
So when I speak to someone, I still don’t find the right words most of the time, I still not always write what I want to, what would be the best. But I am trying to. Sometimes I should better not write or talk at all. I know.
It is just… my soul, one part of my brain knows it all, I feel them all, I know why they do, did and will do things. It is just all there, but I can’t put it into words, I can’t really think about it because it is without words, it is just there like data, like wordless knowledge.

Maybe it is special, I don’t know, but I sure don’t want to be seen as special, I hate attention and especially dependencies and too many people around who want things from me. So no, I am not special, but maybe special in some way. At least I know, that I am also still a liar sometimes, still a broken one for sure and that I am not able to really stay happy for a long time these days. Compared to last year I am fine now, but compared to a normal life, I am still pretty messed up. Sometimes just laying in bed almost all day and on other days writing the whole night or walking through the woods. I am making progress, I guess.

My feelings are coming out again, I just want to share all of this with someone. Because when I was just alone with all of it, it wasn’t good and I just felt more alone each time I didn’t really talk about things or when I did the others didn’t understand. I sure talk and talked alot with my mother, shared more than her than most people (I guess), but she just couldn’t understand many things or we got into many misunderstandings and conflicts because of it. I so often said to myself, that I wouldn’t starting talking about my thoughts with her, but then I did it again. About my good thoughts, about my world view and things I found, I heard about, I watched and how I thought about things.

She really wanted to understand some things, but it also just was too much for her most of the time (understandable) and yeah, so many of these talks were pretty bad in the end for both of us. She cares for me, she cares too much sometimes, but she is deeply hurt herself and just done from all this shit. Everyone in my family was broken, at least from my fathers side. When I was in secondary school I swore, that I would be the last one.

I just wanted to end this misery in this family. Never marry someone, maybe not even live. I just couldn’t stand the thought to create another misery and get another soul into this black hole. We will see. But maybe I can break this course by living a true life a better life, so that if I should get children, they won’t have to suffer like me, even or especially if they should be similar to me. But really, I don’t want to risk anything. There are already so many lost children and broken families, I don’t need to add another one.

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