Day 42 (evening)

Sorry for all the pain I am dragging you through with all negative I wrote already. I am fighting and it is a pretty long and weird fight, but it seems to get somewhere. Each good feeling and moment I feel real, shows me, that the fight is and wasn’t for nothing, but still I fall down so often. It has do be, but I am standing up again. Still bleeding, sure, but better bleeding and feeling the blood, than just bleeding without knowing.

Just when I was in the flat last week packing up the last things, I must have cut myself on paper or something sharp, but I just didn’t realize it until I already had some blood on my trousers and all over my hand. It just didn’t hurt, I didn’t notice it until I saw something red on my left hand. It wasn’t that much blood, but still scary. And I often had it than when I did get injured in some way, I didn’t feel it and noticed it, when there already was some blood somewhere. In secondary school I sometimes had nose bleeding and just realized it, when there already was some blood on the paper.

Well this time I was awake, but today my mother was tired, so we again didn’t drive to the flat to clean it up, the last big thing to do, I hope.
Still some other little things, but I hope no big things for now.

Pretty mixed up today. Too much Serotonin and Noradrenalin in my head because of a good and happy night with Papa Gronkh 😀
But still negativity, tries to kick in because of external problems I don’t need or have to think about yet, but other people (my father) think they are important right now. As if anyone except of him would care about taxes right now… man … this man…

Today feels like a big Deja vu I must say. Since yesterday this feeling began and while it sometimes got weaker it is still there. What is happening.
I even think I already watched this. Maybe I did with other music or on another channel. But the whole day feels like this. (Stress level on 100?)
No that isn’t it, can’t be it. (Is it the 42?) The what? (The 42, you know?) 42? Oh… no I don’t… well you never know. I don’t know.

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