Day 41 (until dawn)

Please don’t call me a good one. I was a good one and can still be a good one. But if I would be just good, I would just still do things for others and not just myself, right?

Partially I am egoistic and partially I am just all over the place. I hope I can solve it either way, so that in the end I take responsibility for myself.

The worst thing is that I am hurting so many people when I stand up for myself or just with my existence in the way I exist. And this year I hurt many people to finally end things which weren’t good for me anymore.

This might all just be an attention seeking routine running in my brain.
But I don’t want attention, I just want to be alone for good. And then I would just want to be dead. Not because I can’t be alone, Most of the time I can only be myself when I am truly alone, but I almost never really was alone. There always was someone else with me in the house, in the flat, in my life, why I couldn’t be the way I was or at least it seemed like it from words, and behaviour. But I shouldn’t focus on myself, I hurt so many people in my life.
Well, maybe not too many after all, but each one of them is one too much.
And I guess I just don’t want to hurt others and myself anylonger.

Why can’t I just use what I can do? Just alone for others and live from it.
Why can’t I just get rid of all these stupid documents, telling about security, justice and safety, while in the end all is just a trusting game in which many lose. I mean, if I want to just cancel child benefit payments, but have to get a signing and paper from my boss, while I already sent them an image of the cancellation contract thing. If I would want money, okay, but I just didn’t want to get in trouble and stop the payments……

The banks wants me to come over anyways, even though on the website it seemed to be optional. But if I would have insisted, I would have to pay some money because of several documents and so on. Then why even advertising it or making it possible to submit data online, when in the end I still have to go there? I mean, I wouldn’t have done it, if I would have known it. But my gut told me, it would be this way and I just tought, no on the website it…. (Na ah… ya have to get your ass over there anyways. Welcome in the black forest… where everything takes long, is old fashioned and bullshit. Welcome home….)

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