Day 40 (late afternoon)

I finished “The Break” and I want to cry, but I am just breathing heavily.
And my eyes were a little wet. What have I done… What happened… Why can’t I just be there and why can’t all problems just be solved? …

I sure didn’t expect this ending and still I feared it.
I have to go to the forest again, but it isn’t dark already.

This time I have to sleep in the forest. Last night I almost fell asleep on the cold hard road in front of the forest. But this time, I have to sleep.

Maybe not forever, but I have to sleep there tonight.
What have I done to myself, to the people around me.
Why… why couldn’t I just stay the way I was. Why did I break myself as well.
The others tried to and also broke a part of me, but I locked in the rest of it.
And now it is out, but everything is bleeding, is hurting. And it still wants to be happy, still wants to love everyone and still wants to live. Like a shot deer not dead yet. And now I am there, standing over my own deer, over myself. I should shot it, but I can’t.

*I am crying heavily now*

Why can’t I just help the deer. Why …. does it have to be this way.
Why is my soul the deer, nearly dead. Why do I have to end it? Can I save it?
It wants to live, it speaks to me, with big eyes, and smiles towards me.

Oh god… what have I done. The deer. Why… If I would know that it could be saved, I would give my life for it, but then it would be dead anyways because I am the deer.

I just want to be in forest, just free and away from all this documents, this problems, this people with their great thoughts and ways of living.
I knew how to live and I let them shoot the deer. Let them drive over it.
Let them spit on it until I did it myself. And now I can only release it to a better place. Can I? Should I? What if everything is wrong anyways? Then it doesn’t matter.

Can I forgive myself? – I don’t think I can. I can’t forgive the devil and I can’t forgive myself. And it isn’t your fault. It isn’t my fault, but still it is. I could have saved myself. But I betrayed myself. Why can’t I just let the deer live, live in the forest. Live a life it always wanted. And why do I have to stay here looking down on it with the rifle. Why is this the situation in my head right now. I am thankful for the tears I don’t want them to go. But I can’t cry forever, it never worked.

Oh my dear deer, I am sorry. And I know you can always forgive me.
But I can’t forgive myself because I don’t even know anymore whether I did it for me, for you or just because I went crazy after all. I don’t know why I betrayed you, but I can’t change it and I don’t seem to be able to make it good again. Did I shot you at last? I don’t know, but now I am here and I have to either end your or my life and in the end it doesn’t matter. I can only hope that you my dear deer, are free in the end. But maybe it is all a lie, all a dream, all unimportant. All my feelings, my pain. Not now, but later it will be.

I know I don’t want this, but I want this because I know it would be this way when I was young. I knew it would get hard and I didn’t want it to be this way. I wanted to forget it, but I couldn’t in the end. I couldn’t forget you deer. Why did you become a tiger? Why did I become a tiger? You never were a tiger, you always were a deer, a bird, a butterfly. You always were the love inside of me, you always were there for me, but I didn’t want you anymore. Didn’t seem to know you, betrayed you and hated you. Called you the problem, called you the devil. Why did I do that to you, you did nothing to me. You just wanted to help me, help others, be kind and wanted to explore the world.


I found you my dear deer only to stay here… with a gun pointed at you yet again. Can I save you? Do I even want to save you? Maybe I should end your misery, you are too kind for this world, even near death you want to help others, while I can’t even help my mother. Take me… take my life for the soul. Or give it to someone else, help someone else with it. I only destroyed it. I don’t deserve you my dear deer.

*I am still crying – the whole time*

I am just in front of my screen crying and typing all what is there to type, to write. It hurts, it feels good, but I know it might be the last time. The last time for me to cry for my deer. The time is running out.
Maybe I just have to stay with it and when it is dead, I can die with it.

But if it shoul die before me, I might get the monster I always feared to become. The deer was holding me back all the time, while I tortured it.
Why didn’t you just leave me, but I locked you in my deer… I have to sleep in the forest today, tonight, maybe forever.

I cried around 20 minutes in a row.
But now it is over. And the deer is still there, still smiling, still hurt, still it wants to help me. Why….. why why…..

The times when the music stopped 2:34, 2:29, 2:19, 2:19, 2:19, 0:37

Luke 2:34
And Simeon blessed them, and said unto Mary his mother, Behold, this child is set for the fall and rising again of many in Israel; and for a sign which shall be spoken against;

1 John 2:29
If you know that he is righteous, you know that everyone who does what is right has been born of him.

Revelations 2:19
I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first.

Psalm 37

This almost made me cry again.
But I can’t anymore and it is getting darker outside.
Now I have to go.

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