Day 40 (first hours)

The 7th and 8th episode of “The Break” / “La Trêve” hit hard again on several layers. When I watch something I always try to understand everyone, while on the other hand I find myself in most of the people. Not in all or let’s say not always in all, but in many for sure. Maybe I am all of them when I am watching it, even if it all should be just fiction, it is real in some way. And it becomes real in my head.

I would just want to be in there, and then I would end up the same way as the main character for sure or should I say, characters? There are always multiple stories and multiple parts of my soul. It is everything. The sadest part was the story of the girl with the guitar. Writing about it almost makes me weep and I want to cry, really. But I think I started to block it all again.
I could be this young woman with the guitar, I could be so many of them. Even ones who are the opposite of others. So many. I could be so many. But when I was a kid, I was an angel. Now I can’t be an angel anymore. Maybe I could at least be a sign, be an inspiration, an almanac for those who seek.
… man the tears. It hurts, but I want the tears. I think I have to go to the forest again. This is too painful. My heart starts to hurt while tears are dropping down.

I know why, I know why it all is happening, could I just trust myself.
And no I don’t know all, I can’t, it is impossible in some way, but still I know. Why can’t I handle it, why can’t I use it for good. Why does it have to bring so much pain? I know why, because it is the price for good. There always has to be a balance. The more pain, the more good could be done. But then, what is with those who just die, with those who turn evil because of pain?
I am not responsible for them, but then I am in some way. I can’t, but I have to and then it is so much pain again. But when I feel the pain and I know that it would just be painful because I do good, I could accept it, but I also do bad things… say mean things sometimes, hurt people’s feelings. So how should it make sense that the pain I feel will be good? But I know it is for good, in my case. Maybe not in your case, maybe in your case as well?

Could I just change the law of energy, I would say, that those who suffer should be free and those who did what they wanted all the time, should get a lesson. And then what do I know… maybe I am wrong again.
If I would be the one (whatever “the one” would be), I wouldn’t know it because I would always fall into this state in which I can’t be sure about anything. In which I am always wrong and other people are always right and that even those who might be like me in some way, deserve it more to get helped and some seem to get free, but maybe I just want to be the way I am. I even once thought that I might have done a big mistake in the future because of my happy and naive nature and the easy intelligence, just to see the world with bright eyes at first. Maybe I found a way to block myself, so that I wouldn’t do what I did. And then, if I would break free from this blockade I may have built for myself, I would do the same or even worse. I know, I know, strange story. But what if it would be true? Then I should die for good maybe? But maybe I just tried to change myself to a point in which I would know how to do it right, so that no one would abuse it? How should I know. When I was in elemetary school I once thought about a device to record memories, but then I thought it would be too dangerous because wrong people could get their hands on it. Maybe I did it after all, maybe this is what I tried to stop myself from. Maybe it even worked in the opposite direction, maybe even through time. Maybe the mind is not in time, but in one place “the whole time”, a place without time. And the physical part of it, just copies or activates what is already there the whole time, maybe it was always there. If the brain would just be a quantum instrument to access all knowledge, I could actually know what would happen and I could actually be able to do what I thought. And then, how should I stop it, if it is always already there? Maybe it is just a dynamic constant. Like a formular which is not always the same, but always the same result is what is constant. So therefor, I might have naturally found the key to the universe as a kid because everyone has it, but only a few can use it? Because only a few understand it? So if it all would be just logical mathematics, but in a dynamic way. It indeed matters what you do because you could change small equations and parts of a bigger formular. It is not about one formular to calculate everything, at least not in a direct way, I am just talking about a ultimative formular on which everything runs on. This could be a combination of multiple formulars on their own and like in a game engine, there are sometimes multiple threads running, mutliple calculations on the same time, to calculate the weather, the AI, the time, the results, the everything you see. All math, all algorithms, all logical in some way. And therefor, it would be wrong to say, that it doesn’t matter on what you do.
Maybe I misunderstood Alan Watts. Probably, maybe I am just writing it in a way so that you might misunderstand me. The thing is, if everything would “just” be a logical formular without the possibility to change or modify it, then we could all just kill ourselves, or couldn’t we? It simply wouldn’t work because it wouldn’t make a logical sense and therefor everything would be justified and excused my logic and maths.

“Oh, I killed all these people. But it just was my task. In the formular of the everything I was the killer this time. Upsi.” – Possible answer of a serial killer in the context of Alan Watts or what I understood at some point.

So let’s say, all would be infinite. Would it be just okay for me, if I would always decide to kill myself? Do you understand, where this is going?
If everything is good as it is, then there is no reason to be a part of it, while this would be the reason for you to be part of it because you would be the suicide factor. Therefor you could just decide to fuck other people’s lives up because it wouldn’t matter anyways, either you die or they die. Isn’t this basic human behaviour and history? But then you think, well all this killing is shit and now I want to live and help others to live. So that you then become a healer, a helper, an angel maybe. But then you would have been all of it. You would have been all of it at any point in time (Reference to one good creepypaste, which is a very cool and eye opening one, about everything and everyone is actually you, the child of a god, to become a god, maybe him, her, it in the end?).

Then if all of this would matter and in the same way wouldn’t matter, how should I tell the difference between ignorance, hate, love, anger, peace, evil and joy? If all would just be one in the end, wouldn’t all just be meaningless? Or shouldn’t in the knowledge about everything, the goal still be to make it better? What if in the end, our goal is to make it better? Maybe it did repeat, maybe it will repeat, but maybe it still is the goal, to make it better? If all people would wake up and see how beautiful, endless and majestic everything is, wouldn’t it be better? But for now, it seems to bring the end of the world because to much positivity attracts negativity and therefor the end of the world. Is it really the end? But no, it is the beginning.

Could there be a way to tell, whether we improve or just go on for ever, or even do worse? If I would be the creator of this universe, would I know whether I created my own or the creation I created, actually created mine in the end, to close the cycle of life and death?

If a journey to a secret island, would lead to a knowledge of everything, would you risk it, to find hell? Would you risk it to find nothing? Would you risk it to find yourself in a mirror? Would you risk it to just find a note: “Don’t go farther!”? If the secret island would not be in your head, not on this world, maybe not even in the universe we know, would you risk it?
A shot into the unknown. Imagine that everything you thought to be fiction is actually real in another time, in another world, maybe even just in another place right now. Maybe a little different, but still the story you think is fiction. Like legends, like old texts, like dreams, like fiction after all.

What if the information is just to get one again? But then we are almost there and never farther away from it, right? When the extremes meet for a final battle, pure positive, pure negative. And the neutral? And the things which are here and there, smaller, bigger, different? There is always more. But what if, what we find will be the trigger? The thing about existence is a very strange thing. In some way it is irrational to think, that we could travel back in time, but then we write about it because it is what we can’t get or even fear because it could cause problems. Just imagine, that everything is possible because in terms of energy, everything is possible in some way.
Still you have to think about it with a more or less sober mind.

If you think that you can be rich, maybe you can be rich, but it is complicated. Because while for you it might work and be the path, not everyone can go this path or is meant for it. Also the system won’t work, if everyone would be rich. Therefor the system is wrong. Therefor the system should be changed, but if it all would just lead to a problem in the equation, all of this is just pointless.

Would it be right to laugh about those who still try because you know that it is pointless? Maybe you didn’t know everything. While changing the world might not work, we could think in bigger terms. We could go out into the universe and just have a heaven and a hell and just more earth like worlds.
The thing is, if we consider the universe or whatelse might be on top of it, as a big logical concept, then everything has already been and will be. And it will recreate itself again, to solve the same thing over and over again, just with different calculations here and there. The result would still be the same. So if this should be true. We are the creators of our own existence.

And still, why should it follow a logical formular? Who invented it. Who thought about it? The question is simple and yet impossible to answer right now. For some it is answered, for some it will never be. In my case, I am not happy with the answer, that everything just is because it is because this would mean, that it is “good” to be bad. It is just okay. While it isn’t.

The concept of good is clear. “Normal” or in general “norms” change over time because people actively or passivle fullfil, create and worship these things in different ways, so you can’t rely on the norm or normal things. They are just there to show what is the current average, like a number telling, that at the moment 203 parking lots are free. And if you check the statistics you see, that around this time there are alwasy around 190 – 220 free parking lots. So it is normal. But then suddenly there are only 20 free spaces, which isn’t normal for this time, but then again and again, until it is normal. But what always stays the same, the parking house has 400 parking lots and it never is empty. These are things you can rely on. But not on how many cars will actually be in there at any time. Maybe it is normal now, but tomorrow it isn’t anymore. What does this have to do with our existence?

Well, if we know what the pure positive and angel like behaviour is, and know what the opposite is, we know that the parking house has 400 parking lots and that it is never fully empty. We have the constants, the boundries and therefor, we know what would be good, while we also know, that it will most of the time be that way. But there is the next question. What would be good when it comes to the parking house? Would it be good to have it full or empty? It depends on the perspective. The owner or manager of the parking house would of course want as many paying parkers as possible and that it is used.

On the other hand, for the environment it would be better to not have a parking house at all (if there would be better ways to travel and get from one to another place). You see, even this little example is difficult, but it let’s us see, that the even though we know what is good for a specific situation or in a specific situation or position, we may change our perspective when we should be in another position and this usually happens with people.

This there is an overall understanding of good and evil, or am I wrong?
It is wrong to kill people.
It is wrong to harm others.
It is wrong to do wrong on others, even on your enemies, because then you wouldn’t be better than them.
Can we agree on these?
If the death of one could save millions, it is complicated.
I would say, that indeed “doing nothing is worse”.

But only if we wouldn’t lose ourselves in a self-defined justice.
Then we wouldn’t be better than the ones before us. Killing in any case, be it yourself or others, should always be the very last option and better none at all. But sometimes, it might not work in another way, sometimes it just happens. But never for fun, never for rage, never because you think it is the right thing. And then, who am I? Defining things or ask people about agreeing me… Who am I to say these things? I am nothing but a guy who had too much time to think. I should really not be here because I probably can’t solve shit and can’t help. Am I just another drone which fell out of the line until it either destroys itself or others do?

Am I just meant to be this way, did I want to be this way, before I entered this world? If I would have entered this world with the knowledge of what I would just discover (again), then I would have known that I would survive, right? Or did I know, that I would die anyways, but I did it because this was the purpose?

You see, it is highly critical to say, that your death is meant to be. Because this could cause a lot of trouble and misunderstandings. As I said, it is not okay do end any life at all. But what if it is the only way? You see, I am not justifying or even honoring or glorifying suicide. I am trying to do the opposite, while I still struggle with it. So, for me the is no meaning in ending a life, at least nothing good. And I also don’t want any of this. Also no one should end their or another life. It is just not right. But how should I know, right? Okay… it is just, that I can’t see while I can see. I know while I don’t and this can only end up in a very strange and dangerous place. No, I can’t write what I thought because it goes against what I believe and then what do I believe? I believe that all lost souls are meant to be united, all lost souls are meant to be the true leaders, all lost souls are nearer to what Jesus was like than anyone else. And no, we aren’t Jesus, we have our flaws.

But together we might be like him. But then, maybe he had flaws as well, he just was strong enough on his own, because he wasn’t alone. Who knows… It isn’t about religion. It is about good and evil after all and in our heart and souls we know, what is right and what is wrong. We feel it or felt it. And I don’t mean that all feelings are always right, but the gut feeling, if we don’t think too much, but let it think for and with us. Not as mindless slaves, but actually using the brain like never before because we wouldn’t have limits, only the limits we created or got for ourselves. But they are there to be broken and there to be reset.

__End of transmission__


I just found out that Sharon Van Etten actually played in The OA.
I knew I had seen her before. Man… how everything comes together.
Each day a new miracle and new reveal and new surprise and still, I feel depressed most of the time. How can this be, how is this possible?
How broken is my mind or is it just sane all the time?

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