Day 40 (afternoon)

Today I had two more incidents in which the music stopped. The first time this morning, again 2 minutes 19 seconds. The third time in a row. And then some hours ago again, but this time 0:37. But four times this time equals 2:28 and maybe it was 0:37 + 0.25s because then I would get 2:29. The second number I noticed before the three times 2:19. Is this just very unrandom randomness?

Well, I have to go to the bank now, to get my papers because otherwise they would have to send several papers and I also probably would have to send some back. Then why even write it on the website if it is not possible in an easy way. Then I probably wouldn’t have asked for it. I just knew it wasn’t this easy… Why did I even think it would be? Why? Everything was the way I thought it would be… So why even trying, when I know it would be bad? At least I knew that good things would be good, right? For example the forest, I just knew it would be good for me and it really was all the time.
Sadly I just rediscovered it, sadly it might not be enough anymore.

But true love is pain and relief at the same time. Pain and the peace which overcomes the pain. So love hurts, but it not only hurts. It hurts and heals. It cries and laughs. Love is every feeling together, like white light is colorful, but if we only see the dark colors, we won’t see that all the colors together are white and bright, even in darkness.

If I would stop caring, I would just not care about anyone. Which would leave me as a sociopathic maniac. Therefor I have to care and with it I have to suffer because I have to feel and my feelings right now are between, joy, love and deep depression, mostly the last one. The forest has love and joy and peace for me. But I yet couldn’t get it over here.

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